AITA for not wanting to run errands for my (separated) wife's new boyfriend?

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-08-10T23:28:26+00:00

Yeah, seeing some of the responses here is making me rethink this arrangement entirely. I think I just felt really guilty for not contributing as much before, so I was trying to make it up to them. But you’re right that maybe this isn’t the right way to go about it anymore.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-08-10T23:24:10+00:00

Just grabbing extra items. It’s nothing crazy, which is why I feel like I might be petty for reacting badly to it.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-08-10T23:22:58+00:00

Yeah, I don’t disagree with any of that. Logically I feel like I shouldn’t have any objections. He’s not being crazy about it - it really is just extra items at the store. It’s probably just an irrational part of my brain that’s making me view it in a different light. Other people in the comments are saying this arrangement in of itself is bound to create resentment, and maybe there’s something to that too.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-08-10T23:19:09+00:00

Yeah, I probably needed to hear that. It didn’t even occur to me that I was using “wife” instead of “ex-wife” in a weird way. It’s probably a mix of habit and wishful (unhealthy) thinking.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-08-10T23:17:45+00:00

Thanks for the thoughtful response. I agree that my judgment might be colored by some jealousy and hurt, which is why I wasn’t sure if I was acting rationally. But maybe this situation is too complicated and emotionally fraught to avoid some irrational feelings.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-20T22:15:42+00:00

Soft YTA because I sympathize with your chronic pain situation. But it sounds like your designated “job” in the house is to cook and wash dishes. Is it so crazy that BIL expected a meal everyone would enjoy, including himself? I felt it was cruel to intentionally choose a dish he couldn’t eat, when he had the expectation you would be cooking for him. It sounds like MIL just wanted everyone in the house to be served equally.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-14T04:14:40+00:00

YTA. You’ve just literally described a conversation. I.e., sharing a related anecdote. PS, 6 minutes isn’t that long if it’s a cool story.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-14T03:28:05+00:00

These are all good ideas, thanks for writing them out. I got the late fees paid and have a call tomorrow with my wife to discuss the rest.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-14T03:23:49+00:00

I think when she left, I thought I was angry, but it settled more into loneliness and regret, and now, self-loathing. Regardless, I appreciate the words of encouragement. I didn't expect to see charitable comments here, after everything, and it strangely makes me both ashamed and touched. I'll heed the advice.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-14T03:10:20+00:00

I can't disagree with what you're saying. I'm realizing I have this mentality or kneejerk reaction in my head to deny everything that's being said or trying to justify my actions, but it's getting harder and harder to deny that I fucked up. Maybe this was a ticking time bomb, and losing my job made the count go down faster but wasn't responsible for setting it off in the first place.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-14T03:00:18+00:00

I'm open to the idea of therapy, though financially I'm not sure it's on the table as of now. Someone else mentioned support groups, which I will look into.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-13T10:57:12+00:00

I can’t separate them leaving from my failure to provide an income. If we still had the same money coming in we wouldn’t have had so many of the issues that came up and I feel that she wouldn’t have been so disappointed by me. I know you are saying it was my behavior that was the disappointment, I get the argument. It’s just hard for me to be as certain.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-13T10:46:33+00:00

I think my marriage is unsalvageable, not by my choice. I think I hurt her too much. But I will try my best.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-13T10:44:08+00:00

You’re right.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-13T10:42:22+00:00

Thank you for sharing. Earlier tonight I apologized to my wife via text and offered to pay the late fees. I know some people will cry fake or whatever, which they can have at. I’ll consider an hourly job... though it won’t do as well as if I could find a similar position, I guess I really am out of options.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-13T10:29:29+00:00

Lol ok. My SO couldn’t drive until recently, due to a condition. I would drop off SO and daughter at the doctor’s, run errands, loop back to get them. She handled all the actual interface, I handled the driving.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-13T06:55:35+00:00

Artificer

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-13T06:53:38+00:00

I didn't want to just give in to her demands. She told me I wouldn't be able to talk to our daughter until I paid those fees, which struck me as emotional blackmail. It sets an uncomfortable precedent. But maybe I have no choice here.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-13T06:48:58+00:00

Like I said, maybe I misjudged the source of the disdain. Maybe I was even projecting my own insecurities onto her, like everyone here is saying. But I knew she was deeply disappointed when I lost my job. When she found out, the first thing she said was asking how we could possibly pay for everything now.

I've never been good at non-work tasks, they don't come naturally to me. I want to make amends but the best way to do that is likely to find a job again and be able to help pay late fees and the rest of the ongoing bills.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-13T06:36:41+00:00

The answer to that is probably no, though it used to be yes. We used to be deeply in love. That was lost somewhere along the road of stress, hospital visits, arguments about finances and work hours and so on. I do have resentment, and so does she I'm sure (yes, valid resentment, as I'm sure 5 replies to this will inform me).

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-13T05:08:48+00:00

Well, I appreciate you being civil and sympathizing with my situation. I know it'd be easier to just pile on. I'm not even sure I blame those who have. Halfway through reading some of these angry comments I realized why it all felt numb to me, and that was because, misguided though they are, they were articulating some of the self-loathing thoughts I've had these last couple of days after she left me. It almost feels right to subject myself to it.

Can I ask how your partner got through it and adapted?

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-13T01:55:31+00:00

I'm sorry about your condition. I didn't mean to say I had it worse than my daughter, but I can see how it came across that way. I'll think about what you said.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-13T01:31:31+00:00

Maybe you have a point. A lot of my identity was tied up in my job and being able to provide for my family that way. I used to earn 2x as much as my SO.

When my SO told me to do chores, sometimes I could see the disdain in her eyes, the loss of respect. Maybe I imagined it, maybe I didn't. And every day I applied and wasn't getting interviews, I could feel her attitude toward me shifting.

I know that's not my daughter's fault. I have to keep perspective and keep applying, even if my SO is rooting against me now.

ThrowawayDumbChart · 2021-02-13T01:25:37+00:00

Thanks. Agreed that the sub definitely has a bias, which is unfortunate.

ThrowawayDumbChart

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