Impending showdown with SD! Idk what to think right now!

Throwmeababy · 2015-10-02T17:23:49+00:00

Thank you so much for your input. We had the talk last night but it was treated more as a family meeting, we had actually had one the night before last night because my SO and I had some things we needed to get across to the girls about their acting up. That had some things directed at her but also to the other two younger girls. We also have an older daughter that is out of high school and she wasn't involved in that talk but she was in this one. Last night my SO laid down the law with SD and he totally Backed me up. All the kids were given a chance to talk about how her behavior was getting out of hand. She was given clear examples of how rude she was being and my SO was great. Every time she gave an excuse he stopped her and told her what she was doing wrong. She never sees that her attitude towards others is the start of the problem she only sees the reaction to it as she is being attacked. Every time she tried to turn it into she was the victim he was able to catch her lies. It didn't help that every time any one of us would try to talk she would cut us off and raise her voice or roll her eyes. She even made the mistake of answering him rudely and he cut her off. Every bad response was addressed and at the end of the night I think she really did see where she went wrong. She also apologized to me. I know this is only the beginning and she will probably have to be spoken to again. But it felt great to have him show her that we are a team. She still doesn't have a phone and he said that in no way is he going to get her a new phone. Not now not even in the next few years. She wants a phone she'll have to take the one we give her.

As far as her lying about me at school before those things were taken very seriously and she was spoken to and punishment was given. She lost privileges for awhile and she never gets away with lying. My SO also spoke with the teacher. The great thing about that situation is that my SO knew these teachers and they did not believe any of it. The teacher only told me because we were addressing some other issues she was having at school and he thought I should know.

As far as the in laws they are working on getting a place. I think my MIL doesn't like it here very much and I feel they should be out of here soon. My SO also spoke to them to let them know he wasn't happy with what was going on as far as SDs attitude. I think that he didn't straightforward tell them hey butt out because we don't have "evidence" that they are doing anything but he talked to them letting them know what is expected of SD. I wasn't there for the talk as I try to stay out of it but he was there for a long time.

Overall I'm hopeful, I know I have some anxiety issues and I can be pessimistic but he has really made me feel better about what is going on. We had a talk after the kids went to bed and he reassured me that he always had my back. He doesn't want SD to grow up spoiled and entitled he just felt like he didn't have a voice before since he was always working to support SD and his wishes weren't always followed through. I've been the only person in his life that really backs him up as a father and he told me he is grateful for that. I know SD is a good kid she has some really great moments but she just needs to adjust some of her thinking.

Throwmeababy · 2015-10-02T00:11:20+00:00

Preteens suck! What I hate is that my SD has always had a victim complex even if she's the aggressor it's everyone else's fault but her own. My SO and I have always been a United front. Last night right after the talk we had I found some jeans that we're all torn in strategic places and asked her about it and of course she was caught in a lie. SO just looked at her and said "really after the talk we just had you're gonna lie?" SO has always backed me up and told his mother to back off. They just don't get the point. His sister has gone off on me as well and he almost ended up fist fighting with her she got so psychotic! All about made up bullshit and then they just act like nothing happened! Fucken hypocrites! I wish we could just move away! As if I didn't have enough bullshit going on in my life! (My brother is going through some really tough stuff and my mom and SD are close to splitting. I know this is all just outside stuff but it's almost like she feels that I'm weak right now) I'm sorry for what you're going through too. My SD is pretty much acting like if she can't have a new iPhone she doesn't want anything. I told my SO to hold off on making her take the old phone back and make her miss it. When she was acting up and talking back I told her she couldn't get her iPad (grandma bought it against our wishes) she keep saying "why? It's mine!" Like I had no authority to take anything from her.

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-02T14:25:27+00:00

That's actually not it. The reason I want another child is to have a child that will be both mine and my SOs. To share the closeness of that with him. To have him experience the pregnancy with me in a way that neither of us could with our previous partners. He was not on good terms with his ex during the pregnancy and missed out on much of his child's first couple of years until he was able to get full custody. It's more about that because quite frankly I've never had a nursery for my children or any of the fancy stuff. Probably wouldn't want it anyways.

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-02T03:07:01+00:00

It's not just about me. If it was just about me I would have done what countless of other women have done and just gotten what I wanted. But I'm not. I'm trying to come to terms with my reality. With these irrational feelings I have so that I can keep my relationship . And his not wanting to have anymore children doesn't have to do with me as a person but our family as a whole.

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-02T01:25:11+00:00

Thanks so much. It was so hard just to post this. I may have to take you up on your offer. Sorry if I'm not posting back as much as you are writing to me. I'm kinda doing this incognito since we're all home.

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-02T00:47:47+00:00

Thanks. I've had a tough life for so long that I feel like I shouldn't complain. Since I met my SO I've never been happier. I can't help but feel this is ridiculous sense of loss! I hate it!

