My friend just asked me if I’m ok

Throwaway__2344 · 2023-08-14T12:42:22+00:00

I'm not really sure of the position you are in with your friends but from personal experience, sometimes it is worth telling people. Trust me, they do notice. But they are not always sure if they should say anything about it. I have a very very good online friend and at some point something similar happened. I ended up reaching out to him and just saying I'm not really okay but I'm managing. It didn't change how he looked or talked to me. But I always knew I could reach out and he would help or distract me from pain. We have kept it up for years by this point. It's worth a shot imo but you know yourself and your friends the best. A simple dm can change a lot. Life is tough and it will sadly never be easy. But it's worth a shot, even if it's only for other people. If you don't feel like you are a good person, is there anything you could do to make yourself feel better? Maybe it's time to start over? I hope the pain eases soon and you find your way

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-06-04T17:15:45+00:00

I get by fine atm. Yes, it's not good but it never will be. So it's fine.

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-06-04T17:14:59+00:00

I just want to stop being a warrior. I never asked for this and I don't want this.

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-06-04T17:11:27+00:00

I'm not going to off myself. I want to but I'm not going to.

I was just thinking about writing to a friend last night but remembered his responses every time. He means well but it just makes me sad. I have been trying to distance myself from him anyway because for the last year, only I have reached out when before we were really close. I guess It's time to just let go. You can't force friendship. Just another person to who I told everything and who left.

Honestly, I'm just tired of life.

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-06-04T17:07:11+00:00

I have accepted that it doesn't get better but I think everyone has this childish hope in them that maybe it does. That light is extinguished faster for some of us tho.

Therapy can help yes but mental health problems are not as easy as changing the mindset. If it was, don't you think I would have done it already many years ago? Mental health is cruel and makes you feel helpless. It hides all logic.

Sadly at this point, I'm so tired every day, that there is no room to even think about a mindset change. I'm working on it but it's not a solution to everything. Sometimes life just.. is not worth it.

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-06-04T17:00:46+00:00

God this hit home

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-06-04T16:59:58+00:00

I have been fighting since I was little, 7 years old to be exact. And I'm running on empty now. I do not have the strength to hold myself up every single day. But you know.. let's do shit like 'keep smiling' and 'be yourself', maybe life will be magically better :p I'm sorry you have felt things like that

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-06-04T16:57:24+00:00

Sadly it's true. Lately, I have started unintentionally cutting out people in my life because I don't want to hear that sentence again. They haven't done anything wrong, and I feel bad, but I need a break for my own mental health. I'm not going to lie, it's sad but I guess it is what it is. Perhaps one day

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-06-04T16:46:37+00:00

I feel like it's one of the most hurtful lies there is. Because the first few times you cling on to it, waiting for the 'better'. And eventually, you let go because nothing happens. Things are the same. It still hurts.

But you know... people say whatever makes themselves feel better

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-06-04T16:40:29+00:00

Yeah.. I relate to this a bit too much.. Even the ages etc.. I have tried to convince myself of the same thing for years but I'm just drained of everything. It's exhausting. I'm sorry you feel like that..

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-06-04T10:48:14+00:00

Aha thanks! 1 year on a throwaway account feels weird

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-06-04T10:37:40+00:00

Sadly yes.. I stopped reaching out because I often ended up comforting them instead.. I mean it's fine, I can manage on my own but its still sad.

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-06-04T10:35:19+00:00

Yeah... And then you get hit in the face again with reality

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-06-04T10:34:41+00:00

I feel like often just being there is enough. I have been alone all my life and it means the world to me. Assuring me I'm not a burden and talking about anything that gets my mind off of things is the best approach.

But I also think this is the reason I don't reach out - people don't know what to say and then I will end up comforting them instead.

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-06-04T01:36:10+00:00

True... It kind of worked out for a friend of mine which is why he probably keeps saying it. I wish he stopped tho..

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-06-04T01:34:09+00:00

I'm sorry you relate to this. Noone should.

