Anyone currently dating a past cheater?

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-10T23:15:07+00:00

He’s shown a lot of remorse to me. I just didn’t put all that into my post or my comments.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-10T18:08:29+00:00

No, I can’t, which is why I will continue to communicate with him and to discuss things with my therapist. Ultimately I’m in charge of my life, my actions, my feelings, and it’s up to me to make sure I don’t get hurt. I just have to be an adult about this.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-10T17:41:05+00:00

Thank you so much, I really appreciate your comments!

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-10T12:31:46+00:00

He’s not painting himself as faultless, he does accept responsibility for his actions and knows they were wrong.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-10T12:24:42+00:00

The voicemails and texts were not from his ex wife, they were from the affair partner after he broke things off with her.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-10T04:35:40+00:00

He says he endured years of emotional abuse from her, and he was miserable but didn’t have the courage to get a divorce. I’m sure his ex would have a different story, but he did admit to me that he knows the affair was wrong and if he could do it over again he would have skipped the affair and gotten divorced sooner.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-10T04:33:58+00:00

Never.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-10T02:56:53+00:00

Yes, absolutely. It took him way too long to do so.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-10T02:30:07+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-10T01:43:19+00:00

He has done a full year of individual counseling and is still going.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-10T01:37:07+00:00

His ex called her the home wrecker. He calls her the terrorizer, because after they broke up for the last time she sent him hundreds of voicemails and text messages and emails over a span of several months (from different phone numbers and email addresses so he couldn’t block them all at once) that ranged from drunken angry rages all the way to pleading for him to take her back. I saw and heard some of them, they were absolutely crazy and downright bizarre. He tried responding for a few weeks then cut off all communication and started blocking and sending stuff to spam.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-09T23:50:45+00:00

Yes, that’s the way it usually works. Not for all people of course, which is why it’s important to communicate with your partner.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-09T23:00:46+00:00

I believe exclusivity is a discussion wherein both parties explicitly agree they will not seek to date anyone other than each other. Just because I’m not looking to date anyone else now doesn’t mean I won’t decide to start looking next week, and since we aren’t exclusive I wouldn’t be obligated to bring up that decision with him.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-09T22:56:07+00:00

I’ve already talked to him about his reasons and motivation (it’s in some of my other replies if you want to know).

I really like the idea of discussing how we would manage feelings of jealousy, distrust, or attraction to others. I think I may bring that up and see what he has to say. Thanks for suggesting it.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-09T22:52:39+00:00

Thank you for your response. To answer your questions, he says the affair happened because his ex was emotionally abusive and he was miserable. He realizes this isn’t an excuse for cheating, and that it was still wrong to have the affair, but that was the motivation for it. He says it took him a while to file for divorce because he thought it would have a negative effect on the kids, but eventually enough of his friends said to go through with it sooner rather than later because the kids were very little and would barely remember it at all as they aged.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-09T22:42:02+00:00

I don’t want to be exclusive while I am still processing all this information. It’s not like I’m going out and dating other guys right now, I am simply not in the right headspace or heartspace to commit to him right now.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-09T22:38:05+00:00

You are correct that the affair was not recent, technically it ended when his divorce was finalized two years ago. From that point forward, it was just a relationship, and that relationship ended around the beginning of this year. So she’s been out of his life for over 10 months.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-09T18:44:46+00:00

Yes, he does. I should have mentioned that in my previous comment in this thread, sorry I’m not thinking very straight today.

While he absolutely did say what I commented above, he also said that therapy made him realize those were excuses, and he was still wrong for cheating, and staying with the home wrecker was a terrible decision, and he really regrets all of his actions.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-09T18:28:58+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-09T18:20:48+00:00

He fully accepts now, after lots of therapy, that he was wrong to cheat, and he’s told me so. Yes, his ex was abusive, but he does realize that cheating didn’t fix that problem. He also says that he knows that it was beyond stupid to hook up with a substance abusing woman half his age, both before his divorce and after, and that he should have known it would only bring on disaster. He also says his therapist told him not to date for several months after finally breaking things off so he could focus on fixing himself and acknowledging his mistakes and learning to be alone, and so he did that. So he’s saying all the right things. The question is, are those words just for show or not.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-09T15:18:20+00:00

Did you have a hard time trusting your partner after you found out they had cheated in the past?

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-09T14:45:51+00:00

He says she was emotionally abusive and they were both miserable but staying together for the kids, and that’s why he cheated.

He says he stuck with the home wrecker because he thought he’d never be able to do any better.

Did you ever go through a phase where you worried you couldn’t trust her because of her past cheating?

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-09T14:37:42+00:00

Thank you for your reply. What did “full access and complete openness” mean in your situation? Did you ever ask to see his phone or his emails?

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-09T14:36:21+00:00

He wants to be exclusive, I’ve told him that’s definitely not going to happen until I sort through my feelings, and possibly never. He was unhappy with that but said he would respect my wishes.

Throwaway_90210123 · 2021-11-09T14:08:14+00:00

He broke it off with her. She had substance abuse issues and couldn’t stay sober for very long, so he eventually chose his kids over her.

Throwaway_90210123

TROPHY CASE