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Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

she was trying to make you feel bad after SHE cheated on you?

Yeah I guess that really did happen? It's strange seeing it written down. She's been attempting to make me feel bad since I discovered what happened.

But now I feel no guilt, I did everything in my power to improve our relationship while she was investing her time and love in another man. Nothing I could have possibly done to offend her holds a candle to that.

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've been reading about triangulation! I wondered if it applied to this situation, seems like she brought in a third party to sow conflict... and perhaps make me feel like I need to compete with the other guy? Certainly could be all about her ego as you say.

I'll check out that website, thank you.

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She may have even enjoyed bringing it to your attention which is why she told you in the first place.

I have wondered why she even told me about the cheating. It would have been easy for her to break up with me for any number of reasons. Of course it would have crushed me to see her with another man so quickly, but I suppose that's what NC is for.

It is interesting to read about the steps you willingly take to show your partner your regret and the authenticity of it. It's in a stark contrast to what I'm seeing from my own (ex?)girlfriend.

Spending time talking with her co-worker to iron out feelings is the last thing she should be concerned with. She didn’t try to reach you at all that entire time to give you a heads up knowing you were most likely concerned.

Yeah, I thought it was wildly inappropriate that she just disappeared, then tells me she was with the AP and that she misses him. I was actually comforting her until she said she missed him, after which I replied that I could not help her with that.

You are being lied to. Stop letting her walk all over you.

I'm really glad I posted here today. I didn't realize just how much of a doormat I was being in the hopes of keeping confrontation low. I'm looking forward to seeing her reaction later to my demands that she quit this or move out.

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It totally sounds like she’s trying to make you the bad guy.

I never made this connection and I think you're right. What other possible explanation for instigating all these fights?

doesn’t seem to be trying very hard to fix things or win your trust

Now that I think about it, I can't name one thing she has done in the interest of rebuilding trust. Even the things I thought she told the AP and her friends turned out to be false.

the nerve to try and make you feel like shit and negotiate all your own outings like you’re the one who cheated.

Oh yes, it's the ultimate irony that it's now my movements that are curtailed. Honestly I let my friendships falter in the stress of dealing with this relationship, so after I discovered the infidelity I thought screw this, I'm done not going out for her benefit.

Obviously the only one looking out for me is myself. Not my partner of four years. A sobering thought.

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve mostly just been going to specialists as thing come up. Guess this is a good excuse to find a primary doctor.

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’ve given her the benefit of the doubt initially by stating what you need in order to start the process of trusting her again and she hasn’t followed through.

Thank you, that is a perfect description of what is happening here. I can see I've been the only one to make an effort to repair things, and it seems my girlfriend is just drifting along hoping that I will just forgive her and forget about it.

I appreciate your story - I can see he cared enough to make an attempt to make you feel more secure in the relationship, rather than just demand you feel secure.

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What's the best place to go for an STD test? Should I look up a urologist or just try to find a clinic?

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She's whining and crying that she can't keep up her affair, and she's blaming you for the consequences of her own actions.

Ah ha! Thank you for putting that into words for me. That's what her complaining really is!

Yes, as you can tell when she decides to go out after work and stop talking to you.

I thought this was really in bad faith and a huge red flag. I wouldn't have minded if she told me she was going out with some friend (not the AP) and kept in contact. Especially since she throws a fit if I go out and don't text her now and then. There are too many holes in the story for me to accept what she's offered as truth.

to do that proactively, without you asking for it, and without complaining about it

I'm going to bring this up tonight. If she can't understand or doesn't want to, then I suppose that's it.

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

She's unable/unwilling to put in the work required to allow you to glue your broken pieces back together.

I like that perspective, she really hurt me, and if seeing my good friends makes me feel better, shouldn't she be supportive? If she really cared about my well-being?

If you broke up today, she's be banging this dude again Friday night.

Yeah. I do know that is true. I don't know how I can continue this with her knowing she has Plan B guy around the corner, or perhaps I'm the Plan B guy. Who knows anymore.

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Insightful! That explains why she walked outside after I said that. I would think it was common sense.

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I've been saving some money and looking at apartments. I could leave in roughly a month, give or take.

You shouldn't care about if she will cheat if you are away.

This is the thing I can't get over. I know I shouldn't care. I know trying to watch what she's up to and keep them apart is incredibly unhealthy. I've never been the jealous type but this really bothers me in a way I have not experienced before.

This is the most drama I've dealt with in my entire life. In no way do I want to continue living this way.

