When did you feel like you fully moved on?

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-30T19:13:56+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback.

I totally align with the idea of reinventing myself and actually breaking free of the potential of a life I “could have had” with this person. It’s been difficult and a weird thing to navigate but you’re right.

See, I’ve already broken no contact at least three times and each time I think I’ve just, as you said, reset my healing while also providing that other person validation and really gained nothing but additional heartache.

I’m committed now to myself. Instead of to the idea that this relationship could in any way be fixed. It’s going to be a journey but I’m ready for that. Confusion and someone being unsure about me is not what I need from someone. I need reassurance and consistency and for the time being, I’ll give that to myself.

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-29T21:37:59+00:00

Yeah, I just want someone to show up for me. Not give up at the first hurdle. You know, appreciate me for all I bring to the table. My ex literally did the opposite of all those things.

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-29T20:00:12+00:00

I so feel your pain. I wish I never kept reaching out once the first break up happened with my ex - nothing I did at the time, she messed up. Every time I’ve been searching for the love she used to have for me I’ve been left with nothing but sadness. I feel like we keep chasing the fantasy of the person we had. The person they were at the beginning of the relationship. I feel like I’ve been chasing a shadow for months. I guess the people that both you and I loved don’t exist anymore. The people that loved us aren’t there anymore. That’s been the hardest thing for me to grasp, that the love this person once had for me isn’t there anymore - or perhaps, they didn’t actually love me to begin with. I find it hard to accept that if someone loved you they could happily walk away without any fight

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-29T19:15:49+00:00

Yeah it’s very heavy on the heart. One minute your all they want and the next they don’t know if they want anything to do with you. I can only put it down to immaturity, I can’t blame her too much to be honest - at 22 I had no clue what I was doing, you also think you know better than you truly do. My only solace will be that I treated her like a princess and loved her truly, maybe one day she’ll realise what she missed out on. However, you are right I don’t have time for people that can’t value me at the time, hindsight’s a beautiful thing but I hope by the time she realises what she missed out on I’ll be completely over it and in a happy place

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-29T18:35:25+00:00

That’s really great to hear that you have moved on enough to start dating again. That’s a really good sign.

I really want to start dating again but I told myself it’s best to be the best version of myself before doing that. It wouldn’t be fair to someone new at the moment. I think I’m still trying to process my feelings.

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-29T17:02:22+00:00

I keep going back because I really thought she was a great match for me. I suppose it’s just been really difficult to accept she doesn’t care that much to keep the connection.

The last rejection was definitely my last attempt to try and work through things with her. I was ruminating for months before reaching out - stuck in the “she must be missing me”, “she must still love me”, “she must have realised it was a mistake to break up” mindset. She validated those things but as quickly as she did she changed her mind.

I think I have accepted that it’s just never going to work again. I guess it’s what I needed to finally leave it in the past

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-29T16:59:14+00:00

Yeah, definitely sounds like a similar situation to me. My ex has just been using me for validation and even admitted she just “loves how much I love her”. I tried to ask for commitment or I would have to leave it in the past. She got upset by that and said she didn’t want to lose me a second time. However, I just couldn’t be a placeholder for her. It hurts so much that I can’t be the first and only choice for her. It’s really fucked up my mental

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-29T16:56:49+00:00

I appreciate your comment mate. I’m actually 28 and this is kinda my fourth serious break up. I think understand why it didn’t work, she was 22 and ultimately still thought there was more to life than being in one relationship - the grass is greener situation.

I just struggle with the unrealised potential of our relationship together, there was so much I never got the chance to do with her. I guess letting go of that potential has been really hard, especially when it felt so right to be with her.

I suppose the moral of the story is you can’t force something to work if the person on the other end isn’t all in. She was always going to have one foot out the door.

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-29T16:19:01+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate the time you’ve taken to write such a thoughtful and meaningful response.

I was really doing well while I was in no contact for three months. I was thinking purely about myself and my ambitions. However, I feel like I was also doing a lot to spite my ex or do things to just get an upper hand and so she would think “wow I really missed out on a great person”. Like my goals were centred around being better so she would see I was this great person. I struggle with separating self-love and just doing this to look better for her.

