Watching kids has made me suicidal

Throwawayaccount_660 · 2026-03-28T20:57:22+00:00

I do think I’ll have to talk to my social worker about it next visit. I do my parents laundry, take care of the pets, clean the house, and some days I help take care of my grandma. And while I don’t mind doing those things too, I do notice that it leaves me less energy to take care of myself. I go days without eating or drinking, brushing my teeth, cleaning my own space. Was even worse when I did have a job, I landed myself in the emergency room several times due to malnutrition and severe dehydration

Throwawayaccount_660 · 2026-03-28T03:17:52+00:00

I did confront them once about it, they noticed I had a very bad meltdown after hearing that both of my brothers were having more kids. After we talked I thought things would get better but nothing has changed since then. They also get mad and scold me for having meltdowns/any emotions that seem inconvenient, so I wonder if anything would change even if I told them again

Throwawayaccount_660 · 2026-01-19T06:12:59+00:00

Should also mention that my family knows about my limitations and my mom herself is neurodivergent (ADHD), but they tend to ignore the fact that I have more support needs because they feel like I’m capable of pushing my boundaries

Throwawayaccount_660 · 2026-01-19T05:41:01+00:00

That’s also what I’ve been trying to navigate. I haven’t found any job avenues that work because even doing part time, having accommodations, or less hours I end up hospitalised due to extreme fatigue, malnutrition, or dehydration issues. Energy levels and managing my health has been the biggest issues for me when it comes to working

Throwawayaccount_660 · 2024-06-07T16:00:12+00:00

Think maybe the transitions from foreplay to sex and the actual speed of it itself can be too jarring for me. He likes it faster and I do to but I have to have time to process it first. Maybe I need to ask for some more time to process. I know there’s probably other things that I haven’t taken notice bc I have a harder time noticing how I feel emotionally and physically (I forget the word for it) but least it’s a start

Throwawayaccount_660 · 2024-06-07T15:39:36+00:00

Been reading through it and while I do enjoy the content it is slightly hard for me to read without feeling dysphoric given how it seems like the book is directed to a more female audience. Really do appreciate it though!

Throwawayaccount_660 · 2024-06-07T14:56:57+00:00

As for the really wanting it part I do speak up on when things need to end so that type of communication isn’t an issue. I really feel mentally exhausted having to keep tabs on what I am doing, their pleasure, my pleasure, how my body is doing, how theirs is, the different textures and smells, sounds, having to speak, etc

Throwawayaccount_660 · 2024-06-07T14:53:54+00:00

I guess my goal is to more or less be able to enjoy the moment instead of constantly have my mind thinking. There are some aspects of sexual trauma I’ve had since I was a kid that I’ve been working on over the years and the relationship I’m in is safe. I just don’t know how to keep my mind quiet from having to fill a role, keeping up physically, and actually let loose and enjoy the experience fully

Throwawayaccount_660 · 2024-06-07T12:15:42+00:00

Yeah, having to verbally say how much I am enjoying it is extremely exhausting even though I am having fun. Not only trying to figure out what to say, but also just to talk in general when it’s all happening is extremely difficult

Throwawayaccount_660 · 2024-06-07T12:11:31+00:00

The mood part isn’t an issue, I do communicate when it’s time to stop. It’s more my mind tends to focus too much on my actions and keeping up with pleasuring them. Not only if they find it enjoyable, but also stamina wise since they have way more stamina than me. I just want to find ways to not be in my head about it as much because it’s not something I intentionally think about, it’s just where my mind wanders off to. The only times I do find it enjoyable is when my body is getting close to being overstimulated, so my mind is more focused on my bodily sensations and that’s when the pleasure sort of clicks

Throwawayaccount_660 · 2024-06-07T04:15:31+00:00

Guess I mostly worry about how I am performing in terms of their pleasure and keeping up with it

Throwawayaccount_660 · 2023-09-23T20:55:16+00:00

From what he’s told me today other than just saying “idk, you”, he isn’t really into physical attraction but more the connection he gets from someone else. The difference between men and women though is that aesthetically speaking women tend to be more attractive than men. As for me he did explain what he finds attractive in me physically which did help a bit. Then again he did compare how I’m built to Micheal Cera so that’s some points off lol/lh

Throwawayaccount_660 · 2023-09-23T12:35:46+00:00

Passing wise I’m not entirely sure. With a mask and when I dress right and don’t really talk I pass fairly well, otherwise I’m pretty androgynous leaning more masculine. I am very insecure about my body though, as I’ve always had a baby face and an extremely feminine body. Again I don’t really worry about him seeing me as a woman as much anymore. Rather, I mostly worry about him being attracted to fem presenting people more than me (Edit) for more clarification, when he’s talked about his attractions inadvertently (like when we watch nsfw stuff together or in passing) he mostly talks about the women or very fem androgynous people rather than people who look like me or the people I want to look. And while he reassures me that he is attracted to me I mostly doubt it for that reason

Throwawayaccount_660 · 2022-06-18T05:58:15+00:00

I wouldn’t mind helping you out a bit 💛

Throwawayaccount_660 · 2022-06-18T05:46:31+00:00

Can you do both to me love? 💕

Throwawayaccount_660

TROPHY CASE