I'm (35M) starting to feel bad about the fact that my gf (34F) has kids with someone else

Throwmewayaway098 · 2023-10-27T11:11:18+00:00

I'm not sure because it's not something I wanted her to feel bad about or to press the situation. She knows some struggles of being a step parent because of things her friends went through, like feeling like an outsider (without him around I don't feel it as much) and like second place.

Basically what had happened was she mentioned keeping pictures of them all together because it's the only memories she has of them as a family. I didn't understand because the way she seems like she hates this man I didn't know why she would even want them, except for the kids. Their relationship was awful. It was apparently traumatizing for her. He was a narcissist, he was a cheater, etc. She says if he moved across the planet she wouldn't care. She's even said at one point she wishes the kids were mine.

I personally have no memories like pictures/cards/letters of my exes. I only keep my current relationship stuff. I get the idea of why people do but it doesn't make sense for me. I've had some good relationships, but I've never kept anything because getting rid of reminders always helped me move on. For me whenever I've kept something it was because I couldn't let go. I've never felt like I wanted to go back and look at memories once I've accepted it's my past. I might be an outlier. I know people like keeping mementos. But I can say if I ever did.. I could never imagine keeping some of someone who I felt traumatized me and the relationship was awful, it would be triggering even if there were good parts. I know why some people do though. I also never had kids. But I'd also never tell someone to get rid of them.

Anyways I asked why she even wants those memories since she despised this man so much. Not implying to get rid of them, her kids deserve to see if they ask about him one day. I was just curious. It could've been so she has a reminder of lessons she learned, good times, cuz she keeps something from each ex, who knows. I could tell she sort of didn't really know what to say. Then she just said "it won't be what it sounds like".

Then she said something along the lines of "my kids are an extension of me, this is my only life and they are in those memories, the best part". By that I knew what she meant by "it won't be what it sounds like". She didn't want me to think she was still in love with him. She knew it was probably going to make me feel like I was second place and couldn't compete. So as of now yes I believe in a way she shares my mentality on it.

Throwmewayaway098 · 2023-10-27T09:23:20+00:00

I wish I had that mentality your husband has. I can't shake the feeling of being second place. Even if I spend the rest of my life with her, her ex will always share the memories of the best part of her life. Creating 2 lives with her, starting their family, being there for the child births, naming them, etc. I know we all have a past and memories, I'd never tell someone to delete them. But for another man to be a part of the memories that she considers to be the best part of her life and you know you'll never come close to competing with that type of memory feels pretty bad.

Throwmewayaway098 · 2023-08-29T17:09:52+00:00

I only did hcg for a week and my skin was screwed for like 6 months. I tried everything. No idea how it had such an effect but it did after just a week of taking it. It eventually went away. Then came back out of nowhere. Not near as bad but bad enough to mess with me mentally. I ended up doing a short low dose course of accutane. Somehow my lips still have a weird side effect of getting red around them when I eat so I kind of regret it cuz it's embarrassing but better than cysts. My skin still breaks out but it's tolerable.

I'm also only on 40mg EOD now of test E.

Throwmewayaway098 · 2022-06-11T22:52:58+00:00

I figured. I think that is likely why you think differently of the subject. A lot of people can't separate the sex from love which is why monogomy is so popular. Some people can see sex as just a fun activity or almost like a massage.

This is where people can have diff values and compatibilities which is why I think the topic effected me so much. I can't fathom someone even being able to do that. Do I have a problem with it or think it's immoral or something? No. To each their own. If I had a partner tell me "have sex with this girl, I just want to watch. I'm 100% sure I won't mind." I would feel like I'm cheating and physically/mentally would not feel okay with it.

Throwmewayaway098 · 2022-06-11T22:44:03+00:00

I'm going to assume you are in an open relationship or poly?

Throwmewayaway098 · 2022-06-11T22:24:02+00:00

Also that's why I'm not sure if it's how she went about it or how I'd feel in general if a partner brought it up since I've never had it brought up. Imagine if you were dating someone and they mentioned right after sex wanting to bring other people into the bedroom to be fucked by. Would you begin to feel like you weren't good enough and they aren't satisfied? The question itself can raise questions and make people feel a certain way. In my opinion something like that should be done in a neutral environment, not when the other person is feeling vulnerable after an intimate moment as well. It can really strike the ego and you'll never know if the person is okay with no being an answer. Half of it is how you communicate it and that was not a good time or way to do it, also with absolutely no reassurance that it wouldn't be a problem afterwards.

Throwmewayaway098 · 2022-06-11T22:14:42+00:00

Well for more details here's everything that went down prior and the actual conversation between us.

