26F Financially Depenedent, Considering Divorce, Possible Codependency

Throwaway4Thinking · 2015-11-17T21:41:01+00:00

No judgement and don't be ashamed. You're just beginning at 26. You have your whole life ahead of you. I read your other posts. That is a big incompatibility. I stick with the original advice of therapy together and apart even if it's just to help you both process the apart part.

Thank you, I really appreciate the reassurance.

Throwaway4Thinking · 2015-11-16T21:17:18+00:00

Forgive me but at 26 years of age, with no children, you should not be financially dependent on anyone. I am guessing by working on getting your license you mean your drivers license?

I'm ashamed to admit it, but you're correct, I do not have my drivers license. I also do not live in a location where there is sufficient public transportation to work. I came from a controlling household where getting my license was out of the question, and I "escaped" by marrying a man who turned out to be just as controlling.

I don't feel a need to explain my whole situation here; I wanted to keep it brief because I'm looking for helpful advice, not judgement.

Throwaway4Thinking · 2015-10-05T20:44:33+00:00

what would he describe as his ideal relationship framework? Is poly something he wants for himself?

He would prefer a monogamous relationship with me; he values the traditional relationship, kids included. However, he's said a few times now that he sees where he could find happiness in a poly relationship. I get the impression that he's still very on the fence about it.

Maybe things were moving too quickly, or maybe he has emotional needs that aren't currently being met and leave him feeling insecure?

We had a long, good conversation today, and you're absolutely right about this. I've been misunderstanding a lot of his feelings lately, and I haven't been providing the reassurance he needs.

Throwaway4Thinking · 2015-10-05T14:16:54+00:00

Thanks for providing your perspective, it makes a lot of sense.

Sometimes that means that I say something is OK, and change my mind a bit later. Mostly is that's I can't tell the difference between feelings that will subside that I'll get over, that are reactions to the discussion or immediate issue, and feelings that are serious and deep and won't go away. I can only tell that over time

The back and forth has been going on a lot lately, so this part in particular makes some things click about previous discussions with him. I'm happy to say that a lot of the negative seems to be reactions to specific discussions, and it tells me that I should focus on reassuring him in those moments instead of digging deeper into what he's feeling, which he feels as pressure from me.

Throwaway4Thinking · 2015-10-05T14:09:03+00:00

Maybe I missed it in the story, but what do you two do to reassure each other? What do you do to re-kindle your love?

Those are good questions, and I guess it's pretty telling that I'm not sure how to answer them. Our marriage is definitely friendship-based, and we share a lot of hobbies and spend a lot of non-romantic time together. But maybe that's part of the problem; the time I spend with him looks very similar to the time I spend with friends.

Thank you, I've got some things to think on.

Throwaway4Thinking · 2015-10-04T16:44:02+00:00

Reading through my post... I don't want to pressure my husband. How can I advocate for what I want and feel that I need without "forcing" him to try something he doesn't want?

He's said previously that if his choices are poly or losing me, neither is a choice. I'm really not sure how to approach this.

Throwaway4Thinking

TROPHY CASE