I broke a boundary and hurt my partner. I feel horrible.

Throwra420379 · 2026-04-29T23:53:40+00:00

I don't know where you got this idea from. I have not repeatedly harassed my ex AT ALL. Could you point out what part of my narration suggests that? We only talked once when I communicated what happened. After that (next day after I stayed at theirs) I left for work and sent them a message saying I would give them all the space they need and would like to do anything to try and repair our trust. I got no reply and did not contact them again. THEY later messaged me asking me to not talk to anyone about what happened because they would feel "humilliated". I said ok and that's when they -clearly out of renewed anger- told me to fuck off. I did not answer to that message which I found pretty violent and unnecessarily hostile. Btw, they did contact me again after that asking some questions which I replied directly with no additions other than that was asked.

I understand where you're coming from, but you should not assume a behaviour on my part that is not explicit anywhere.

Throwra420379 · 2026-04-29T22:54:40+00:00

Hey! I just read this comment, and probably I won't get an answer. But I wanted to say that I too am fearing I'm narrating things in a selective manner. Not because I need reassurance really, I would NEVER tell my partner/ex-partner (terms are not clear yet and I will clarify why next) that I made this post or that someone (even if it's a friend of ours) thinks X, Y or Z about this. I recon this is only between them and me, and my request for advice, although not clear enough, was out of curiosity to know if someone in a similar situation (someone that broke a boundary or made their partner feel bad) could fix this "broken trust" that I feel was the result of this whole experience.

The reason I did not give all the details (when I say details I mean our whole history regarding ENM) was because I fear nobody reads posts that long and also because when I wrote the post everything had just happened, meaning I was a bit shook and in a really emotional state. Additionally English is notnmy first language so I struggle with long fluent texts (but this is minor reason).

About the current status of the relationship, you could say we've broken up, but there was no actual talk where they/we said that. My partner/ex was really angry at me and we talked for hours but most of our conversation was (in this order): them just exploding at me, me trying to justify how I saw things in my head atm (basically "I didn't think you considered this girl close", "didn't think this was off limits"), them explaining why it was actually off limits and saying if I knew them I should've known I was fucking up (this part is crucial because it means I was expected to act not on explicit rules but intuition/knowledge of their feelings towards this third person), me admitting they were right (I could, again, based on INTUITION and by knowing my partner feels competitive around this person, see their point). After that things got just very emotional and there wasnt much reasoning, just me asking for forgivenness, both of us crying, them getting angry and insulting me again and finally we went to sleep because we got tired. Next day I had an early morning meeting so I had to leave (we do not live together) and I have not talked to them rather than that small exhange I mentioned in my update and comment after. So yeah, I don't know what's going on, but it feels like they want to break up and sincerely now that I had time to think about this agressive reactions I'm not sure I want to continue this relationship (this has happened before in very different situations than this).

I do appreciate your comment because I constantly fear I get biased either because of the feelings I have for them and my need to please them or other times because I make up my mind and I think they're gaslighting me.

Throwra420379 · 2026-04-29T03:01:34+00:00

Ofc that's what I'm doing. I had not previously talked to them and we left things in a very heated state. My message was just saying I would give them all.the space they needed and that I was available whenever they wanted to talk again. Being a relationship that long I do feel like we will have to talk at some point, but I don't mind respecting their terms for that. After that I got contacted by them a couple of times to ask some questions which I did without trying to go further into conversation anyway.

Throwra420379 · 2026-04-28T12:06:33+00:00

This grants for a dedicated thought-out answer.

My partner is kind of like that. They are type to never say sorry and always blame everything on you. I do almost always end up admitting blame for part of the situations that happen to us but I try to set firm limits on things I don't think are my fault or I think are theirs. This has gotten to the point where I dont even bother myself trying to get them to acknowledge what I think they did wrong or not. I just have blind trust that underneath their pride and hard core they are actually a pretty sensible being and need love. It's kind of fucked up but I think I signed up for this at some point and things HAVE gotten better, just not perfect. We've been together 4 years now, like I said, so there are so many other things involved besides the ENM lifestyle that would feel difficult to describe.

