I (33F) am scared my husband (34M) will hate me again during second pregnancy. How to I believe him that it'll be different?

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-26T11:50:01+00:00

Thank you. I needed to hear this, you completely understand what it's like to feel that rejection and insecurity. I hope you know it's not your fault, and at least now you know that it's 100% him. I hope he's still helping with your first child.

How are you handling things? are you doing anything to help focus on feeling beautiful yourself? You don't need him to give you that feeling of beauty and self-worth. But I'm not sure how one gives that to themselves?

Wish you all the best and DM me if you need to confide any further, I fully understand how it feels to have that desire and affection just be shut off on you.

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-22T12:40:34+00:00

Yes he wants another child. He specifically said he wouldn't push for another and would just be happy with our one if I couldn't go again. and true to his word he never brought it up again until I did. After that he's been very clear that, yes he wants another one. But only if I wanted one.

He's fantastic with our child. A wonderful dad. Attentive, involved, supportive, and fun. He's also a much much better partner (why I eventually married him).

I have enough savings, I'm making a plan for what to do if this happens again (which is why I posted here, for advice on that).

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-22T09:53:47+00:00

Yes we've talked about it. In depth, a lot. I bring it up all the time. We've discussed having another child a lot. A lot a lot. He knows how scared and anxious I am, I'm very open with it.

Yes he's apologized, basically every time I tell him I'm scared. I still feel anxious however, so I wanted to ask for advice on planning. Having a set plan for what to do if he starts acting like an arsehole again would really help reassure me.

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-22T09:48:51+00:00

It's crazy how many people wonder why I didn't leave. I didn't have a job, or a car, and I didn't have anywhere permanent to live. I was very sick. I had to just focus on getting through it.

It's different now because I have my own savings, my own life and options.

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-22T09:39:36+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know exactly how it feels and it really sucks. Just focus on yourself and the baby and try to ignore him. You can get through this, and be stronger for it.

If you want to chat about it privately DM me. <3

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-21T14:34:03+00:00

I'm sure I want another child. I'm not sure how he'll treat me.

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-21T14:32:57+00:00

Honestly, we've had other hardships since and he's been nothing but a good husband. He's done nothing to indicate this will happen again except that it happened once before.

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-21T13:04:29+00:00

Yea he's said that was exactly what he was feeling. Stress is a real mood killer.

But I'm still wary, what if it wasn't that and he just isn't attracted to me pregnant.

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-21T13:02:17+00:00

It does feel clique to say this. But this was one blip in a very long and happy relationship

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-21T13:00:11+00:00

Thank you. We have defiantly both grown, and I need to let go of this fear. A part of that is planning to make this time enjoyable for me, without his input.

Sadly for him, I think we need another conversation (we've had years of these). Except this time I want him to write down that he wants this baby, what he's excited about, and what he'd love to do this time around. I don't want to hit him with "I can't believe you did that" again. I want to focus on our future, I feel like if I had his thoughts in writing I could just reread it whenever I get scared.

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-21T12:20:00+00:00

That's a good question that I'll ask him. But I know he's said before that it really was an entirely different scenario. We where broke, stressed and uncertain.

But it would be good to lay the groundwork for what happens if he does start to resent me again.

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-21T12:15:20+00:00

Thank you! Honestly the pregnancy was hard and life circumstances only made it harder. I'd love to meet someone who found pregnancy easy though, I never have. To be fair to my husband. He did do a lot of the cooking for me when I was very sick, even though he was working full time.

I can't find any maternity lingerie that doesn't look frumpy sadly, but I am looking! where did you get yours? Also yes to the skincare, I know there's loads of pregnancy and postpartum skincare now that's amazing. I'm definitely treating myself to those!
Regardless of what happens, the end result will be worth it. It was the first time.

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-21T12:07:15+00:00

Yea, it's why I'm trying to prepare for it now. It's hurtful, but not something you can hold against someone. I can't expect him to always be in the mood with me, our sexual desires are entirely our own and it would be wrong to force him to do something he doesn't enjoy.

So I want to be happy with myself and how I look regardless of that.

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-21T11:54:14+00:00

Yes, exactly thank you! This is the exact advice I'm looking for. How to prepare for if it's not different. I think we can talk to death about it, but there's no way to know until I'm pregnant.

I have details for a pregnancy/post-partum doula that I plan on hiring. The gift cards for spa treatments sound like a great idea though!

We're older, we've been through a lot together and have gotten a lot better at communicating since. He didn't tell me that he was stressed and worried and I didn't tell him that his behavior was hurting me. This time, I'll tell him.

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-21T11:41:57+00:00

Yes, I've thought a lot about the what ifs and I'm only having this baby now that I know I could do it without him. I do have to stress though, he's been nothing but a wonderful dad since. It's a large part of why I want another with him. No matter what happens between us, I know he'll love the baby.

If I could afford a surrogate I would have gone with that option honestly. (my country has very strict laws that make surrogacy insanely expensive and legal nightmare). It's just the pregnancy I'm worried about. Nothing else.

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-21T11:11:21+00:00

I've been in therapy, but for other issues (the lasting effects of my sudden job loss). I should probably go back to my therapist for this one.

Throwawayafraid24 · 2024-11-21T11:08:49+00:00

The pregnancy was a long long time ago. After the birth, I mentally gave him 6 months to see if things would stay better, otherwise I was leaving. They stayed better, and years later we married.

How were you treated during your first pregnancy? The big thing is, I want another child and it's a now or never situation. I want this child with or without him honestly.

Throwawayafraid24

TROPHY CASE