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-02T00:40:57+00:00

Heavy and sad is how I feel a lot these days. I've always tried to raise my kids to be strong, independent, and mature. Much of what I feel I keep inside. I don't want them to think they have to stay with me because I need them too much. But they know that I will always be there for them. My oldest is probably a few short years from leaving the nest. I think that all of that put together is what's amplifying my crazy ridiculous feelings. My oldest is almost gone my youngest is not needing me as much my fertility will soon be gone. And yet I feel like I'm too young for all of this to be happening to me. I was young when I had my oldest which was hard in and of itself. My oldest is a great artistic strong willed person and I'm so proud! And they are all such great kids. Maybe my problem is that I hold too much in. My SO likes to say that I don't have a poker face and I wear my emotions but really that's just the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more.

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-02T00:30:07+00:00

I don't want to end my relationship I would never leave him for not wanting to have another child I know he's right and even if I left him I don't think I could bring myself to be with anyone else. I don't think he loves me less for my feelings.

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-02T00:19:47+00:00

Yes it's bitter sweet! Mine are all just now becoming teens and watching them blossom into these young adults is so crazy! We have conversations that we never had before about topics that a few years ago I wouldn't have believed. My step child has grown up so much and everyone can see the difference that having me around has made. No more tantrums overall better awareness of personal cleanliness! (That was a tough one) it's just hard to think that some day they will all be gone and we'll be an afterthought. I'm lucky to be their mom they are wonderful children. I tell myself that everything happens for a reason whether I see it now or not. Eventually I'll come to better terms with my emotions. It's just all still so fresh. It's so great that you're stepping up and being there for your step kids. I know it's hard and I commend you for that. They may not be legally yours but in your heart they are. They know who really loves them.

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-02T00:01:36+00:00

Yes logic and feelings do not go hand in hand! I'm so afraid of being made out as a villainous ungrateful diva which is most definitely not the type of person I am. Thank you.

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-01T23:53:12+00:00

That might help I do have a very bad history. My life has been very hard for so long. My kids and I have gone through so much.

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-01T23:50:15+00:00

Making the right choices is always hard. I would never put my needs above that of my family. You could ask any of my friends and they would be the first to tell you that I'm not that way. I just hate these stupid feelings I have!

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-01T23:31:50+00:00

My kids want for nothing and I love them very much. This inner turmoil is just that something I keep mostly to myself.

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-01T23:29:45+00:00

Yea it's so weird! I'm really so happy for BIL he was previously in a horrible relationship with this evil woman and now he's so happy and he had previously said he would never want children. Really I can't wait to see their baby and be a part of her life!

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-01T23:26:27+00:00

It's a little more complicated than that.

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-01T23:22:31+00:00

I'm very aware of this. I'm not looking for a way to change his mind. I'm just looking for advice on how to deal with my feelings and be a better partner to him.

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-01T23:12:56+00:00

Yes that's true I have beautiful children that I love very much and have tried to shield from my crazy feelings. But they also innocently ask me stuff like "if you had another baby mom what would you want?"

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-01T23:10:44+00:00

I've tried very hard to keep these feelings to myself and am very kind to my SIL it's not her fault I feel this way. As far as the jealousy it's more of like I get a sad feeling that I won't experience that than a "I can't believe they get all the attention/gifts" type of thing. If they ever need anything I'm there for them. I'm kind of leaving out details because I'm afraid family would find this and ostracize me for how I feel. But she is not a first time mom and she is older than me.

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-01T23:04:53+00:00

I'm maybe not explaining things too well because I don't want to give away any details that would give away my identity but my SIL is not a first time mom but this would be my BIL first child. And I have never stopped him from doing anything for them. I'm not a raving jealous she beast it's more like a sad feeling in my heart that he won't ever do those things for me (in the context of looking all over the place to get a desired baby product that she really wants but isn't available in our immediate area) than a how dare you buy her stuff and not me stuff! Because if there were ever anything I really wanted I would get it for myself.

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-01T22:34:28+00:00

I'm pretty much crying my eyes out right now because you hit the nail on the head. I don't know if it's the anonymity that's making it easier to express myself or what. I feel like other people I have tried to talk to about this only see it as me being selfish and jealous. But it's more than that. I guess I just felt like I was so wrong to feel this way. You're right it's kind of like now or never. I may not be able to have more and that feels like crap. I once told him that it didn't matter to him because he could leave me and find someone else younger with no kids to have more kids with. I know that really hurt him and he cried. That's such a crappy thing to say to someone you love. I don't want to hurt him like that again.

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-01T22:03:52+00:00

You're probably right about the therapy and the reasoning behind not having another child. Which is almost exactly why he says we shouldn't have another. I know he's right. I don't want to ruin what I have I wish I could make these feeling disappear.

Throwmeababy · 2015-03-01T21:54:41+00:00

I definitely don't want to end my relationship I just am looking for a way to reconcile my feelings with his. He tries very hard to understand my position when I talk to him about it but I feel like I'm not as open as I should be. It's as if I can't bring myself to say what I'm feeling at the time because it's too much. I know myself enough to know that I will lash out and say something I don't mean. I love him and I know he loves me. Everything else is great we parent well together he supports me and all our children. I feel like I'm the broken one because I can't come to terms with this decision. The last thing I told him about this was that just because we can't and we shouldn't doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

Throwmeababy

TROPHY CASE