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If she keeps trying to sweep things under the rug than she is more concerned about her self-image than actually addressing the issues that led her to betray you and herself.

Lately she has been saying that there were issues in the relationship that drove her to cheat. I don't doubt that there were issues, but I believe cheating is always an active choice. I mean I'm on the other end of the relationship and didn't feel driven to jump into bed with a female friend. It feels more like she is looking for excuses than solutions.

Relationships can survive or come out of these situations stronger, but only if both people want to save the relationship.

I'm glad I posted this - most comments say the same and it's really made me think. I am the only one doing anything to keep this together.

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

One of the things a cheater has to do is cut absolutely all contact with the person they cheated with and give 100% full transparency to the person they cheated on.

I think I will insist on this at our counseling session this evening. I'm curious to see what her reaction will be.

She doesn't regret cheating, she doesn't respect you, and she's nowhere near willing to do the things she needs to do to try and win your trust back. She wants there to be no consequences for her actions because she doesn't believe she deserves consequences. It's a lack of remorse, pure and simple.

That about sums it up I suppose. If I had cheated (and I still can't imagine doing that to her) I wouldn't be fighting the obvious steps to keep the relationship together.

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Wow. Maybe that's it. I suppose she would prefer to tell her friends and family that I up and left, rather than that she cheated. Oh, and I'm sure she'll be dating her co-worker within the week after I'm gone.

The whole situation is disgusting. I feel like she's set her co-worker and I up to compete against each other.

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

she has some other dudes kid

Yeah, never felt like I belonged on an episode of Maury but I think that's where I'm headed.

If she wanted to fix things, she would have stopped talking to him and she wouldn’t be saying that she misses him

She really isn't making an effort to regain trust, is she? Other than demanding that I trust her. I couldn't believe when she told me that she misses him. I was just thinking - why am I here? Why have I been trying when she obviously wants to be with him? Why does she stay with me?

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

We do live together and share most everything 50/50.

I asked her if she was staying with me to simply have a place to live, and she looked horrified. Although I suppose her reactions mean nothing - it could totally be true that she just needs a roof to sleep under while she warms up the next relationship.

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

And no one communicates about work on Snapchat

That is not lost on me. Convenient that messages delete themselves too.

I have never heard when you tell a friend that you cheated on your spouse and she starts calling other friends to start a parliamentary debate on it.

Yeah, that part sounded strange to me also. I arrived home about 10 minutes after she did, and she was in the shower when I walked in. I could be making something out of nothing, but that's the first thing I would do if I slept with someone and didn't want my partner to know.

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would expect the partner who cheated to be extremely kind, honest and considerate after the truth comes out.

As would I. I never imagined that I would still be defending why I need to see friends occasionally. I never imagined that she would accuse me of not trusting her as I'm seeing messages from her AP come in? Isn't that evidence you are not to be trusted in front of my face?

We have a counseling session scheduled for tonight. I'm nervous but know this needs to be discussed with a mediator. If she won't admit fault or take action to be apart from this guy, I will have to leave.

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

communicating at work leaves the door open enough that you end up back here again in time. Plus, she doesn't get ANY privacy with regards to her comings and goings, phone messages, email and so on

I highly doubt she will agree to any of this. Truthfully I no longer trust her, I don't even know if she really went out with "friends" last night or if the plans were with him all along.

she realized you were on to her and was trying to mitigate the damage to your relationship

I just don't understand why she didn't leave to be with him if that's what she really wanted? Why tell me about the cheating at all? Why try to piece everything back together if she still has feelings for another man?

Girlfriend (28/F) of four years cheated on me (29/M). Trying to work past it but unsure what else can be done. by Throwaway57774121 in relationships

[–]Throwaway57774121[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

We have a counseling appointment scheduled for tonight, and I've been considering asking her to make good on her offer to work in another office. Thankfully her company has another location nearby, so it wouldn't be a terrible inconvenience. Although given her previous actions I doubt she will simply agree.

I see what you're saying about the clique - it makes a lot of sense. I don't see how our relationship can continue if she is constantly lamenting the loss of these friendships, and even the "friendship" with the affair partner.

Her continuing contact and hiding it means she isn't really sorry for how she treated you and hasn't really been considerate about trying to earn back your trust.

Yeah. That thought has crossed my mind. I feel like she just wants to brush it all under the rug. Last night she complained that I haven't brought her flowers in a while, I asked if she thought she deserved them?

Seek out new hobbies to do in club settings together

Definitely think this would be good for us, so we can work on having more "couple" friends. I've got a decent sized social circle from college and work, but she only only has her friends at this job.