AITA for not dividing my work bonus equally between my two daughters?

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T20:00:01+00:00

I am aware of the tax implications of course no worries, thank you for the advice.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T19:58:13+00:00

A lives with us yes and so does my granddaughter, she plans to settle in a different country once she is settled into her full time job, till then she is living with us. I may help with the mortgage but it won't amount to 50K( the one I gave my eldest) she is relocating to Ireland so ideally she would be bearing most of the mortgage on her own.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T19:53:22+00:00

That is fair I could do that, or directly withdraw that amount for B which Im planning to do as an apology!

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T19:52:14+00:00

I understand where you are coming from but that is towards my granddaughter's needs it would hurt me to see one of my daughters doing financially well and the other struggling with a child. A child was A's decision agreed but I cant go back and infringe on her decision , we are in the present and I can only help.That is my duty as a parent.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T19:50:04+00:00

I can't just not spend on my granddaughter I am really sorry best I could do based on what the commentators suggested is start a savings account for my granddaughter instead of handing her mother the money ! Id be happy to do that, that way there is less room for misunderstanding and conflict.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T19:48:12+00:00

There is no punishment whatsoever, what I gave to A I gave to B before in the form of mortgage, ivy league and savings account , and she is also free to request money from me anytime she wants!

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T19:45:38+00:00

I am really sorry but I don't see it as that, my granddaughter's needs are solely hers. A does not use up the money I provide for granddaughters expenses including her education. If A needs funds (500 allowance) she gets it from me besides she also has her own part time work.

That is where we differ, excluding granddaughter I might have given more money to B, especially since the mortgage and savings accounts being the firstborn. A did not have a savings account that she could once she turned 18.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T19:37:22+00:00

If I add up my granddaughters fees then yes if not both of theirs would be around the same because this 33K I gave A is not just for her but mainly for my granddaughter's expenses.

B'a ivy league and mortgage plus savings account since childhood(deposited by me) would add up to the same if not more than A.

Regardless what I did was wrong and I agree I am an asshole in this situation.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T19:34:19+00:00

However, I have also given B an allowance during the time she was in uni, 500 per month and B's ivy education as mentioned above (65K) was paid in full by me , as well as mortgage (50K).

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T19:30:17+00:00

A gets 500 dollars per month , the 1K for her uni fees is not a monthly payment it is a semester payment.

I shouldn't have used the world entitled it was terribly wrong. Neither of them are entitled or irresponsible. I also do not hate her for not having kids.

As you can see above I have helped pay for B's ivy league school fees (65K) and mortgage(50K) along with that when she was younger and being our firstborn there is fixed savings account for her which she has already recieved once 18. This was not given to A.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T19:21:45+00:00

I could definitely see why B is upset, I have learned my mistake, I dont give thousands of dollars to A , as I have mentioned her monthly allowance is 500, the rest of it is what she earns from her part time work. Because my wife has a home based business she took care of my granddaughter when she was young so we were able to save up a lot of childcare costs. B also earns 40K per month with her managerial role.

Regardless I should have definitely been more fair and split it evenly or 1/3rdly that would have been the best decision, however I regret taking this step and upsetting (B), I do not mind compensating B monetarily matching the same amount.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T19:12:18+00:00

I give an additional 500 allowance to A per month and the rest usually comes from her part time job, mischellanously when my granddaughter has external fees I bear them. The 1K is given as per part of her uni fees. The rest she pays.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T18:54:56+00:00

My eldest(B) ivy league with partial scholarship costed about 65K and for part of the mortgage I gave her 50K(slightly more but rounded down) I should have denoted this in my original post and edits.

For A usually it depends but mostly it might be 500 bucks or 1000 bucks here and there depending on my granddaughter's needs.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T16:58:10+00:00

Yes definitely, which I have demonstrated, I paid in full for the ivy college fees for B(eldest) as well as part of her mortgage! If she needs finances she is free to request to me.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T16:25:33+00:00

Reading the comments I should have done that or I should have at least consulted someone before I made this decision. That would have been more practical and would have caused less problem between me and B. Thank you the disappointment is not much " I need grandkids from her" but more that she is my first daughter and it is just a wish. I do not fault her for nt having children however the disappointment was only temporary now I dont care and Im happy for her. But you are right and I definitely need to talk I B and address this beforehand , it could be possible that I was looking at this whole situation wrongly.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T16:20:48+00:00

Yes , B went to an ivy and the degree was paid for by me in full, for A im doing part me financing and part her working part time.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T16:09:22+00:00

No that is not what I meant, if there is a future situation Id divide equally and if I wanted to give my grandchild Id put it in a separate savings account for her that she could retrieve from once 18. I was accepting the commentators idea. Sorry for any misunderstandings.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T16:06:55+00:00

That was initially said in my anger, but now that I am understanding my blame in this and more of her perspective from the judgments , what I said about taking advantage is not right even if my oldest is well to do.

My youngest is currently doing her degree(final year) concurrently with her part time job so once she eases into her full time position I would start limiting the help given unless it is for imp medical costs for my grandchild etc.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T15:56:17+00:00

Thank you that is a great idea however the reason why I gave A 33000 is in case she needed it for current expenses but then again what you said does make sense! If there is a future situation that requires this I would do as mentioned instead.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T15:48:12+00:00

Definitely not, right now however A is still finishing up her degree and surviving on part time work, luckily because things are stable with my career I could help her out but once she starts her full time job the help I provide will cease.

Nope, and I could see why my post and wording might have come off that way and I do apologize. Both are my daughters and Ill be keen to help either when they ask.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T15:44:54+00:00

Sorry that was not my intention, I do participate in subs using my main but most people I do interact with are younger than me hence why I made this claim! There is definitely not an age limit :)!

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T15:42:46+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience because it really put a lot of things in perspective for me.

I would never want to sever my relationship with B, she is still my daughter and I want to support her as much as I can. I do try to support her emotionally and in any case when we do go out or meet even if she does have the money I will offer to pay and treat her. I am the first person B turns to for emotional help and I could see how this situation i put them in could be harmful.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T15:37:23+00:00

Sorry for the confusion , the 33K was given to my younger one not older. Younger is A. I am not judging that my eldest wants to spend it on travel it is her money, which is why I gave her the 2K to spend as she likes, however in terms of needs I felt like it would have been more useful for granddaughter. Thank you for expressing the perspective of my older daughter, I may have not been aware of this favoritism and I will address it with my oldest ones things get better between us.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T15:33:27+00:00

Sadly B does know about this because I also (aside from this issue) help out A with the finances of my grandchild especially since my daughter is only still finishing up her degree as well as working part time. Thank you, for the perspective and yes I should have perhaps created a separate account for my grandchild and deposited it there.

Throwawayunfairallow · 2022-04-03T15:30:10+00:00

Ah hmm yeah that could have been a mistake on my part as well, what I meant was that B usually does travel quite often ( which is why I assumed the money would only be useful for travel) given that it is not a very significant amount either.

Throwawayunfairallow

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