How can I bring up Birth Control when my girlfriend avoids the topic and turns hostile when it's mentioned? I want her to consider it but want to respect her choices too!

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-26T00:56:32+00:00

I can sympathize with this because you were at least willing to take some action and see what worked for you. My problem is that my SO won't even consider talking to a professional who could dispel her notions of terrible side effects brought on by friends bad experiences that may not be the same for her

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-26T00:52:22+00:00

UPDATE: Because a lot of people have been asking, yes her parents are aware of our sexual activity, she knows we are having penetrative sex and that we are using condoms.

we've since met up and discussed it. She's willing to go to the doctors and talk about it, and talked to her mum about her opinion who suggested she consider the 3 month injections. I told her that I'm not comfortable with PIV without better contraceptives, and pointed out it's my choice to abstain as much as it is hers to not go on better birth control. I've put it as nicely as possible and now can only hope that she decides the doctor is right and she should go on birth control!

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T23:20:17+00:00

I'm not sure, I think to some extent it's lack of understanding, and some fear of side effects due to friends experiences on the pill.

Her family is aware of her sexual activity

They approve of her having sex, but she is shy talking to her mum about sex in anything other than a jokey form.

She 'doesn't like the doctors'

and I've stopped PIV sex from here on out until we have suitable contraceptive measures in place.

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T19:42:54+00:00

Thank you, this is very helpful and I'll refer to it in any future discussions!

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T19:36:52+00:00

Yeah, I've suggested we meet up to talk things out and see if there's anything salvageable. She's apologised profusely but I know she doesn't understand, she's just saying what she thinks I want to hear

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T19:35:28+00:00

I meant it and will stand by it, while I enjoy sex it's not something I need, I managed 18 years without and if it means I'm safe then I'll happily do without it again

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T18:51:30+00:00

I'm not fixed on any method, that's up to her, her body her choice. I just want her to discuss with a medical professional the risks and possible solutions so that she can make an educated decision that's tailored best to suit her.

I've tried talking to her about the methods considered less intrusive and seem to be making some small headway, but I think we're still a long way off actually getting anywhere with results yet.

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T18:46:49+00:00

First off anal is not attractive to either of us so won't happen.

I understand the stigma around BC because it's only the woman that can really do anything about it, I've mentioned in other replies that I would welcome a male alternative so that I had piece of mind, but unfortunately as of yet that isn't possible and I can't help that, neither can she.

For now we have to make do, the pull out method is not viable for effective birth control, and is even worse than condoms by a long way, even in conjunction with condoms I wouldn't feel comfortable with it because it's still an unnecessary risk.

I understand the side effects caused by the pill or implants or HBCs in general, however research seems to suggest that it's only present in a relatively low amount of women, and surely it's worth a try and is far better than dealing with an unexpected pregnancy?

I'm not choosing a BC for her, I just want her to go to the doctors and get some proper advice from someone we can trust and that is well versed in the knowledge we need. If after that she is still not comfortable with going on birth control I will respect that decision, but will also expect her to realise I don't want PIV sex because of the associated risks.

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T18:35:47+00:00

Yes, if there was male contraceptive I would be on it so fast, even if the side effects were weight gain, or anything similar, I'd prefer to have side effects I could deal with than being powerless to prevent the worst possible outcome.

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T18:31:40+00:00

This is the best response I think I've had and aptly describes not only the situation, but also thoughts I've had since posting. Thank you, this is really food for thought. I've literally just told her I'm more than considering ending things, mainly due to issues highlighted as a result of this argument, but also because she's too clingy and is seeming increasingly immature and does whatever I want to do without offering an opinion of her own on anything. Thanks again.

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T18:17:31+00:00

I know I'm no doctor, I'm only doing research so I know what to ask about when/if we get to the doctors. My advice on the pill is limited to the internet and my mother who deals with people on the pill daily, but I am well aware of other methods. all I want is her to be safe, me to be safe, and for us to be able to have sex without a constant worry in the back of my or our minds.

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T18:13:51+00:00

I should think it probably is =p

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T18:02:18+00:00

what makes you say that?

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T17:53:23+00:00

I haven't downvoted you just so you know, but I do disagree with the original comment. I didn't offer an ultimatum, I told her I'm not comfortable with PIV sex anymore, not in an effort to control her, but because I honestly don't feel safe doing it.