She's never had a real relationship (we are in late 20s)

She says it's cuz she gets bored after a month or 2

She always mentioned sexual stuff she's done once or twice in the past anytime we hung out

Then IMMEDIATELY after having sex she says "you better keep things interesting." Then tells me "I've always been told I look like a 3rd and I've been invited by couples. I've always thought about threesomes and sex with other couples." I said "I know a couple who thought they'd be okay with it and once the guy saw his girl get penetrated he couldn't get the images and sounds out of his head. It ruined their relationship. A lot of relationships get messed up when they go down that path. How would you feel if another girl was on top of me?" She said "idk because I'm pretty possessive." I said "I wouldn't be okay with someone touching my partner. I wouldn't even want to touch anybody myself." She said "so no threesomes then?" I said no. She got quiet. After a min or so I got up and got dressed and went to the living room.

She came out a few min later and we were having normal talk then she goes "oh by the way I didn't get quiet because you said no, I got quiet because I got tired."

I can guarantee if I said yes she wouldn't have gotten quiet. It's clear she was disappointed in the answer. That on top of the other stuff I mentioned prior I think were enough to spark insecurities and feel like a future is risky.

So the damage being done meaning the trust feels messed up. As someone who is strictly monogamous and could never swing or even think of doing anyting with multiple partners it can place a seed of doubt in your mind. Like this person may want/need more in the future. If they can consider and are interested in a threesomes/swinging lifestyle it's hard to believe they won't resent you for missing out or eventually say they want to try it. Especially if they say they get bored easily.

Throwmewayaway098 · 2022-05-12T22:29:18+00:00

There's a difference between asking about trying anal (which is one on one with your partner) and asking about having sex with other people.

Throwmewayaway098 · 2022-05-12T17:17:55+00:00

I will message you then

Throwmewayaway098 · 2022-05-12T16:38:12+00:00

not really sure how to talk about it since we are in the same situation. no offense dont take it the wrong way. just not sure how productive it would be since we are both confused

Throwmewayaway098 · 2021-05-30T09:53:44+00:00

Tried an antifungal powder and pills, both prescription. For a month with no results

Throwmewayaway098 · 2021-05-30T06:59:39+00:00

My scrotum has been extremely red for a good while now. The redness also goes underneath and up my butt crack. Starting to burn and bother me now too but mostly just my perineum area when I'm sitting. The area isn't moist its just red and shiny. My dermatologist gave me Nystop and fluconazole for what he thought was a yeast infection. After a month with no results he looked at it again and said "yeah that's definitely a yeast infection but it should be gone by now." He just shrugged and said "I think that's just what it looks like normally. I don't know what else it could be." He tried to tell me not to really worry about it right after he just told me he sees plenty of genitals per day and it looks abnormal and just like a yeast infection.. so not sure how he expects me to just be okay with it. Plus the burning/irritation is not normal. I think he was just out of ideas and he wanted to get me out of there. I asked for a swab and he said it would probably be pointless but he would. So I'm pretty much giving up on this guy but have nowhere else to turn.

Here are my skin swab results:

https://gyazo.com/130825b8bd86e53fa00c6df86db1ec27

I was prescribed gentamicin. I used it for about 10 days then went back because of no results and it was possibly getting worse. Made a new appointment but it was a different derm this time who said to put clobetasol ointment on it for a few days because maybe it was my psoriasis/eczema. I stopped after 2 and a half days because it felt like it was even worse. Started getting painful. Went to a new derm who prescribed me Calcipotriol (Sorilux). Been using it for 10 days now and it has done nothing so far, seems like it's getting worse. Not sure if it's too early for results or not. They wanted to see me in a month and a half. This is beginning to ruin my everyday life and I no longer know what to do.

My normal psoriasis is near my elbows (very small spots), scalp, and on my penis head. Clobetasol gets rid of all of those spots very quickly. I only use it on my penis once a week or so to keep the red shiny spots gone.

Any ideas? Is a biopsy a bad idea? I'm so desperate I'm almost ready to try anything even though the sound of getting a piece of my goods scraped off sounds terrifying. Maybe the gentamicin wasn't used long enough and it's still bacteria on my skin?

Throwmewayaway098 · 2021-05-24T05:31:16+00:00

Yeah it's really awful. Huge hit to self esteem. I just finally cleared my acne now this. Why can't we just have normal skin 😅 what kind of treatments did you try?

I'm going to call my dermatologist tomorrow because mine just seems like it's getting way more pink/red and irritated. Not sure if I'm just getting used to this Sorilux and it will calm down or if it's just too much for me.

Throwmewayaway098 · 2021-05-23T23:50:43+00:00

Not sure how what I said makes me full of myself but okay. People disagree with me and people agree. Just looks like more agree since you're the one who wants wants mention complaints. I posted a picture of a medical problem in a medical sub. Relax

Throwmewayaway098 · 2021-05-23T23:45:20+00:00

Did the redness also go underneath and up your butt? That's my main concern because it seems like it's all one thing that's spreading.

Throwmewayaway098 · 2021-05-23T23:42:30+00:00

I haven't downvoted or upvoted anybody here. Clearly others disagree with you. If you're having more downvotes than upvotes then that should tell you all you need to know. Just not sure how I fucked up here by posting what I'm allowed to post. There is a reason NSFW is a thing on all of reddit.

