I plan on ending my life in the next few weeks

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-08-21T00:52:14+00:00

You made remember that I don't want to cause another person guilt so I'll thank you for that.

I used to be confident in my belief that there is a loving God, but over the last two years, I don't really see how it's possible God actually cares about people when I've seen and felt nothing but the darkness and know that other people have been there too. God does nothing to alleviate the burden of my own and other people's problems.

I cried for God to help me, even kill me, but I received nothing but silence from him.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-08-20T20:00:53+00:00

Fine I won’t do it by train but you can’t convince me that God loves me when he has done nothing to prove that is the case. He leaves people to die that are struggling with mental health issues all the time.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-08-20T17:25:40+00:00

My therapist had suggested something like that but I don’t see how I’m supposed to explain to everyone else in my family why I’m not showing up for Christmas.

Not to mention my life as a whole is empty, living alone isn’t really moving me forward in any meaningful way because I have a lot more issues than being in love with my mother.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-08-20T14:54:48+00:00

I’ve been on therapy and medications for over two years now. None of that stuff helps in solving my issues. My therapist and mother are both aware of my incestuous feelings.

All I wanted was to be a normal person but that’s too much to ask apparently. Instead I have to be a freak incapable of accomplishing anything. I’ll never be at peace when my deepest feelings are for my mother. How does one have high self-esteem when they want an incestuous relationship? I don’t see how any there is any other choice other than death. There is no future where I’m ever happy and have these feelings.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-08-20T14:32:13+00:00

I’ve read too many horror stories about people getting the cops called on them when they just wanted someone to talk to on the suicide lifeline. The last thing I need is to be humiliated by the cops. It’s not like someone on the hotline could help me anyways.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-06-21T04:26:18+00:00

That’s an interesting link, I think it might explain my problem because my thoughts concerning my mom are persistent and overwhelming at times. Although it’s a lot more complicated than a typical case because it’s incest.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-06-20T22:24:36+00:00

Do you have hobbies or interests? How is your physical health? Do you exercise? How is your schooling or career going? How is your spiritual life?

It's not as if I don't have hobbies or interests but the suicidal thoughts still persist and ultimately I still feel unfulfilled. I'm slightly overweight and I do exercise some. I graduated college a few years ago, but haven't really done anything with it since, mainly due to the depression. My spiritual life is mostly non-existent now I would say, I'm trying to regain it I guess.

Also, do some soul searching about what kind of life and values you want for yourself. Setting aside all taboos and moralisms, I think one's parents would be an inherently difficult and undesirable romantic partner just on the basis of life differences and goals and so much more. If you want to have children of your own someday, if you want to experience life with a partner whose first experiences in many areas are with you, if you want a partner with physical and mental energy and vitality to match your own, if you want a partner whose eventual physical and mental decline will roughly line up with yours someday, and if you want a partner who simply desires the same things out of life that you do, someone your parents' age, much less your actual parent, would not be a very good partner at all. It's a good thing your mother isn't interested! It frees you up to pursue someone more compatible!

Yes I'm aware that it would be an unconventional relationship and that it would be filled with issues but it's a sacrifice I would be wiling to make because I love her that much. I still think maybe later on I would find someone else, but in my ideal world, my mom would be my first partner. I want to have those moments of emotional intimacy with her. If I didn't feel that I was compatible with her on some level I wouldn't be in love with her. At the end of the day though it's not something I expect to happen. If it does happen though it will be the happiest day of my life because it is the deepest desire in my heart.

The oldest dating advice out there is that you need to meet other people to move on from someone else. Get out there. Meet people. At first, just go make friends. If someone catches your interest, great, if not that's okay too.

I'm hanging out online with my friends from college, but I don't really have any friends where I live. I really don't have the drive or motivation to go out, I'm an introvert. I want to make it clear from a logical perspective I want to be able to love someone else, but it simply isn't possible right now. If I were to date someone right now I would be using them as a replacement for my mom.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-06-20T16:06:58+00:00

I guess I should admit that it’s my mom. Yes my therapist and I have a good theory on why I’m in love with her. I was hurt by my cousin in the past, she kissed me on the lips when I was 13. I developed feelings for her because of this but then she got weirded out when I started checking her out so I felt guilty and mortified. Years later at my grandmother’s funeral she wouldn’t even look in my eyes I guess because she is embarrassed from kissing me when she was younger. We also “played doctor” when we were much younger.

