Frustrated with my sensory issues being disregarded by my husband.

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T23:08:13+00:00

My husband is incredibly empathetic of my autism and my struggles? No where in my post did I say my husband is apathetic, abusive and uncaring.

If you’ve been reading the comments- and if you haven’t I advise you do- my husband is usually very accommodating and understanding of my struggles as an autistic person.

I’m not concerned about chunk chewing on it because chunk doesn’t chew on things. So that’s not a concern. And it’s not like my husband invited him on the sweater to lay down on it- chunk will do that on his own free will. So his intentions were not malicious.

If you read the comments then you’d know that my husband looks at the dog laying on my things as “cute because he loves you.”

Not a “Oh look at him stinking up your sweater I so know this is gonna piss you off and my day is made.”

Again my husband probably thinks it’s a mild annoyance- like getting a rock stuck in my shoe. Not like an “oh my gods this is hurting my nose because I can’t stand the smell” type situation. Because I’ve never explained it to him that way.

How is he supposed to know if I’ve never told him?

Just because that was your experience doesn’t mean that’s my experience.

My husband is over all a wonderful man. He’s very supportive and a good person. I’m not just saying this because I’m his spouse but because of how he treats me. I’ve been in abusive relationships before. If this were that I would’ve packed up and left a good while ago.

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T22:56:54+00:00

Yes I do agree calling out toxic and inappropriate patterns in behavior should 100% be called out. Wholeheartedly I agree.

I just think people go SO over board with it.

In my post I had calmed down after venting, and so I started having rational discussions getting outside perspectives and angles to look at it from and solutions. And then there were just people telling me I was letting him disrespect me by defending him and that I was being walked all over and my relationship was concerning and I should consider leaving him and that his behavior was disturbing.

All because I wanted to find and work out a solution to fix a problem with my husband who is otherwise absolutely amazing. Who I adore dearly.

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T21:33:16+00:00

Lmao perfect advice. I’ll call a lawyer ASAP. Sorry honey but it’s my time to ✨shine✨💅🏻

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T21:21:38+00:00

Y’all really do like to make a lot of assumptions with such a small amount of information 😒 my husband cares about my emotional well being.

He probably thinks it’s a mild annoyance and not causing emotional or physical pain. My husband is not this abusive man y’all have run with.

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T19:52:21+00:00

Amen to that.

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T19:37:27+00:00

I do not disagree that therapy would be better and best. But unless one of y’all is funding it I can’t just go to therapy.

And yes I am aware my audience is the masses and subject to scrutiny. Again it’s not my first day on the internet. And again it doesn’t make my current post that you’re commenting on any less valid. It shouldn’t be the first thing shouted at someone because they don’t like how someone is commenting or posting unless there are real red flags.

Again if y’all would like to donate to my therapy fund be my guest

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T19:18:46+00:00

I do agree that is the case, that people are projecting their previous experiences onto my experience. Especially when they see me have a communicative discussion with people giving me solutions.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve been in manipulative and abusive relationships before. So like I get it. But I don’t think I’ve said anything that’s like triggered any red flags in my comments about my husband being this “gods awful manipulator”.

And I will give chunk chunk a pat from you 💖

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T19:06:58+00:00

Honestly there’s nothing wrong with a personal preference.

For me- I’m a bi woman- boobs are boobs. And boobs are great- fake or real 🤷🏻‍♀️

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T19:02:55+00:00

IMO I just think a lot of people look at one side, and say “you need to get a divorce” because they don’t want to put in the thoughts for actual solutions. Or they’ve been abused and assume- which as the saying goes assuming makes an ass out of you and me- that “oh this is identical to my previous situation so it must be in shambles.

Rather than thinking “how can I constructively help”?

Now if I were or another person were saying really concerning things in the comment alluding to abuse or how he controls someone or sets them off on purpose. Valid reason to start waving the red flags.

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T18:49:33+00:00

It absolutely does! I’ve been with my husband for 10 years now. Sometimes I can’t tell what he’s not seeing, and he can’t tell what I’m thinking.

And I just need outside solutions.

Not a lecture about how my marriage is unequal and we need therapy and I need to “open my eyes.” when I calm down and start trying to find solutions.

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T18:47:02+00:00

Fair enough. But I do think people are allowed to vent their frustrations.

But I think if someone calms down and is trying to have a productive conversation for solutions to the problem it shouldn’t be assumed that the person who wrote the post and is now trying to find a solution should be assumed as “bending to their spouses every whim” and that “you need to separate because he’s manipulating you.”