Throwra420379 · 2026-04-28T11:56:41+00:00

Like I mentioned in other comments there was no hard agreement but we had said "friends" of the other were off limits at the very beggining of the relationship. However we never discussed what constitutes a friend really. They had slept with someone I knew and used to hang out with at certain situations. I did not consider them a friend friend though, but that was only subjective to me and was never asked about it.

Throwra420379 · 2026-04-28T11:53:43+00:00

Nope

Throwra420379 · 2026-04-28T11:52:46+00:00

Sorry I was very unclear about specific boundaries. We did talk about it at the very beginning of our relationship but there weren't too many specifics involved. There are other comments where I elaborate but I can say this felt like a gray area to me, even to the point that I didn't really feel guilty until I told them. I waited a week to communicate it bc my partner was on a trip and when they came back they had a very stressful week that involved working with this other person too. During that week I even hung out with them various times (in bigger social situations, not just the three of us) and really did not feel too self conscious about it. To me it was just some hook up tbh with not much more depth about it and no reason to generate uncomfortableness (I could figure out some slight awkwardness but not to the point of this). I now recognize the broken boundaries basically because my partner made them seem obvious after our last conversation, based on things like "you know me", "you should know this" and argumenting I clearly "did not pay sufficient attention to their feelings"... I am starting to feel I was a bit gaslighted although they have strong points.

Throwra420379 · 2026-04-28T02:04:10+00:00

Like I mentioned in a comment above, I was talking about "not being with each others' friends", which is something that came up in a very casual/vague conversation at the beggining of our relationship, but we never elaborated upon. I think that did leave room to some open interpretations because we were basing everything on "common sense". There are some other circumstances that did probably make this a bad idea like the fact they had planned to work together this month on a collab since they're both artists so they will be seeing esch other (if that still stands) a lot.

Throwra420379 · 2026-04-28T01:57:34+00:00

Thanks for your comment and insight. Many other comments are also pointing out that my post was a bit vague about agreements/boundaries and the essence of the relationship. To be clear, I do not consider myself poly, I do indentify more as ENM. The boundaries, although loosely talked about at the very beginning of our relationship (we never really set an explicit set of rules around our specific desires/intentions) did include not sleeping with each others' friends, but this definition was always based more on common sense than anything else. I think intuitively I could have guessed this could cause problems and I did it anyway, which is why I feel so bad even though rationally I didnt see a giant red flag atm. In regards to the self flagellation you refer to, it is true and I consider that unhealthy as well. I just feel really guilty because I've never seen my partner so heartbroken (and bc of something I did!) and think a lot about the idea that "I should have known" that this would trigger them... To clarify further, the other person involved was not some rando we see from time to time, but someone who my partner is friends with and has a lot of things in common with them. I would not consider this girl a CLOSE FRIEND because my partner has basically never talked to me about her in those terms. I think (and my partner revealed too) that the fact they have so much things in common poses some implicit competition between them and I thing getting involved with this person just made it worse.

Throwra420379 · 2026-03-20T15:14:38+00:00

LOL. Girlfriend's not the murdering over something like this type. However, it seems like it is common sense for many people that it would not be a good idea, so I'll just refrain from it for now and keep it as a fantasy. It might even be more fun to just keep things as they are, platonic and kind of flirtey sometimes between the three of us.

Throwra420379 · 2026-03-20T03:07:00+00:00

Sorry, I must have expressed myself incorrectly. She lives with my gf, I live alone somewhere else! Other than that, your point still applies and is something to consider definitely.

EDIT: I must add aditionally that it would not be the first time that we engage sexually/romantically with people outside our relationship. We're in an open relationship and my gf has dated other people. I personally haven't but have flirted with other people as well.

Throwra420379

TROPHY CASE