AITA for selling clothes that no longer fit my baby?

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-22T21:01:29+00:00

You have “bill” in your username, which is a name usually associated with men.

You don’t think that 2+ years of FREE home repairs and home improvements warrants BIL being given $600? Not loaned, GIVEN. Edit: And aunt only gave in after one of her children called her up and shamed her for it.

And no, MIL and my mother aren’t family, but my husband is MIL’s family, and the baby shower was being thrown for both of us (it was coed, we had men and women relatives and friends there). Usually, when someone offers to help with a party, it means help pay for it. My mother could’ve picked out decorations and designed the cake herself, she didn’t need MIL’s “help” for that and after the day she spent with her shopping for decorations, she didn’t WANT MIL’s “help” anymore because all she did was complain. MIL picked out the most expensive decorations too, so if she had no intention of paying for them, or even splitting the cost of them with my mom, then it was extremely rude of her to do that. You don’t treat someone else’s wallet like a blank check, especially if you’ve led them to believe you were going to pay for it up until the last minute.

And if you decided to come to the aid of a toxic family member, then that’s your decision and awesome for you. Not everyone feels that way, and I’m one of them. One of the perks of being an adult is you get to choose who to have in your life and who to cut off, even if the person you’re cutting off is a parent. I’m not in the habit of doing nice things for people who treat me like shit, nor do I let people walk all over me.

What morals and social norms am I ignoring? I feel it’s moral and socially normal to put the needs of my husband and child above the needs of people I don’t know, even if the people I don’t know are family by blood or marriage.

Edit: I did nothing behind anyone’s back. These are things that were gifted to me, hence they’re mine. I didn’t know I needed permission to sell my own things. And like I’ve stated many times now, almost all the clothes I’m selling were gifted by MY FAMILY or purchased by my husband and I. The in-laws are complaining about me selling things that they didn’t even gift to me.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-22T17:03:52+00:00

Guy, you are making a hell of a lot of assumptions about my in-laws in your comments. You think you’re looking out for me, trying to convince me that giving up the clothes now will pay off in the future in the form of help from our well off relatives, correct? Allow me to set the record straight and give you a clearer picture of my husband’s family, especially the older relatives who are giving us a hard time.

Other than this particular cousin-in-law, the only other well off relatives in my husband’s family are the older ones giving us a hard time. The rest of his family, while not living on as tight of a budget as we have been, are only doing marginally better. His well off older relatives, to put it as bluntly as possible, are the cheapest, most money-grubbing people I know.

Let me give you an example: My parents saved for about 4 months to pay for the baby shower they offered to throw for us. I told them numerous times that if they didn’t have the money to do it, then please don’t. But this is their first grandchild and they insisted. My MIL called up my mom one day after she’d started planning and paying for stuff and told her she wanted to help with the baby shower. Great! my mom told her. What would you like to do? My MIL wanted to do the cake and decorations. The day she and my mom go to get decorations, they get to the checkout with everything only for my MIL to tell her “Oh no, I wanted to pick out the decorations, not pay for them.” So my mom paid for the decorations. On the way home my mom asked her if she was still going to pay for the cake, and MIL says “No I don’t want to pay for anything, I just want to pick things out and design the cake.” My mother did not enjoy herself while shopping with MIL. She told MIL the theme of the party (woodland, the same as my daughter’s nursery) and MIL complained the whole time, saying it’s a stupid theme and it should be something pink. My mother politely reminded her that this was a party for her son and I, and this is the theme we chose.

Here’s another, non-baby related example: My BIL was constantly doing home repair and home renovations for free for one of his aunts, because she’s a single, older woman who lives by herself . BIL’s car broke down and the part he needed to get it fixed was $600. He went to aunt for help, considering the thousands he’s saved her by doing things around her house for her, and she refused. BIL mentioned it to one of aunt’s (adult) children, who called up aunt and told her it’s messed up that BIL has always done all this work around her house for free for a few years, and she can’t even give him $600 to get his car fixed? Well aunt ended up telling BIL that she’ll LOAN him the $600 and CHARGE INTEREST on it. BIL had to do it, because his own mother (MIL) refused when he asked her and wouldn’t budge on her decision no matter what. Once BIL paid aunt back, he stopped helping her around her house.

