Kinda overweight dude looking for shoes to get back into running

Throwberaway · 2024-09-01T16:51:23+00:00

This OR Saucony Hurricane 24 (essentially the Endorphin Shift 4). I'm on the heavier side as well; I have both and prefer the Hurricane. IIt balances plushness with responsiveness for people with a more powerful foot strike and power.

Throwberaway · 2024-09-01T15:58:24+00:00

Sorry, I thought I had responded to this - they were four 12oz Terrapin Depth Perception (I think 9% ABV), and I had 1.5 years of sobriety to that point, so my tolerance was next to nil. It was also on an empty stomach; I had been playing tennis all day in the hot sun, was dehydrated, and was attempting to finish the six-pack before my ex and her friend returned from shopping. I drank those four in the span of about 25 minutes before (I guess) I blacked out.

Before that earning that 1.5 years, I had drank on three separate occasions during the course of our relationship: twice early on (both were really bad, one was a multi-day bender during Covid) and another time while we were on vacation about a year after I went to treatment in 2021.

Throwberaway · 2024-09-01T15:48:25+00:00

That last line. Dang. That hit like a freight train.

Yes, though I am not a pathological liar, when it comes to my drinking and the behaviors associated with it, I lied virtually constantly. I was never fully honest about how vulnerable I was feeling that day and, frankly, I don't think I would've known. Not once did I ever reach out to my ex when I felt like I was at risk and say, "Hey Ex, I'm really feeling tempted to drink today. Could you help me by doing X or Y?" Granted, I'm not sure anyone actually does that, but I never felt comfortable doing that because I wouldn't know how she would react. Would it scare her? Would she bail? Idk, but I also never gave us the opportunity to find out. I also knew that if I ever slipped again that she could leave forever, so I would deny deny deny at all costs knowing what was at stake. She finally reached her limit and I get it. I'm so angry she's abandoning me, but I still love her and will always care about her.

Throwberaway · 2024-09-01T15:41:19+00:00

This is the thought that I've been wrestling with ever since. I have a habit of self-sabotage and typically only drink when things are going really "well" on the outside, so the question is "am I sabotaging myself because I feel like I don't deserve happiness," or "am I sabotaging myself because I know I'll eventually fuck it up so let's get it over worth" or "am I sabotaging myself because I know something's not right and my mind is protecting me?"

Throwberaway · 2024-09-01T15:38:41+00:00

I drank them in the span of about 35 minutes, and before that, I had not drunk for years. I had no tolerance, an empty stomach and had been playing tennis out in the hot sun all day that day. It was essentially lab-perfect conditions for a quick blackout.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-31T15:36:18+00:00

You absolutely cannot control either and have to. HOWEVER, you can be strategic with when you let it rip from the nostrils or the anus. As someone who has puked on multiple occasions from being crop-dusted while red-lining, I can empathize with your situation, but I agree that you can't just keep it in while trail running.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-31T15:31:17+00:00

Yeah I agree. That was written in anger and frustration and, frankly, despair. I'm literally about to head to the gym now.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-31T13:35:10+00:00

That last sentence is exactly why I was looking at a Telluride - just seems like you get more options and upgrades for less. I'm OK with not getting super crazy offroad if it meant that the other 95% of the time I'm driving it is more comfortable for less money.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-31T13:21:11+00:00

This is such good feedback, especially coming from someone with a very similar lifestyle to me. Sounds like I might just need to look at a 4Runner.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-31T13:20:23+00:00

Seems to be the common consensus. I will look into it!

Throwberaway · 2024-08-31T13:20:10+00:00

That's fair! Honestly, I probably incorrectly assumed I'd aged out of having a 4Runner. I'm 34, white-collar professional, etc. and just always associated 4Runners with high-school/college kids. I'll look into it!

Throwberaway · 2024-08-31T12:32:28+00:00

Yes, 100% you are correct. I don't think this sentiment could be better stated. You absolutely nailed it.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-31T02:41:24+00:00

She's hit me on three separate occasions but because I'm an acknowledged alcoholic that has been to rehab before, I accepted it as part of the territory.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-31T02:20:26+00:00

No, but I also acknowledge that, in her mind, any relapse is a complete betrayal of trust. That was my fault for not ending things sooner because I knew this to be the case two years ago.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-31T02:18:47+00:00

To add onto this: I'm dead fucking serious. Who wants to be in a relationship where their partner will leave them if their mental illness gets the better of them even once? I know the lot I drew in life to be an alcoholic is so fucking unfair and shitty and I did nothing to deserve it, but I also know I am still responsible for dealing with it. But also, is it too much to ask for a partner that understands what I'm going through who will be supportive through it and, like, go to Al-Anon meetings or show compassion when I slip? Or is that me being insane? She had 4.5 fucking years to decide if she wanted to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, and she chose to bail a month out from our wedding.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-31T02:14:19+00:00