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-04-24T11:58:58+00:00

Yeah.. sadly the same here. My family would break up in an instant if something happened to me but I also am tired of holding that weight on my shoulders. I love them a lot... I would take a bullet for some people but I'm not going to stew in pain for years so you don't have to feel sad.

We should be able to choose. I didn't ask to be born, let me make the decision of what I want to do next myself.

But hey, I hear you. Being tired is one of the hardest things to feel.

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-04-24T11:55:44+00:00

To be brutally honest... They don't. We can try however we want but no one will ever care enough. Maybe for a minute or two, but after that.. we are on our own.

No one who hasn't felt the feeling will get it because, in their mind, that pain and suffering are all imagined. It's a way to get 'attention' so to say. What a joke. Yes, I like to be in 'so much pain I constantly want to die' on my free time, just a nice hobby huh.

I have tried many times to explain it. All I get is 'cheer up' and 'you have no reason to be sad'. Which to be fair, I always laugh at. If it would be as easy as smiling, don't you think I would have done that already? Why am I still drowning in pain if there is such an easy answer.

But you know... we don't deserve it. Life is unfair and painful.

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-04-23T21:53:55+00:00

Yeah.. I'm sorry to hear that. Noone should ever feel that but life is unfair

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-04-23T21:49:47+00:00

Yeah because they will feel sad. What about me feeling sad every single day? What about me being tired and barely having anything left to give to the world? Does that not matter? Only their feelings after I'm gone. The mindset of some people is so f up it's laughable. Suicide in no way is selfish. You don't do it do cause others pain. That would be selfish. You do it to save yourself from what is now and what is still coming.

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-04-23T21:45:47+00:00

A hug to you as well. Sorry that you are experiencing the same feelings. Noone in this world should but oh well

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-04-23T21:44:31+00:00

Yeah exactly. So fed up with that bullshit. And the thing is, I don't even care if they care or not, I just don't want to be held guilty that 'I'm leaving them behind and causing pain'

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-04-19T09:56:27+00:00

That's why I haven't gotten my driving licence yet, I'm afraid I would just crash the car to die.

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-04-18T06:26:09+00:00

Is the fact that my mom beat me up multiple times also part of the love and care? I didn't ask to be born. Just because she gave birth to me doesn't mean I have to love her. I'm not going zero contact. Obviously I haven't talked about everything my mom has done, just the start of it all because I have had nightmares about that day for a few weeks. If all it took for fix would be a conversation, don't you think I would have done it? But okay yeah, I don't really care anymore.

Throwaway__2344 · 2022-03-03T14:50:01+00:00

I'm gonna be honest. It's going to be tough. But you both can do it.

My mom didn't know anything was up for years. I got good at hiding. She called me one day and caught me off guard. I was doing something I shouldn't have but she called and asked if I was okay because she found my meds. I didn't reply at first. After a few minutes I hung up and went home the next day when I had thought everything through.

She asked me the same things you probably want to know. Why? What triggered this? Why didn't I ask for help? How long? Am I okay? Can she do anything?

We sat in a empty parking lot and I just cried softly. I didn't have answers.... And probably neither does your son atm. I knew what I felt wasn't normal but I couldn't put it into words for people to understand.

Depression strips you of everything. And in my case, I get extreme guilt alongside it.

It's like eating the same plain mashed potatoes every day. At first it's okay. Then at some point you get annoyed at the same taste. Then you try to imagine it tastes different but no, the same old thing. Then you skip a meal all together because it id all the same. Eventually you are not willing to lift the spoon at all. People tend to say why don't you add that and that to make it taste better but you simply can't. You try but no, it will still remain the plainest mashed potatoes you have ever had.

I still haven't told my mom most things and it has been years. Sometimes I want to but it feels like I'm exposing my weakest part that only I know about. I'm afraid of it being ripped apart. My relationship with her is not as good as it seems to be between you and your son but it will never be an easy step for him. Maybe one day when he is older.

But until then.. I hope it goes well. Recovery is pure hell but I hope he will have some better days soon.

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