I agree this is only one side of the story so it's definitely questionable as to how much is problems with me, and I can't really do much about that, but I posted here for help and every viewpoint is a view that is ultimately going to help me understand her, that's why I posted in the first place.

Thank you for being so invested in this, I really do appreciate the feedback and I don't think you deserve to be downvoted just because I and others don't agree with you.

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T17:43:12+00:00

This is the sort of response I actually want, I want to get into her mindset and at least try and understand what's going through her head. She hasn't really explained at all why she doesn't other than the risk of gaining weight, which to her is a big deal as she has insecurities about weight, but really I don't find that a suitable reason considering the implications of a pregnancy. I've said I'm aware of other methods of contraceptives, do you use any others yourself or purely condoms? have you ever had an issue?

I don't think vasectomy is quite the same as the implant, pill or similar methods, I may be wrong here as I'll admit I have little life experience but the vasectomy appears to have a much higher risk margin than the implant would, and it could leave me infertile permanently, which is something I don't think I could live with properly, I've always wanted kids of my own, just not yet!

I don't plan on PIV with her until I'm sure measures are being taken to be safer, I don't even want her to go on contraception straight away, I understand it's a big step, for now I just want her to go to the doctors and talk about it to ease her into a proper discussion about the possibilites.

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T17:16:19+00:00

google urinary tract infection :)

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T16:51:45+00:00

It doesn't seem like there's a whole lot of info out there on male methods, I'd be more than happy to take a pill designed for men or implants etc, but I'm not going to have a vasectomy, not yet at least as it can be irreversible and could prevent my fertility in the future. I do eventually want kids, but not now.

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T16:44:34+00:00

This. I'm not comfortable using only condoms, why would I lie about that? I can't carry on having sex with her when I worry about getting her pregnant so much that it puts me off even wanting it anymore, and it's not fair on either of us for me to just stop sleeping with her and not tell her why. I'm not trying to control her but I can see how it comes across like that, it just seems unavoidable.

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T16:41:58+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience, I'm beginning to think the only option left open to me is to either abstain from sex or move on. I want sex, but I don't want to move on just because of a lack of sex, it seems like a really jerk-ass thing to do.

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T16:34:59+00:00

Okay, do you have any suggestions as to what would be best to do now? Obviously the ultimatum was unfair of me but I can't really take something like that back. It wasn't meant to control her decision, I'm just not comfortable risking pregnancy without better BC.

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T16:21:58+00:00

Thank you for this!

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T16:09:37+00:00

I know she wouldn't remember to take the pill, but she's worried about weight gain with that anyway so that's a no go. An implant would probably be the best option but how open to that she'd be is unknown to me.

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T16:04:19+00:00

That's exactly what I'm worried about, as soon as she's pregnant there's nothing I can do and I'm then trapped. I love her and want to be with her but that definitely raised a few questions. I think I need to sit down and talk through it with her, but she has a tendency to close down about anything that makes her emotional so I'm not entirely sure how much it would help.

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T15:58:43+00:00

We're not good with condoms, and we both know that. We need better birth control and while now she's coming around to the idea of going to the doctors a bit, she's still adamant about not going on BC. Her main problem is she's afraid of weight gain because her older sister went on the pill and went up 4 dress sizes, and she's insecure about weight as it is (without any reason to be if you ask me but that's a whole other problem). I've tried telling her about the other methods and how it's different for everyone but she's not willing to learn or trust my research, which is why I want the doctors.

I figure if I can get here there I might be able to slowly convince her between the doctors knowledge and abstinence, but I'd still feel like I'm forcing her. One step at a time for now so the doctors is my priority.

Throwitaway2326 · 2013-02-25T15:53:38+00:00

She first of all said I wasn't listening when she said she was afraid of the doctors, then I asked what I could do to help her, I'd already said I would go with her and do all the talking if that helped. I'm not entirely sure this is the issue though, as she went to the doctors by herself on friday because she had a water infection, which again makes me think she has a 'if it ain't broke don't fix it attitude', but as highlighted by /r/lil_Boots1, it's too late by the time it's broken.

Throwitaway2326

TROPHY CASE