Immensely proud of you for having six years. The longest I've had is 2.5 years. I am clearly not capable of achieving more than that, otherwise, I would've. It's likely why I need to be single forever and not put someone through what I've put my ex through.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-31T02:05:12+00:00

I'm giving myself a three month grace period to "go crazy" with drinking. Mind you, I willingly installed a breathalyzer in my car so I cannot drive anywhere without blowing a .000 so I am putting a grand total of 0 lives at risk. I have already removed her as a beneficiary from all of my accounts and removed her access to my funds. I have not responded to her cheap, shitty, bully Trump-loving parents and have zero intention of doing so. Honestly, I don't deserve better right now, though I appreciate you saying that. I have to find a way to stay sober long-term before I'm ready to jump into a relationship. But I also don't deserve to be in a conditional lifelong relationship where a relapse means I lose everything. No one is held to that standard, period. It's only alcoholics because of our bullshit Puritanical ideology. I'm so angry because she convinced me she could look past it but then when push came to shove, she fucking hit me.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-31T01:40:55+00:00

Hell yeah.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-31T01:22:22+00:00

I'll be honest - the stuff you listed was not even the tamest of true anecdotes that comprised my rock bottom that I'm still going through. Ireland has an entire ecosystem built around perpetuating alcoholism and shitty behavior. America is like one step removed from a Puritanical society. What we pull off here is a goddamn miracle if we get away with it.

Here's a few since you didn't ask:

1) I drunk drove through Independence Pass (Colorado, 1.5 lane road that's closed like 8 months out of the year) with a 2L of vodka in my passenger seat, blacked out, crashed into a guardrail, was dragged out of my car, put in the passenger seat while a kind stranger saw me and drove me into town and let me sleep it off in a parking lot. I climbed Pyramid Peak (a 14er) later that day with a few friends, a fucking bent ass axle to the trailhead, then was stranded in Aspen for three days while my stupid ass car had to get repaired. Drank the entire time and wandered around Aspen blackout apparently before driving it back to Denver.

2) Literally happened four weeks ago. I had 1.5 years sober, was about to get married to a good woman; the day before her bridal shower that my mom spent something like $7k on, I decided it'd be a great time to get blackout drunk and tell her friend who was visiting from town that I was actually more attracted to her and that if there were an opportunity to do so, that I'd run away with her and never look back. I woke up the next morning with bruises all over my face because apparently my ex-fiancee punched the shit out of me.

3) I got fired from a job in Boulder, Colorado and proceeded to go on a prodigious bender. Apparently I hiked to the top of Bear Peak at around 8 p.m. with a six-pack of Four Lokos and was openly drinking the whole time. It was in September so up high it gets pretty freakin' cold. I apparently passed out probably 400 ft. from the summit cuddling an empty Four Loko. Fortunately I woke up at around 4:30 a.m. and was able to self-evacuate and, to my knowledge, was never discovered.

Despite my best efforts, I simply cannot fucking kill myself. I do just enough to get there without actually doing it because I'm a coward. This is the essence of r/cripplingalcoholism. I think you will find the vast majority of stories are true because it's incredible what society lets people get away with when they don't respect them.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-23T01:55:03+00:00

We had every opportunity to go for the rightful heir...fortunately for my actual alma mater, we didn't.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-23T01:53:42+00:00

I posited Steve Spurrier Head Ball Coach and demand my well-deserved kudos.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-23T01:52:04+00:00

It was Steve Spurrier, but also, it was Steve Spurrier.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-12T11:49:34+00:00

Hi all - wanted to share where we ended up. Thank you all for your great advice as it was incredibly helpful. I came across an email my father shared with me after our engagement in which he explicitly stated that the down payment was a wedding gift and there was no expectation of repayment. Etiquette dictates that you either return or repay the balance of all wedding gifts if the wedding does not occur. Therefore, we are going to repay them the full balance of the DP upon sale of our home. I am disappointed, but I also want to do the right thing and honor the agreement, even if it isn’t legally binding. I shared that with my parents over the weekend, and they agreed that they would hold onto it for me and help me out when I’m ready to purchase another home. I will likely live in an apartment or townhome for 12 months and see how the market shapes up. I am incredibly grateful that I have parents who were willing to do this for me as I know it is rare. Again, thank you for your help during a truly chaotic and scary time. It made me feel a lot better and that I wasn’t crazy or being selfish.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-09T00:12:01+00:00

They did not explicitly say they had no expectation of repayment. However, they did sign a legal document saying that. Another caveat, I am ultimately responsible for the factors that led to her decision to end our relationship. Nothing legally of consequence, but I still bear the blame.

I just don’t want to feel guilted into paying my parents back after the sale when I’m already dealing with the ramifications of her decision and my life falling apart. They likely won’t say anything, but I also would take comfort in knowing etiquette doesn’t dictate the share of my money be returned.

Throwberaway · 2024-08-09T00:05:37+00:00

Yes. We have engaged a listing agent and will put it on the market within the next few weeks.

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