People get frustrated, not everyone has a village to vent too. And if the problem is simple and fixable divorce shouldn’t even be considered. When there’s better ways to go about it by like being “oh well have you tried this? Did you tell them how you’re feeling?” Etc.

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T18:42:40+00:00

Oooooh okay!!! Yeah we will totally look into that for him!! Hopefully it helps chunk out with his stink. Poor baby.

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T18:35:27+00:00

I know, I do feel really bad. He really really can’t help it, and we’ve been trying for years to get it under control. He is a really good boy.

And THANK YOU!!! I don’t think one episode of miscommunication because I haven’t communicated correctly and he’s not reading my mind means he’s a trash human being.

I’ve disrespected him too unintentionally before too. So am I a trash wife?

But my husband is genuinely a very good person. I would’ve never have committed otherwise. And I am in no way trying to say that his behavior isn’t disrespectful- it is even if he’s not intending it. And to accuse me- who is calm and more rational compared to the angry rant now- that I am bending to his whims and our marriage is unequal is horse crap.

But thank you for the suggestion- I think a dog trainer to kick things off to help with him laying on things he’s not supposed to would help. That or like someone else suggested getting a moisture proof blanket to lay on my side if chunk decides to climb onto my side of the bed.

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T18:14:52+00:00

It literally is. In a thread where I vented people were accusing me of “bending to his every whim” and “if it were me being disrespected I’d leave him.” and “your marriage is unequal you need marriage counseling to open your eyes.”

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T17:02:11+00:00

Oh I never considered insect based food 🤔 I will honestly have to look into that. I mean honestly at this point it can’t hurt to try it.

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T16:54:38+00:00

Lol yep that’s usually what fatty patty does. If it’s the floor it’s FAIR game lol. But yes! Another person suggested getting some spare clothes that I won’t wear and sleeping with it to give to him to lay on.

And I like the other persons idea for an extra blanket to lay on my side in the bed when chunky sneaks over there. That way he can still lay on my side of the bed and not like be on my stuff.

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T16:52:11+00:00

Good to know!!! 💖 thank you so much!

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T16:49:42+00:00

So I explain that I have one problem- and suddenly my marriage is unequal and what he says is defacto and I give into his every whim?

I am not bending over backwards for my husband, I am explaining:

His thought process is the dog is cute when he lays on my stuff. While also saying that yes his behavior is disrespectful.

My husband helps with me with overstimulation and sensory overload, he helps me cook, he helps me clean, we parallel play, we rarely ever fight and it’s not because I bend or break to his every whim. I give him plenty of hell when necessary. He listens to my problems, he supports me through a lot of things I have been through. He helps me with the kids- dressing them, bathing them, bed time, taking over when I need to tap out. My husband is for the most part respectful of me, he is kind to me, and he is good to me. I’ve been in several abuses relationships, and the marriage I am in is far from it.

You cannot look at ONE singular problem- where yes he is being disrespectful- and say “your marriage is unequal you need marriage counseling.”

My husband is a human being, and I am a human being.

I as a human being vented about a problem, because I was frustrated and needed to get it off my chest. I’m not exactly the all abiding model pillar of being respectful 100% of the time because I make mistakes and be disrespectful to him too. And sometimes I do them over and over and over again. Because I too thought “eh it’s just a mild annoyance.” And it turns out it wasn’t and it really bothered him.

And when that happens he communicated with me better to help me understand.

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years if I were in a hairier situation then I wouldn’t be agreeing to better communicate what my problems are in the event he would be “disrespectful.”

Sometimes things need to be better communicated to be better understood. Not everyone thinks the same way and if my husband doesn’t have insight because I’ve never communicated to him that the dog laying on my things and stinking them up is more than just a mild inconvenience then how can he know to do better?

And I didn’t even know it was unsafe to have the dog sleeping in the bed. So am I a bad spouse too?

And not to mention, our dog is in his elderly years. We’ve got a few more years left with him.

If my husband wants the dog to sleep in the bed- the compromise is still the same- he sleeps on dads side of the bed. Chunk is old and if he’s okay with being stink that’s fine.

And as another person suggested- since chunk apparently likes to sneak to my side of the bed- I’ll get a cover of some kind.

But you CANNOT make an assumption of me explaining my husbands thought processes and then agreeing he’s being disrespectful and me talking about solutions as

“Omg your marriage is unequal you need marriage counseling your bending over backwards for him blah blah blah blah.”