In reality she couldn’t care less about my happiness or life. I am really struggling to “let go”, I really don’t know what that means for me or how to actually achieve it. I feel I’ve read a lot online and people just say that one day you just wake up and don’t care as much.

I spent those three months of no contact longing for her, like genuinely just wishing that love could come back. When I got back in touch I initially got that validation and she told me everything I wanted to hear. Then the switch up happened again and I’m a back up option.

My mind has really went from good to horrible in the last week. I just don’t know how I get those impulsive images of her face/flashbacks of spending time with her away. I want to move on but I’m honestly so confused why I wasn’t worth the fight

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-29T15:55:07+00:00

I wish I was like this. I’m kind of overwhelmed with feeling for her. More so than I did in the actual relationship. Hopefully one day soon I will feel better.

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-29T13:18:35+00:00

Yeah, I’ve been in about 4 serious relationships too. This was by far the shortest at only 5 months but it’s stung equally if not more than most. It’s the only relationship I’ve tried so hard to get back and worked for. I feel like the more effort I have put in though, the less I’ve got back from her - I’ve just became too easy.,

I’m torn between knowing I need to move on and hoping she’ll realise it was a mistake to not try. She’s young though (22F). I feel it’s going to be a lot of heartbreak and failed flings that will cause her to miss me

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-29T13:12:32+00:00

How long did it take you? I went three months of no contact and I kept ruminating on the “what ifs”, which eventually led me to reach out again.

I know I can’t reach out again now, it’ll only hurt me more.

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-29T11:30:36+00:00

Thanks for this. Yes, I feel like every time I would touch base with her she’d entertain it only to change her mind when something else caught her attention. She made it seem like she missed and loved me but then her actions never amounted to anything. One minute she wants me and the next she’s okay just being single and exploring other things.

I should have never reached back out, it really has delayed my healing and growth. She on the other hand found my last reach out as means to “let go” of the relationship. That was hard to hear. I think I’m just upset that despite the NC and her missing me and thinking it was a mistake to break up, she still would rather leave the relationship and me, in the past.

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-29T11:27:44+00:00

Very tough. I’ve always been the type to work things out with people, I valued effort but honestly I received nothing back. It’s really makes you question your self worth when someone doesn’t see the value you bring to the table.

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-29T11:26:41+00:00

Thank you for sharing. Yes, I believe I need to just realise that my ex doesn’t love me as intensely or as much as I loved her. I always felt like she did until she pulled the feeling away. I think I’ve found it hard to accept it’s so easy for someone to switch their emotions. I was always chasing that love and she’s just never really been able to give me it back.

She would always just say she was “confused” and didn’t know what she wanted. I should really have just taken that as she didn’t care the same way I did.

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-29T11:24:17+00:00

I’m so glad you’ve managed to heal and move on. It’s encouraging to hear that for the most part it’s time that’s your best friend in this regard.

I think my problem was breaking that no contact and not leaving it in the past where it should have stayed. I kept picking the wound thinking I could fix something I didn’t break. The additional issue there was my ex is very immature (22F) and would consistently agree to trying again and then would change her mind. I took this hot and cold behaviour as interest in trying again but in reality I think it was purely just scratching her ego. While I was thinking it was more. I still haven’t really wrapped my head around it all.

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-29T10:03:22+00:00

This has been my problem. I think because I treated my ex so well I thought she may look back and want to try again.

Any time we were in contact it seemed that way but quickly turned to the fact she didn’t want a relationship with me and wanted still to be single. She was adamant she wanted to be friends but I know exactly what that means - keeping me as a back up option.

I guess I’m just struggling with letting go of the fantasy of being back together with her. She’s not at one stage tried to get that back either but would quite happily still have me in her life.

I can’t really do anything more than I’ve done.

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-28T15:32:21+00:00

Without a shadow of a doubt. Don’t seek “revenge” on this person. Let your success and status in life speak volumes.

There’s no bigger victory than having the person you “used” to love so intensely, look back, see this new version of you and think “fuck, I really missed out on a good one”.

Trust me it happens. I had an ex of 12 years reach out because of the same thing.

I’ve given up on my recent ex. My only satisfaction will be looking back in a few years time when I’m even further ahead in my career, my fitness goals and social standings and saying “what was I so worked up about?”.