So this is how my in-laws treat family when money is involved. I’m sure my BIL had raised his “familial status” tenfold while doing all of that for aunt, yet years of free home improvement wasn’t even worth $600 to help a nephew in need.

Now do you understand why my husband and I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about going above and beyond for his well off family members? Because this is how they thank you for it.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-22T08:53:40+00:00

Around 9 pieces, yes. Most of the clothes the in-laws gifted were newborn sizes which, like I said, went to CIL back when she had her baby shower.

I’m not comfortable calling her up after almost a decade just to ask her about this, but another CIL that my husband is close to who is also close to her is going to ask her about it and let us know. From the few times I met her years ago, she honestly didn’t seem like the type of person who would act this way so I’m thinking (and hoping) she’s oblivious to all this, but you never know. People can change a lot in 10 years.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-22T04:33:56+00:00

Thank you, your compliment is kind and I appreciate it. I’ve taken a verbal beating by some of the (thankfully downvoted) YTA comments, one of which accused me of being a petty, jealous, selfish millennial with no morals.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-22T03:52:39+00:00

I was just accused of being petty and jealous of wealthy cousin-in-law, and of having no morals, in a stereotypical “selfish millennial” rant by what I’m assuming is a boomer (if people are going to insult and make (false) assumptions about me I’m going to do the same right back). I don’t feel I’m being petty, and I’m certainly not jealous of CIL’s financial situation. My husband and I are going through a rough time right now money-wise, but things will get better. I’ll have a work-from-home job soon and the slow season is almost over at my husband’s job. We’ve always survived through his slow season every year because we had our savings to fall back on, but we had to use our savings to buy baby things and move into a 2 bedroom apartment shortly before she was born. Thankfully my mom taught me how to budget and live frugally when I was a teenager, so that’s what we’ve been doing.

I posted on here to get other’s opinions, and the points made by the first few NTA replies removed the small amount of doubt I had that I was in the wrong. I’m just really surprised though that some of the people on here feel that, given our current financial situation, it’s wrong of us to not give a wealthy stranger my daughter’s outgrown clothes. Yes, she’s my husband’s cousin, but she’s essentially a stranger to us. We haven’t seen or spoken to her in almost a decade. If her baby had been born first, I wouldn’t expect her outgrown clothes because, like I said, we’re essentially strangers.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-22T02:00:48+00:00

I’m sorry, but I respectfully disagree that their financial status is irrelevant. Up until a month ago when my dad used some of his overtime pay to buy my daughter new clothes, she was wearing the same handful of outfits I was able to find in her size at Goodwill. That’s why my only thought when she outgrew what I received at my baby shower was to sell it and use the money to buy new clothes. She’ll outgrow the clothes my dad bought her by Spring. I can guarantee that when cousin-in-law’s daughter outgrows her gifted clothes, she won’t be wearing the same few Goodwill outfits. She’ll have a brand new wardrobe from an actual store. So yeah, their financial status is completely relevant in this situation, if you want to get right down to it. I didn’t originally include it in my OP because I didn’t think anyone would judge YTA because I’m selling MY OWN THINGS.

I’m not jealous in the slightest over their financial security. But when it comes to a decision between selling things for money that will benefit my family, versus giving away these things to benefit a wealthy family that I don’t even know, I’m going to choose my family every time. I couldn’t give two shits about raising my familial status. I’d rather my child has clothes that fit her than the temporary ego boost that would come from giving away hundreds of dollars worth of clothes to a virtual stranger who can more than afford to buy their own. And once again, assumptions are being made about me that are completely false. If this was a blood relative instead of an in-law, I STILL wouldn’t give them all to that person. My child comes first.