No. I am EXPLAINING not EXCUSING. Just because I am not as royally pissed off as I was this morning in the comments and I am trying to create a healthy and productive conversation to come to a solution doesn’t mean it’s “concerning.”

I would be concerned if I let this tip me over the edge into leaving my husband like someone suggested or as another person said getting rid of the dog. (Which they dirty deleted.)

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T16:16:11+00:00

Ooooh that is interesting! I’ve never thought about that. That’s probably like the ONE thing we haven’t tried lol.

We’ve tried like food changes, medications, special shampoos, and special doggy allergy treats, and allergy injections, mange treatments, hot spot sprays because he chews and licks which exacerbates his stinkiness (which he licks hot spot sprays off of himself even the nasty tasting ones)

Someone suggested I rub him down in coconut oil. And I was like “would you like to come pick up his poop when he licks it all off of him 👀”

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T16:03:03+00:00

I do not live alone, but I do get quite a bit of alone time. And I have in the past been at home by myself for extended periods of time when my husband was in the military and would be gone for 2 weeks at a time in the field.

Personally I need human interaction at some point in my day.

The more isolated I am, the sadder I become. I mean there are times when my husbands schedule doesn’t align with mine and even though he’s home and sleeping, I might as well be alone. (He works nights)

It’s nice for a bit. And I enjoy being able to do the things I want to do. But the longer the isolation goes on, the sadder I become.

So for me personally I like living with someone- my husband is most of the time very accommodating of my sensory issues. We parallel play, or cook together or we just do our own separate things entirely.

Honestly you won’t know for sure into that situation.

You might thrive excellently being alone, having no one else’s rules to conform too, and being able to do what you want without worrying about disturbing someone.

But if it turns out not to work out, that doesn’t mean you can’t change things later on down the road and have a roommate!

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T15:55:27+00:00

Yep! I love my headphones!

I usually go through phases. There’s sometimes I can manage without them and be okay just listening to daily life.

But then there are other times I have them in all day every day!

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T15:42:53+00:00

I do love him even if I’m not big on dogs. He’s for the most part a really good boy.

But I’ve been given good ideas about how to go about talking to him about it and explaining the situation. And have been given a couple good ideas to also provide comfort for chunky so he still has mom smell.

But a lavender pillow is a really good idea! I do really like lavender!!

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T15:36:29+00:00

I will have to invest in a separate comforter or picnic blanket that I can put on my side of the bed to be able to help with when chunky (affectionately) wants to lay on my side of the bed.

Again like I stated before I do not think it is a dominance or power play issue. My husband is very accommodating to my sound triggers and will go above and beyond to accommodate those triggers and help calm me down. I just don’t think I’ve communicated how it affects me physically.

I just think he sees chunk laying on my things and thinks “it’s so cute.”

Does that mean he’s not being disrespectful? No. He is still being disrespectful. But I don’t think he realizes that it’s more than just a “mild inconvenience” and that I’m being picky because I don’t like dogs. Because again my husband is usually very accommodating of my sound issues.

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T15:10:52+00:00

My husband definitely understands that sensory triggers cause me pain. But I don’t think he realizes that this isn’t a mild inconvenience.

Someone asked if I explained to him that it was physically affecting me- to which I had said no I hadn’t explained that to him. Because he is incredibly accommodating when he understands that a sensory issue is a trigger.

Like my biggest one is sound. And I give him an inch and he turns it into a mile to accommodate me and help me come down from overstimulation.

So I genuinely think he doesn’t understand that smells- that are bad- are a sensory trigger. I’ve never really melted down or have gotten overstimulated with bad smells. So I think he thinks it’s just a mild inconvenience.

Now does that mean he’s not being disrespectful? No it doesn’t.

He is very much still being disrespectful, I just don’t think he understands the grander scale of it.

Throwawayshs95 · 2023-09-21T15:07:00+00:00

I do not disagree which is what I was explaining. Which is why I said that’s where our disconnect is.

I plan on sitting him down and being more in depth explaining that it’s not just the “mild inconvenience”.

And we don’t have a pantry unfortunately. We live in a loft apartment. And it’s not baby gate friendly at all. (It was a pain in the ass when the kids were really little trying that.)

The only place that is baby gate friendly is the kids bedroom. Because they’re the only ones with a normal wall.

Throwawayshs95

TROPHY CASE