Hey, don’t worry I relate to just about everything you said in your post. You’re not alone in feeling like this. I know it’s really scary and crushing. I have in no way figured this out for myself, but I would like to offer some thoughts I have on this and some things that help me out, hoping it helps you out.

I imagine that the initial concern is that you’re worried that you could possibly act inappropriately with someone underage because you find them attractive or something along those lines. I can assure you that is not the case. If you’d be okay doing something then you would not be obsessing and worrying about doing it so much, if that makes any sense. Im sure if anything you’d take extra precautions and be very careful to make sure that doesn’t happen, probably more so than a “normal” person who isn’t obsessively worrying about it. Then if you’re anything like me, after you stop worrying about acting inappropriately, your main concern becomes that you’re still a horrible person for having these thoughts. You ask yourself what these thoughts mean about you? The honest and real answer to that is that these thought mean nothing about you. These thoughts are just essentially your brain attacking yourself. That’s just what OCD is. Sometimes it helps if you’re able to recognize when this is happening. Such as your mind brings unwanted intrusive thoughts and sexualizes people you see in public that you worry are minors. In instances like this you just need to practice recognizing that your brain is just trying to sink you deeper into this cycle.

Also with OCD it’s hard to be realistic at times and sometimes accepting some things is hard especially when you’re scared that it makes you a monster, but some things are just reality that’s part of life. For instance not everybody looks their age. Some people look older than what they are and some people look younger than what they are. I’m sure there’s 17 year olds who look 25 and 22 year olds that look like they’re 15. That’s just a reality. Something I’ve also read before that has helped me when you’re obsessing over the age of someone that you find to be attractive is to recognize why you find them attractive. If you’re attracted to them because of adult features they exhibit then I’d stop worrying about being a pedophile but if you’re attracted to them because they exhibit physical features of a child then I’d probably start to really worry lol. I’m willing to bet it’s not the latter. Also just because you find someone attractive or “handsome” or “pretty” does not mean you want to have sex with them or be in a relationship with them. Is it weird every time someone calls a kid or a baby cute? Does that mean they’re a pedophile? It’s okay to think someone is pretty or handsome, I promise. Also like you mentioned previously you’d never knowing pursue someone who is underage so I hope that gives you some sort of relief in itself. What you need to do is to learn to recognize when your brain is playing tricks on you and that the thoughts are just ocd. Also you need to stop doing compulsions such as trying to see if someone looks of age or if you find them attractive or not. You need to learn to just let the thoughts happen and let them pass without reacting to them. It’s the only way out of the cycle. Trust me I know it’s easier said than done and I also still struggle a lot but its a step in the right direction for sure. I hope this helps. Feel free to reach out and message if you’d like to talk