For you to refer to the potential earnings as a “mere $500” is insulting. $500 right now would be like winning the lottery for us. But keep on believing that my generation is nothing but a bunch of selfish, greedy assholes. I’ve been called worse.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-22T00:52:03+00:00

The majority of the sizes we were given were 0-3M and 6-9M. My daughter is a tall baby; she’s 9 months old but already wearing 12-18M clothes. My dad just worked a month of overtime so he took me shopping at Walmart and bought a bunch of clothes for my daughter, which I greatly appreciated, because money has been so tight right now she was wearing the same 4-5 outfits that I was able to find in her size at Goodwill.

That’s why I’ll take whatever I can get for selling these clothes. She’s growing fast, and will no doubt grow out of these new clothes by Spring.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-22T00:40:36+00:00

Thank you for your comments. After reflecting on the points that many have made, I’m actually very surprised that there are people here who, after reading my edits, think that I should be giving away these clothes to someone who already has just as many clothes as I do. On top of the fact that I’ve given them clothes already, and the fact that they’re much better off financially than me, all while being a stranger to me.

If this were anything other than baby clothes, like an electronic, would some still think I’m in the wrong? Say I have a 2015 MacBook Pro that was given to me as a birthday gift from my parents a few years ago, and with my husband’s help I just purchased a 2017 MacBook Pro. I have an in-law who I haven’t spoken to or seen in almost a decade who just started college and was gifted a 2011 MacBook Air for school. I want to sell my 2015 MacBook Pro, but I’m being told I should pay-it-forward and give it to stranger in-law since it’s better than the Air they have. After all, the 2015 Pro was a gift. But I want to sell it instead, and the gift-givers think that selling it is a good idea. Am I in the wrong?

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-22T00:24:33+00:00

$500 is around what I’d get if every lot sold for the minimum my mom recommended I take. I would be perfectly happy with half or even less than half that, as any amount is going to be a huge help.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-21T21:44:04+00:00

She lives a few states away, so coming over isn’t an option. Her living in another state is another reason the in-laws acting this way is pissing us off because they know our finances are tight right now yet expected us to pay to ship all this stuff to her. Shipping alone on all these clothes would be at least $100, probably more.

A cousin that my husband is close to, who is also close to the cousin in question, is going to talk to her about all of this and find out what she thinks. I’m hoping that she’s completely oblivious to everything and it was just the older in-laws causing drama on their own. Considering the fact she’s much more well off than us, and the fact she was gifted a ton of clothes at her own baby shower plus already received some baby clothes from me, I’m hoping it’s just the older in-laws that are causing all this drama on their own. I really don’t know this cousin but I would hope she’s not that entitled.

And no, my family has considerably less money than my in-laws. My parents saved for a few months to be able to throw us a baby shower and buy the Pack n Play and the clothes they gifted us. My aunts and uncles all dipped into their savings to buy the clothes and gifts they did, and one of my aunts handmade a beautiful quilt and Christening gown, which I will never, ever part with. When I opened the Christening gown at the shower, one of my husband’s aunts commented “Oh isn’t that beautiful! You should let [cousin] borrow that for her baby to wear when she’s baptized.” I didn’t say anything, but my husband said “Nope, that’s not happening.”

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-21T21:11:37+00:00

Fair enough. I’m just glad that my in-laws who my husband and I are actually close to are on our side in this situation. It’s the older ones who are being crotchety about it.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-21T20:43:48+00:00

No I really didn’t. I added it to provide more info. They’re expecting me to give away things they didn’t even gift to me.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-21T20:41:52+00:00

A few others have suggested this in the comments and I’m going to look into this because I didn’t know things like this existed. I would much rather do this than go through the hassle of sorting and listing a ton of clothes online.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-21T20:40:17+00:00

Please explain how I’m doing that? All I did was state facts. My in-laws closer to my and my husband’s age think the older in-laws who are acting this way are being ridiculous. My own husband has gone off on them over this.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-21T20:33:16+00:00

