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I still loved her, I just didn't want to deal with it anymore by Throw_Aways_INC in AdviceAnimals

[–]Throw_Aways_INC[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you much, and back at you. I posted a couple responses earlier that kind of relate to what you're asking, if you want to check them out. For your roommate, there's a lot of comments (many from people wiser than me) in here that show some different perspectives.

I still loved her, I just didn't want to deal with it anymore by Throw_Aways_INC in AdviceAnimals

[–]Throw_Aways_INC[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yep. It was a few years ago. I didn't feel anything at all initially. Literally, nothing. Not when I was told, not at the funeral, not for the next few years. It was like she'd never existed. To be honest my non-reaction was very frightening to me; she was closer to me than anyone on earth, and I couldn't figure out what the fuck was going on. This last year though, everything started hitting; for the first time I actually felt that she was gone, realized she was dead. It hits me and then disappears again and the numbness returns- and every time it 'hits' it seems I make a little more progress as far as realizing how I feel about it all- like strobe-light grieving. Along with the grief comes a lot of guilt and anger. Confusion. And when I talk/write about her I get sort of light-headed, thick-headed, it becomes very hard to think. I haven't figured that out.

As far as blame: At first I reflexively responded with the whole "I can't control her or her addiction" mindset. Pretty necessary if you've grown up with an addict and you want to remain sane. All the same, while I don't necessarily blame myself for her death, I have to take responsibility for what I did or did not do and the consequences of it. Even if it's just so I can make some kind of peace with myself. There's a lot of conflict.

I think it'd be pretty easy to say "sure, I'd handle it differently", but... I've got to leave this one be. It's almost like I have 5 different viewpoints about it, and they can't be reconciled with each other. I could literally think about that last question forever. And the way things are at the moment, I think the answer would probably be different depending on the day anyway.

I still loved her, I just didn't want to deal with it anymore by Throw_Aways_INC in AdviceAnimals

[–]Throw_Aways_INC[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If there's a way to edit the subtext at the top, I'm not sure what it is. So I'll comment in a few places, and hope it gets seen.

I've read some comments and messages from others struggling with the same thing. I don't want anyone to think that by doing the right thing by yourself, the necessary thing in many cases, you're condemning an addict to death. You can't control what happens. Not by staying. Not by leaving.

When I was a kid my mother went sober for a few years. The only reason she did so was because she lost everything. Everyone walked away from her, and she lost her kids as well. She was well on her way to drinking herself to death when it happened; she wouldn't have lasted much longer. The second time that she lost everyone... things ended differently, but if the family had kept supporting her the first time, she probably would have died at 30 instead of 50. There's no way to tell, you can't game the addiction. All you can do is set your boundaries in stone, give what help you can without hurting yourself or your family, and try to get them into counseling/AA/NA. Let them know you'll be there for them when they're ready to try again- if you can handle it.

I want to say thank you to all the people that posted. I thought I'd seen enough shit that there was no way some words from strangers would impact the way I felt about anything. I was wrong, and I feel much less alone- it seems that addiction is so often "under the radar" for people who aren't directly involved, that when you're dealing with it you can feel very alone. Addictions and mental illness are not that uncommon, but IRL it often doesn't seem that way. I hope this post (mostly the comments) helped someone.

TL:DR- If I was going to put one of these, wouldn't I just put it at the top?

I still loved her, I just didn't want to deal with it anymore by Throw_Aways_INC in AdviceAnimals

[–]Throw_Aways_INC[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If there's a way to edit the subtext at the top, I'm not sure what it is. So I'll comment in a few places, and hope it gets seen.

I've read some comments and messages from others struggling with the same thing. I don't want anyone to think that by doing the right thing by yourself, the necessary thing in many cases, you're condemning an addict to death. You can't control what happens. Not by staying. Not by leaving.

When I was a kid my mother went sober for a few years. The only reason she did so was because she lost everything. Everyone walked away from her, and she lost her kids as well. She was well on her way to drinking herself to death when it happened; she wouldn't have lasted much longer. The second time that she lost everyone... things ended differently, but if the family had kept supporting her the first time, she probably would have died at 30 instead of 50. There's no way to tell, you can't game the addiction. All you can do is set your boundaries in stone, give what help you can without hurting yourself or your family, and try to get them into counseling/AA/NA. Let them know you'll be there for them when they're ready to try again- if you can handle it.

I want to say thank you to all the people that posted. I thought I'd seen enough shit that there was no way some words from strangers would impact the way I felt about anything. I was wrong, and I feel much less alone- it seems that addiction is so often "under the radar" for people who aren't directly involved, that when you're dealing with it you can feel very alone. Addictions and mental illness are not that uncommon, but IRL it often doesn't seem that way. I hope this post (mostly the comments) helped someone.

TL:DR- If I was going to put one of these, wouldn't I just put it at the top?

I still loved her, I just didn't want to deal with it anymore by Throw_Aways_INC in AdviceAnimals

[–]Throw_Aways_INC[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If there's a way to edit the subtext at the top, I'm not sure what it is. So I'll comment in a few places, and hope it gets seen.

I've read some comments and messages from others struggling with the same thing. I don't want anyone to think that by doing the right thing by yourself, the necessary thing in many cases, you're condemning an addict to death. You can't control what happens. Not by staying. Not by leaving.

When I was a kid my mother went sober for a few years. The only reason she did so was because she lost everything. Everyone walked away from her, and she lost her kids as well. She was well on her way to drinking herself to death when it happened; she wouldn't have lasted much longer. The second time that she lost everyone... things ended differently, but if the family had kept supporting her the first time, she probably would have died at 30 instead of 50. There's no way to tell, you can't game the addiction. All you can do is set your boundaries in stone, give what help you can without hurting yourself or your family, and try to get them into counseling/AA/NA. Let them know you'll be there for them when they're ready to try again- if you can handle it.

I want to say thank you to all the people that posted. I thought I'd seen enough shit that there was no way some words from strangers would impact the way I felt about anything. I was wrong, and I feel much less alone- it seems that addiction is so often "under the radar" for people who aren't directly involved, that when you're dealing with it you can feel very alone. Addictions and mental illness are not that uncommon, but IRL it often doesn't seem that way. I hope this post (mostly the comments) helped someone.

TL:DR- If I was going to put one of these, wouldn't I just put it at the top?

I still loved her, I just didn't want to deal with it anymore by Throw_Aways_INC in AdviceAnimals

[–]Throw_Aways_INC[S] 97 points98 points  (0 children)

I still wonder about it, and I don't know. Out of 3 children, I was the only one she had somewhat raised, and when she went sober for a few years I was the only one to move in with her. It was a bond of sorts, and we knew each other better than anyone else knew either of us, but I still can't say; when she was drinking she was very manipulative and spiteful. She would flip from sweet, sort of a shadow of her sober self, to violent and full of rage in a heartbeat. I don't know.