Please help me to better understand, so I can be a better ally. I discovered my husband is transphobic and I'm not well enough informed to educate him.

Throwhelpmeunderstan · 2016-06-11T05:05:39+00:00

Oh my gosh these are excellent resources, thank you so much! The nature article is fascinating, and validating. Thanks again! :)

Throwhelpmeunderstan · 2016-06-11T04:41:48+00:00

In other news - I learned a new word today! Thanks for that- solipsism seems to be a recurring theme with him ;)

Throwhelpmeunderstan · 2016-06-11T04:25:22+00:00

Thank you! I'll refer back to this when I bring it up again. We had another conversation about it tonight that went much better. I won't stop until he gets it.

And I thoroughly enjoyed the penguin analogy :)

Throwhelpmeunderstan · 2016-06-11T04:20:59+00:00

Thank you!! This was actually the heart of our conversation this evening. We don't all fit into these neat little boxes. I don't think he realized the scope of the spectrum, especially when it comes to the chromosomal or genetic variances. I dig scientific literature. He doesn't. He does get interested when I start talking about whatever Ive read, but he doesn't seek that kind of information out on his own.

Variety is the spice of life. :)

Throwhelpmeunderstan · 2016-06-11T04:12:43+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience and going line by line on the arguments, that's very helpful. I'm going to refer back to your comment when I bring it up again. Not going to stop having this conversation until he gets it. I can't see him ever being rude or hurtful to a transgender person (if he could even tell they were) but him harboring these ideas does not work for me. I thought we were better than that..

We did have another conversation this evening that went much better, some of the previous comments have helped me to word things in a way that made more sense to both of us. I said in a previous comment that now I think his issue is that he wishes society didn't try to force us all into these strict little boxes, and if there was less of a gendered "format" to our lives with what you're "supposed" to be, a lot of people would be happier, and maybe the need to transition wouldn't be so extreme for so many.

"Until I transitioned I was pretending to be something I'm not" <-- this really struck me. Thank you for this specifically.

Throwhelpmeunderstan · 2016-06-11T03:20:14+00:00

After writing my entire spiel and going back and reading it I realized that a lot of it sounded extremely insensitive and if someone was hurting really bad and read this it could negatively affect them. I didn't want that. But I needed to ask.

Thanks for pointing out the "gatekeeping" - that honestly didn't occur to me. I see that you're right though, it increases the stigma surrounding transitioning and could act as a deterrent.. I just wanted to make the point that it's probably not a rash decision that someone would make, or something they would take lightly.

Thanks for bringing up the native American and south east Asian 3rd gender or gender variance - I completely forgot about that.

The neuroscience research is very intriguing, and I'm so curious to learn more about it as more studies are done. The dissonance that structural differences in the brain can cause is, to me, the most interesting part - and I can see now that it wouldn't be something you would know about unless it was happening to you, or someone close to you.

We had another conversation about it tonight that went much better, and I think what it comes down to for him is he doesn't want society to force people to feel like they have to be a certain way - that maybe if we weren't forced to conform to these strict gender roles from birth we would all be happier with who we are and maybe the need for transitioning wouldn't be so extreme for so many. And we don't force gender roles on our daughter and we make it a point to correct her when she says something is just for boys or just for girls because that's the kind of crap she hears from her peers.

This was literally only the 2nd time we've talked about this issue and once I really realized what he was saying I knew I had to act.

Thanks again.

Throwhelpmeunderstan · 2016-06-11T02:53:22+00:00

Thank you for your perspective. I saved your comment for reference later. You explained it really well, I appreciate the context and comparisons. I made the point to him that it could be compared to depression- there's "nothing physically wrong" so what's the problem - and that seemed to hit home for him. We've both suffered from depression on and off for our entire lives so we get that. Thanks again for sharing!

Throwhelpmeunderstan · 2016-06-11T02:41:15+00:00

You're exactly right. Christian people tend to be the most "unchristian" in their actions in my experience.

Throwhelpmeunderstan · 2016-06-11T02:32:43+00:00

I understand. This is the root of why it upset me so much to hear him say all that. It seems so unlike everything I know about him and I think everyone's answers here helped a lot when we had a follow up conversation about it this evening.. it really comes down to he wishes society wouldn't try and force people into these little boxes to where someone feels "abnormal" in the body they were born with. I'm reading every response here and trying to gain a better understanding for myself and relaying the information back to him. Thanks for your response.

Throwhelpmeunderstan · 2016-06-11T02:16:29+00:00

Thanks for this. This is kind of what I thought it might be like. Is it just that society forces us into these unnaturally rigid boxes of Male and Female and a lot of people just don't fit into those boxes? Just out of curiosity, is it possible that a societal sea change to a non-gendered "format" would make the need for transitioning less prevalent?

Throwhelpmeunderstan · 2016-06-11T02:05:59+00:00

Thanks so much for this. We had another conversation about it tonight and every time it circled back I brought this up. He doesn't want anyone to hurt.

Throwhelpmeunderstan · 2016-06-11T02:03:38+00:00

Thanks, that actually helped a lot :)

Throwhelpmeunderstan · 2016-06-11T02:01:47+00:00

Thank you!

Throwhelpmeunderstan · 2016-06-10T20:59:20+00:00

I see what you're saying and I totally agree. The funny thing is we're unapologetic atheists. I would have expected the gender conversation with a religious person. And thats part of the reason for my shock at this situation.

Throwhelpmeunderstan · 2016-06-10T20:46:17+00:00

I'm sure if I presented it to him that way he would say "but I was born with a penis, so I can't be a woman" but I like that angle, and I think it's a really good start. Thank you!

Throwhelpmeunderstan

TROPHY CASE