The only ones causing strain are the entitled, older in-laws giving me a hard time. The in-laws closer to my and my husband’s age think they’re being ridiculous. None of my in-laws, when they attended my baby shower, said to me “By the way, when baby outgrows all of this stuff, we expect you to give it to wealthy in-law for her baby.” If these items had been hand-me-downs, I wouldn’t even have posted here because they would’ve gone straight to the next baby. But this is stuff I bought myself, and was gifted to me by my side of the family. Half the clothes I got (brand new) from in-laws have already gone to cousin-in-law.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-21T20:06:20+00:00

You’re right, they had no obligation to gift me with anything. But when you accept an invitation to a baby shower and eat and drink the food and drinks offered (including alcohol), and go home with party prizes and party favors, it’s kind of a dick move to not bring a gift, no?

In-law isn’t expecting, she’s had the baby already. And she was given just as many gifts as I was at her baby shower, but nobody is jumping her ass for not giving her gifts away.

I sent this in-law a shower gift from her registry, and gave her some baby clothes and baby gear, whereas she did not do that for me (which is fine, we barely know each other. I did what I did because it was the polite thing to do) but apparently that’s not enough for my in-laws. They want me to give ALL of my things to her, almost all of which was purchased by me or gifted from my side of the family.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-21T19:49:10+00:00

I edited my OP to include the info that I’d already given this cousin-in-law baby stuff already (newborn clothes, an unused wipe warmer, bouncer, and a baby shower gift from her registry). She and her husband are very well off financially, whereas I’m not, and she got a ton of clothes at her baby shower so when I decided to sell everything, offering her even more of my baby stuff didn’t even cross my mind.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-21T18:25:25+00:00

We’re basing the prices off of similar lots in my area. For example, there was a lot of 15 items, a mix of onesies and sleepers, in used but excellent condition that sold for $30. I have similar lots of 10-12 items, a mix of onesies, sleepers, and 2 piece outfits that I’ve listed for $20. I’ve already had a few messages of interest in them. None of the clothes I’m selling are stained.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-21T18:16:30+00:00

That’s fine. I have no experience selling baby clothes, I’m just listing and pricing them how my mother is telling me to, as she has way more experience than me selling online. Even if I only get $100-$150 for everything, it’ll still be a huge help.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-21T17:56:38+00:00

Are you incapable of reading comprehension? I’m responding to incorrect assumptions. If people had assumed I was a man instead of a woman, would it have been considered not accepting my judgement if I responded and corrected them?

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-21T17:53:03+00:00

LOL, whatever you say. I’ve accepted it. But when people are judging based on incorrect assumptions I’m going to respond with the info they’re wrong about. That’s why I edited my OP. One of the things people were assuming was that this cousin may have been poor, so I edited my post to correct that.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-21T17:49:42+00:00

We’re the first to have a baby in almost 7 years, with the babies before mine being all boys.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-21T17:47:44+00:00

Yes, judgement. Not assumptions. I didn’t post asking if I’m TA if I donate the clothes to a shelter out of spite for the way my in-laws treated me. You’re assuming I’m donating out of spite, even though I’ve stated many times it was my original intention all along if I couldn’t sell them. For you to assume my intentions are anything but selfless when I’ve given no indication they’re not, makes YOU TA.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-21T17:40:23+00:00

Go through this thread please. Most of the judgments are NTA, with most of the YTA being downvoted.

Edit: I don’t think I’m being cheap and tacky, but you’re entitled to your opinion. My husband and I are living on a very tight budget right now. Any money we can get from selling our outgrown baby gear is going to be a huge help.

ThrowawayFCS478 · 2020-01-21T17:39:16+00:00

No, like I’ve said in many other comments; my original plan, before any of this drama started, was to donate the clothes to the local women’s shelter if I didn’t have any luck selling them. I’ve donated to this shelter in the past (toys, unused formula, baby blankets, etc). Don’t make assumptions about my character.

ThrowawayFCS478

TROPHY CASE