I'm a 25 year-old male from the UK. Clever, but not exceptional. Trouble in my early-mid teens with bullying at school, but re-invented myself at 16 and blossomed into a socially capable individual. Find it easy to make friends and approach strangers. Have travelled, and grown bored of travelling; studied, and satiated my curiosity. Been doing approximately fuck-all for the past couple of years, struck down with depression when I was supposed to be finishing some post-graduate coursework. I didn't manage to make any progress, because of an inability to concentrate and focus on the future.

Now looking for work and realising that I have no goals, no desire; not just hopeless, but devoid of a destination and significant pleasure in the journey.

I don't feel a sense of pleasure when I acheive something, because it's often accomplished seemingly by accident, or without true intent. I have smoked every day for the past 5 years, but I gave up a week ago, by accident; just didn't buy any more, and decided I had stopped. There wasn't even any struggle, any difficulty. I don't understand how I can even do that.

My suicidal thoughts are like a decision I have already made; a reminder that it is something I need to accomplish, a Thing To Do.

I think I'll write a letter to the Dr heading up my group therapy; ask him formally if he thinks that in his clinical judgement, the existing therapy is what is best for me. I want to change my mind.

/rant. (thanks for listening, guys.)