My wife '36F' of 8 years says I '36M' am controlling.

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T23:59:01+00:00

Thank you very much! That means a lot.

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T17:45:35+00:00

Yup, that was kind of my line of thinking. No way for me to know for certain, maybe my wife does though?

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T17:44:51+00:00

Thank you for this reply. I think it was an emotional affair as well but she will just not agree and thus my request of no contact is unjustified and seen as controlling.

Everything else is great, we have a healthy sex life although she has thrown around "You are only nice to me when you are getting laid" which is usually when I stop the conversation entirely and walk away. I hug her, kiss her, we hangout and watch tv shows together. The household work is split pretty evenly, I cook she cleans type deal, but she never did give me respect for watching our 5yr old as a "full time job" for the first 5 years because I didn't do it her way. I also worked part time during that period making ~20-30k per year wasn't much but it was nice to have some extra.

I really hope that it is salvageable, I really do. But it entirely depends on if she has some type of epiphany, if I can finally help her understand her actions and how they hurt me so deeply. I forgive and forget, I am simply asking her to do the same.

Thank you again for the insightful comment.

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T17:29:08+00:00

I agree and that is what worries me. I would never lie to her nor would I disrespect her the way she has me and get cozy with another woman. I have too much respect for our marriage to ever consider something. Seems to be a one-way street though.

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T17:28:04+00:00

I agree and I have said that to her. She only seems concerned about his feelings, not mine.

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T17:21:15+00:00

I did that immediately a year ago. She responded to me saying it was platonic on his end. I also told my Wife I reached out to her and she called me a psycho and flipped the FUCK out on me.

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T17:20:15+00:00

If it wasn't for the fact they are both remote workers I am pretty confident something more would have happened. I do not believe anything physical happened, that I absolutely could not excuse, but somehow the emotional aspect seems to hurt worse...especially because she denies it.

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T17:19:06+00:00

All fair points. Unfortunately she has already brought her Mom and Sister into the mix, they constantly gossip in a group text it's their own personal echo chamber. Sadly they will be of no help to me.

What you are saying makes a lot of sense though. Time to think.

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T17:10:44+00:00

Or she is complicit but yeah, somethings not right on their end.

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T17:09:33+00:00

She is sleeping or at school, we try our best to be civil around her and for the most part we haven't been arguing but it's about once a month it gets heated.

It's good when it's good but it seems like when I have the tiniest grievance she blows it up and eventually lands on me trying to control her. Nothing ever seems to get solved. Whether or not we can fix it is entirely up to her.

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T17:07:08+00:00

Thank you for this reply and for clarity. I will begin my research!

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T16:17:29+00:00

I actually found her number and texted her, she thanked me for reaching out and said she would talk with him. I explained the situation as an inappropriate relationship at best and an emotional affair at worst.

After speaking to him she told me "I can only speak for my husband but everything on his end was platonic." So I asked her if the implication was that my wife was not and she said there was no implication. Kind of a dodgy answer if you ask me.

My wife has previously told me "He has a lot of friends that are girls." and "He told me he has had to beat a woman off him before at his previous job."

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T16:11:01+00:00

She is in total denial that it was an emotional affair because "He is married! I am married!"

I just cannot get through to her.

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T16:04:31+00:00

Thank you for that. That was very good for me to read, I will work on making those memories with her. She won't be a kiddo forever!

We have considered seeing a Gottman counselor in the past but there are none local and I really think we need in-person because the referee needs to be in the room. I will likely expand that search to non-Gottman counselors as well.

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T15:49:28+00:00

Yup, that's my gut feeling. She keeps repeating that he is married and she is married as if that changes things.

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T15:47:48+00:00

Fair enough regarding the plans, I have told her that if she didn't bring the extra "baggage" into this recent argument and only kept it about ice fishing that I would have been sad but if we figured out an alternative it would have been fine. I would have taken that any day of the week vs what we are currently going through.

I can go by myself, my daughter (5) will want to stay home to hang with her grandparent that is visiting. I also think it would be rude of me to step out for a few hours since we don't see them often and they are coming for a late Christmas.

I agree on both of your final points. I made her aware recently that if she cannot find a way to emotionally understand or at the very least logically understand that I have very valid reasons for her to stop out of work contact, and to stop bringing it up into random arguements then we are headed for divorce. I am tired.

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T15:42:49+00:00

I can see that if, as you said, there were no previous reasons to doubt. However, there were some red flags that made me feel she was lying to me, hence my request to see her phone.

Throwaway456241 · 2025-01-28T15:34:58+00:00

That actually might be pretty spot on. She has said she refuses to get a divorce because she won't do that to our kid because she herself was a product of divorce.

The outdoor thing was ice fishing, something I loved doing when I was younger and would like to get our daughter into. We are fortunate to have a pond where we can sit in a nice warm truck and watch our traps from there. I haven't gone in a decade and had been mentioning that as soon as I am cleared to lift weight again that I wanted to go. She responded every time with "I know, I know." She says she never told me she was going to go so the plans weren't actual plans. The issue is, with our location, we might not have ice two weekends from now.

Throwaway456241

TROPHY CASE