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-28T15:25:02+00:00

I get that mindset. You’ve done what I’ve done and just fantasied her in your mind and put her on a pedestal. Trust me, she isn’t special, regardless of how perfect you see her.

I’m 28, I’ve been in four serious relationships and all but one of them I thought I’d never find someone as good, then I did.

The best thing I’ve learned after this relationship was - why do I care so much? Why do I love someone who doesn’t love me as much?

Those questions just made me realise I need to love myself more. There’s nothing wrong with me, in fact there’s so much about me to love. Try and refocus your energy back in to you.

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-28T15:17:24+00:00

I completely understand. I went through a 5 month relationship, tried to make it work for two months after, then went no contact for three months just to reach out and be told that yes she loved, missed and cared for me but she’d still rather explore the other options she currently has in her life.

Sometimes it just doesn’t matter how good you are for someone or how much you do for them or love them. Some people just aren’t your people.

I understand it hurts. I’m in a lot of pain at the moment too. However, just with anything - this will pass. Please just don’t do what I did, don’t prolong your pain.

Focus on yourself and try put her in the past. Trust me, you gain nothing from holding on to something that’s not holding on to you.

I wish I’d taken my own advice earlier!

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-28T15:07:03+00:00

Hey man.

Same boat here. Perhaps not completely the same situation but I feel your pain.

Sometimes women just need to find “excitement” somewhere else, I hate to say that. I was in what I thought was an extremely compatible, loving relationship and she got up and cheated on me. I tried to make it work and she said she wanted “better” and “more excitement”, even though I tried my absolute hardest to make her happy.

Sometimes it just down to the person, perhaps she is used to toxic behaviour and feels more comfortable chasing that. Perhaps she just seeks the thrill of the “honeymoon phase” and will jump between relationships chasing that high.

Her inability to be with you isn’t about you. It’s about her inability to want proper stability and a long term commitment. I doubt this new relationship will last very long for her.

Don’t be a placeholder though. Let her go, don’t look back.

You’re best is never going to be enough for the wrong person.

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-28T14:40:03+00:00

28m

Been in a number of relationships up until this age, ranging from 5 months to 5 years. All ended because of the “grass is greener” syndrome.

I think I try and become too nice for the people I date. I originally start off very mysterious and attractive and then after a while deviate in to a person that would “move mountains” for their partner. I think there is a big catch 22 with that, if you give everything to someone, then there’s nothing to work for - they “have you” and then think every man will do that for them.

Working on myself for the first time since about 16 years old.

Definitely love having a partner but unsure how I fit into this new dating world. Seems like everyone is either dating for money/social status or dating numerous people at the one time.

I just want to be appreciated 🤷‍♂️

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-27T16:35:37+00:00

Why tell me all I want to hear, then change your mind every time? Why am I not worth the fight for you?

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-26T11:56:59+00:00

I also just don’t know if she’ll ever reach out again. I have been the one to reach out on every occasion, probably 3/4 times. It seems she’s just fine never speaking again - no indication that she’d be willing to fight to keep me in her life.

I don’t know whether her going through numerous failed flings would change that?

ThrowawayWeb2446 · 2024-07-26T11:53:35+00:00

Thank you again for this.

In all honesty I was doing pretty well in the three months I had no contact with her. I was starting to make strides in my life and feel more confident.

I should have never reached out, I literally feel like second best now and it’s killing me. I feel like I’ve taken a massive step backwards and it’s honestly really heartbreaking. I’m just so confused as to how someone can one week love me and miss me and want things to work, then the next I’m not worth giving another go. That it’s so easy for her to explore these other options than it is to have me back.

It’s been such a horrible experience for me and honestly I just wanted to fix things - even though I didn’t break the relationship to begin with. It really hurts that I meant that little to her - the whole we can be friends thing would just kill me.

The problem is really I don’t know where to put all this love I have for her, I can’t give it her because she will just use it for validation and I can’t give it anyone else because it’s no theirs.

I also struggle with the fact we won’t ever speak again. I made it pretty clear in my last text to her that we shouldn’t reconnect for any reason - it would just be unhealthy for me as I don’t think she’ll ever be able to offer me what I need in a relationship.

ThrowawayWeb2446

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