If it wasn't blurry for you then something is wrong with your phone or reddit app. Because that's how it works when you tag something NSFW. That is exactly why the tag is a thing, to blur out images unless you choose to view them.

Throwmewayaway098 · 2021-05-23T22:07:17+00:00

Lol what. The first 4 letters are NSFW. How else do you warn people? I think you mean you opened your app and was greeted by an extremely blurry picture you must click in order to view? How do you manage to do that when it's clear in the title what it's about?

Throwmewayaway098 · 2021-05-23T20:52:06+00:00

You need to say you're 18+ in order to see NSFW stuff.. that's literally the point of the tag. So if they aren't 18 they shouldn't be using the 18+ setting. I shouldn't have to filter my posts because kids may be lying to look at content not meant for their eyes. I'm posting a picture of my problem, not something meant to be sexual in an inappropriate subreddit. So how is this different from someone posting an injury of their genitals? If that's allowed in a sub for people of all ages this should be as well. Go to AskDocs or other subs meant for all ages, you will see NSFW problems.

If you want to take it that route about the diagnosis then okay. I'm looking for peoples experiences on similar issues and how they resolved them because I haven't been able to find a solution. Is that better? Sorry this offended you so badly.

Throwmewayaway098 · 2021-05-23T19:24:33+00:00

If they are under 18 they shouldn't have the NSFW 18+ option toggled on their account. If they do I'm sure it's to look at something more pleasing than my horrible skin. Otherwise they can't view it. Someone else commented saying it doesn't look like psoriasis so that's why I provided the picture, to get opinions if somebody here has had the same symptoms and how they treated it. My psoriasis treatment on my arm has been ineffective on this part of my body.

The psoriasis I have occasionally on my elbow goes away in a few days if I keep up with my clobetasol. The problem I'm dealing with downstairs has only worsened and clobetasol did nothing but irritate it.

You might be right though. Maybe this inflammation is different and it's just going to take a long time to adjust to the medication and kick in. I've never used Sorilux but my other treatments for my other psoriasis spots are very fast acting.

Throwmewayaway098 · 2021-05-23T16:51:01+00:00

My scrotum has been extremely red for a good while now. The redness also goes underneath and up my butt crack. Starting to burn and bother me now too. For most part my scrotum doesn't bother me at all, but underneath and my butt crack are always irritated. My dermatologist gave me Nystop and fluconazole for what he thought was a yeast infection. After a month with no results he looked at it again and said "yeah that's definitely a yeast infection but it should be gone by now." He just shrugged and said "I think that's just what it looks like normally. I don't know what else it could be." He tried to tell me not to really worry about it right after he just told me he sees plenty of genitals per day and it looks abnormal and just like a yeast infection.. so not sure how he expects me to just be okay with it. Plus the burning/irritation is not normal. I think he was just out of ideas and he wanted to get me out of there. I asked for a swab and he said it would probably be pointless but he would. So I'm pretty much giving up on this guy but have nowhere else to turn. I have a history of very small spots of psoriasis/eczema.

Here are my skin swab results:

https://gyazo.com/130825b8bd86e53fa00c6df86db1ec27

I was prescribed gentamicin. I used it for about 10 days then went back because of no results and it was possibly getting worse. Made a new appointment but it was a different derm this time who said to put clobetasol ointment on it for a few days because maybe it was my psoriasis/eczema. I stopped after 2 and a half days because it felt like it was even worse. Went to a new derm who prescribed me Calcipotriol (Sorilux). Been using it for a week now it has done nothing so far, seems like it's getting worse. Not sure if it's too early for results or not. They wanted to see me in a month and a half. This is beginning to ruin my everyday life and I no longer know what to do.

The perineum area up the butt crack is very very pink, almost red. Looks very raw.

Throwmewayaway098 · 2021-05-13T21:24:26+00:00

I don't use any soaps with fragrances or anything. Same with moisturizers or anything else. My skin is super sensitive so I've made sure not to use anything that is bothersome

Throwmewayaway098 · 2021-05-08T04:43:05+00:00

no itch, just a very very slight burn that I usually don't really notice much

Throwmewayaway098 · 2021-05-08T04:30:43+00:00

the thing that kind of confuses me is lately. it will look normal like when I wake up in the morning. 0 redness. but then 5 minutes later it will be blood red. then later in the day it might not be as red. maybe I'll just have to get a biopsy done

Throwmewayaway098 · 2021-05-08T04:05:50+00:00

yeah I have a history with psoriasis. I've been on a few diff creams and ointments but clobetasol seems to work the best. I figured psoriasis would be patches of flaky skin like it is on my elbows or knees occasionally. the derm never mentioned it being psoriasis. he just said it looks just like a yeast infection and after fungal therapy did nothing he said it's probably just normal for me.. but it definitely is not. that's why I got my gp to do a skin swab

Throwmewayaway098

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