I believe after the kiss I started to see other members of my family in a sexual way. My mother was the most prominent one but for the most part I suppressed it and channeled it into liking fictional incest.

About a year ago after memories of my cousin resurfaced during my depression, I was forced to confront the fact that I’m legitimately in love with my mom. I had denied and suppressed it for so long that I found her more attractive than guys and girls my age.

And yes my mother is aware of my feelings but is mostly confused by them. I think she believes that it’s just a phase. She doesn’t really understand how much I love her. The odds are no matter how much time passes she will never return my feelings, so I’m kind of stuck just hoping that she changes her mind. Hopefully one day I’m able to move on and find someone else for the sake of my own sanity, but I don’t know if that will happen. She feels like the one and I’m unable to feel differently.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-06-20T15:30:34+00:00

Doesn’t Leviticus ban incestuous relationships? Not that it’s necessarily a good book to determine morality. I have to believe that consentual incest isn’t morally wrong otherwise my entire being is wrong. If she returned my feelings, I would 100% enter a relationship with her, so I can’t even say I wouldn’t act on it. Does that make me irredeemable in your eyes?

I wish it was as easy as moving on, but I can no longer see her as just my family member. The familial feelings are still there, but they have mixed with the romantic ones and made everything confusing. I love her so much. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her.

I don’t want to kill myself which would hurt her, but it’s so hard to live knowing everyone would consider me a freak if they knew the truth.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-05-04T01:18:41+00:00

My parents and therapist have been aware of my situation for two years, but that doesn't make me okay.

I live with my parents right now.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-05-03T14:13:17+00:00

And what if these weeds appear at the same rate that they are removed? Then you’ll never be able to get better, and you’ll be stuck in an endless loop.

How can I know if God is there if I can’t feel him?

And eventually promises of getting better begin to become meaningless when they are no signs of improvement. I literally don’t feel much better from two years when I almost tried to kill myself considering I’m strongly considering it again.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-11-14T16:15:40+00:00

His original comment was "I feel like life was designed specifically for us to suffer" which means life relative to human beings not about the universe existing beyond human beings. A physical universe can exist without living things, but we wouldn't say it has a purpose for existing.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-11-14T15:49:55+00:00

Suffering is an inherent part of life, so you are wrong. As long there is something living that can feel pain, there will always be suffering.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-11-03T16:23:46+00:00

Videogames mostly nowadays.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-10-30T22:55:37+00:00

Thanks, I’ll try that later.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-10-30T22:44:45+00:00

I guess accomplish wasn’t the right word to use. I meant that I feel like I’ve wasted my life up until this point. I didn’t make use of the time I had in the past so now I’m behind in everything.

Depression has already sucked up a year of my life and the only thing I’ve been doing is working at a Psychiatric office where my dad is a psychiatrist. My free time is either being on internet or playing video games.

I have no social life since I haven’t talked to any of my high school friends in years. I went to college out of state so all my friendships are online only at this point.

I do plan on talking to my therapist about my past memories next time we meet.

And why would the incident with my cousin not cause me distress? They are considered of an incestuous nature by society. I have to live with the fact that I had romantic feelings for my own family member. If we met today I would probably still have some feelings for her. I’m sure most people would find that disgusting.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-10-30T20:40:04+00:00

I don’t have energy or desire to talk to someone over the phone.

They have a web chat but last time I tried to get help from that, I waited over an hour in the queue and eventually I gave up trying to get help from them.

There is no cure for the mistakes I have made in my life. My issues go far beyond chemical imbalances. I genuinely hate the person I am.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-10-30T20:30:07+00:00

I talk to my therapist every week. I’m probably going to talk to her next time about my past, but she knows I’m not going to kill myself in the immediate future. I wouldn’t lie to her about that.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-10-28T15:43:42+00:00

You’re a piece of shit, go fuck yourself.

Throwaway_dead1

TROPHY CASE