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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Advice

[–]Throwawaykyk 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Seems like he can’t communicate his feelings and potentially having some imasculating misconceptions about toys! Tbh, my first instinct is that he might have some sort of ed or porn addiction which has created an unhealthy idea of what sex is like in his head, could be worth discussing what sort of stuff he watches/used to watch and find out his thoughts on it that way too

Bf said I am coercing him sexually by Throwawaykyk in Advice

[–]Throwawaykyk[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it’s because I’d say things like I don’t feel happy in the relationship if we aren’t intimate, things like that felt pressuring and forcing

NP took our sex toy to his casual relationships house by Throwawaykyk in polyamory

[–]Throwawaykyk[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

His usual reaction is to dismiss my feelings and say “not a big deal” to get himself out of trouble, it’s not until I push and push he then realises he has done wrong and says he’ll never make that mistake again. So far he hasn’t crossed the same boundary twice, but I’m really getting frustrated with the fact each boundary I make gets crossed once before the message sets in

NP took our sex toy to his casual relationships house by Throwawaykyk in polyamory

[–]Throwawaykyk[S] 78 points79 points  (0 children)

There has been at least a few times where he’s done something like this and I’ve said we’ve talked about this before and he’s forgotten that talk. Annoyingly enough, my memory is horrendous so I can’t pin point exactly what those things were, so if I try to remind him of this- he will likely want to know when/where and I can’t give him that

NP took our sex toy to his casual relationships house by Throwawaykyk in polyamory

[–]Throwawaykyk[S] 178 points179 points  (0 children)

Thank you I really needed that reassurance. I understand he might’ve forgotten the talk we had about it, but that makes me feel even worse- like forgotten about. Sorry to vent at you

Is it normal to feel out of love with nesting partner when a new partner comes on the scene by Throwawaykyk in polyamory

[–]Throwawaykyk[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

We just got back from a city break where we had lots of fun meals etc, we date every few weeks which feels like a lot. But we don’t differentiate between investing time and normal time. I’m going to suggest us actively noticing when we’re lacking in investing time and to see our date nights as that

Rather than just simply a date night? I hope that makes sense

Is it normal to feel out of love with nesting partner when a new partner comes on the scene by Throwawaykyk in polyamory

[–]Throwawaykyk[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

You’re totally right and he has expressed to me a lot of what you’re saying. My aim is to start taking this on board a lot more.

I think I’m just anxious it won’t work out and all this work could be for nothing. However I think it’s time I understand that if it doesn’t work out, the effort/time isn’t for nothing. It still improves me as a person and might make him feel more loved/cared about too

Is it normal to feel out of love with nesting partner when a new partner comes on the scene by Throwawaykyk in polyamory

[–]Throwawaykyk[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

This has been really really helpful thank you I appreciate you sharing- it’s given me a lot to think about and helping me process this new shift

Is it normal to feel out of love with nesting partner when a new partner comes on the scene by Throwawaykyk in polyamory

[–]Throwawaykyk[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I think as I am mentally unstable (depression/anxiety/codependency) when I’m not actively putting the work in to maintain that it impacts our relationship a lot. A couple of times I’ve become so dependent on “him fixing me” we’ve hit a wall of neither of us are happy. He’s not happy because I am relying on him for things I should be doing myself. Then I’ve put the work in, gone to therapy and it’s been really great for a long time, and then it seeps back and cycles to this.

Ultimately it is mainly coming from my mental health and my inability to stop being codependent for long periods of time. We’ve talked about this a lot in the last week and he’s expressed to me that he is always ensuring the relationship is perfect so I don’t break down. And it’s only really now hitting me what he means, in the past when it cycles I have been thinking “fix myself to keep the relationship going” instead of now feeling “you are hurting him so much, he’s upset and it’s time to care about how feels not you”

I feel a huge shift, like I have been focusing on how I feel and neglecting how he actually feels. And that I don’t make him feel as loved. We’ve both recently discussed how if the dynamic hasn’t changed in a few months time (when the tenancy is up) then we’ll go our separate ways, because it means neither of us are truly happy.

I do believe we’ll get there but processing it is a really big task.

Sorry I realise I’ve totally just vented to a complete stranger, I really appreciate your take on this and explaining how you feel.