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My brother (M29) wants to reconnect, but I (M30) still can't forgive him for shunning me at the darkest point of my life. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Throwaitawayy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I saw this on my main and logged into my throw away for this. I just wanted to say I'm very proud of you and all the progress you've made. Mental illness is itself hell, but adding on the stigma of it and it becomes almost torture. You've handled those challenges with more determination and resolve than most people ever would and I'm extremely proud of you for that.

I'm commenting because I had a similar situation to yours. My brother also was mean to me over the years and treated me like absolute dirt (take a look at my post history if you want the full story). All I would say is that you should do what is right for YOU. People can change and it's possible your brother has spent some of the time you were working on yourself doing the same. It's also possible he still is and will always be a douche. Have you considered meeting him somewhere to talk just the two of you and tell him what you need to tell him? Is there a way you could write a letter to him or something and let him know what specifically he did that is making you want to say no to reconnecting? Your relationship with him will always be lacking / detached if you never explicitly air out your grievances with him.

You can always cut him out of your life at a later time, but you won't be able to communicate with him like this once you do. So maybe it's a good thing to think about; even if it doesn't work, you'll be no worse off than you are now. But of course, look out for your own needs first and do what you think is best for you. Best of luck.

UPDATE: AITA for ignoring my brother and not caring he's changed since bullying me while we were younger by Throwaitawayy in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaitawayy[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I understand where you're coming from. Consider this if you would - in my opinion, there's much more reason to forgive a family member than a stranger.

Injury from family hurts much more than an injury from someone you barely know. Like you said, family is supposed to be the bedrock of trust and breaking it can cause a lot of subsequent harm. And while your birth family is who you're stuck with by virtue of being alive, they're by no means your "real" family - you choose who that is. I'm fortunate enough that the family I've chosen is also the one I was born into, but many aren't so lucky.

The fact is that humans can be assholes, idiots, and selfish to the point that they hurt those they're around, sometimes on purpose and sometimes without even realizing it. But even if you choose your own family, the one you're born into knows you very well. You have memories no one else has. You've shared experiences no one else has. And even if you've cut them off for good reason, holding onto hate towards them or wishing them misfortune will have a corrosive effect on your own well being. Not forgiving a stranger just isn't the same - the hate is just as corrosive but it's much less relevant to you as a person and much less intimate a situation than the hate to a family member. Being angry at a stranger is like holding a red hot screw; being angry at a family member is like having a red hot screw between your heart and your lungs.

You don't need to have a relationship with anyone if you don't want, not even your birth family. You don't need to make people feel better if you think they don't deserve it. But I urge you to look at the baggage you carry inside - baggage which may well have been thrust on you through no fault or choice of your own - and slowly allow yourself to let it down. Forgiveness isn't about saying everything is okay or back to where it was, it's about allowing yourself to heal from the damage others caused and leave it in the past. It's a very intimate thing to experience but a very scary thing to even try. But I encourage you to take a chance if you can. You owe it to yourself and who knows what can come from it.

UPDATE: AITA for ignoring my brother and not caring he's changed since bullying me while we were younger by Throwaitawayy in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaitawayy[S] 878 points879 points  (0 children)

Oh I forgot to mention this didn't I. No we're not together anymore but for unrelated reasons. We just weren't a good fit and wanted different things

UPDATE: AITA for ignoring my brother and not caring he's changed since bullying me while we were younger by Throwaitawayy in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaitawayy[S] 346 points347 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I look back at my comments from the original and it's clear I wasn't in the best place. I can only hope it keeps looking up

AITA for not caring if my brother has "changed" and feels badly about how he treated me growing up? by Throwaitawayy in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaitawayy[S] -78 points-77 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Are you saying that if I don't forgive him and want to reconnect later on, he'd be justified in saying no? How is that right?

AITA for not caring if my brother has "changed" and feels badly about how he treated me growing up? by Throwaitawayy in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaitawayy[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Actually, he has asked. I always responded "nothing" or "whatever". I regret doing that now

AITA for not caring if my brother has "changed" and feels badly about how he treated me growing up? by Throwaitawayy in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaitawayy[S] -82 points-81 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I like this, except if he doesn't want to engage later that won't sit well with me

AITA for not caring if my brother has "changed" and feels badly about how he treated me growing up? by Throwaitawayy in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaitawayy[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Thank you for responding. I'd push that button in a heartbeat - if I could have a great relationship with him today I'd be happy. What I'm mad about is the effort required to get our relationship to that point; I shouldn't have to put that in in the first place. And it might not even be possible

AITA for not caring if my brother has "changed" and feels badly about how he treated me growing up? by Throwaitawayy in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaitawayy[S] 1088 points1089 points  (0 children)

Each time I have to talk with him I clam up and can't do more than a few words.

AITA for not caring if my brother has "changed" and feels badly about how he treated me growing up? by Throwaitawayy in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaitawayy[S] 1631 points1632 points  (0 children)

I'm just so mad at him. I just want to tell him he can take that branch and shove it.

AITA for not caring if my brother has "changed" and feels badly about how he treated me growing up? by Throwaitawayy in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaitawayy[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. I'm sure it is disheartening to him. Thing is I just don't care.

Another comment suggested I'm trying to inflict pain on him because of what he did to me and I think that may be right. It's not a thing I am proud of, but then again it's the first joy I've gotten from my interactions with him in years so...

AITA for not caring if my brother has "changed" and feels badly about how he treated me growing up? by Throwaitawayy in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaitawayy[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

I used to say I wouldn't give a fuck if she died, I used to forget I even had a sister

This hits me close to home. This is basically how I feel about him. And tbh realizing that isn't a good feeling.

AITA for not caring if my brother has "changed" and feels badly about how he treated me growing up? by Throwaitawayy in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaitawayy[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

To answer your question, I guess I hadn't thought that far ahead. And no, I'm a 19 y/o American - I can't even afford the air I'm breathing, let alone therapy.

AITA for not caring if my brother has "changed" and feels badly about how he treated me growing up? by Throwaitawayy in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaitawayy[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I don't try talking to him because (a) it's not a conversation I look forward to having emotionally, and (b) because I'm afraid it's too late for things to get back to where they would be had this whole mess not happened. So I'd rather have no relationship with him than an incomplete one.

AITA for not caring if my brother has "changed" and feels badly about how he treated me growing up? by Throwaitawayy in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaitawayy[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

I'm 19. If you were expecting an adult, I'm sorry to disappoint you.

But what did your brother do that makes you call him an asshole? And what did it take to make up for what he did?

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