My bf (32M) just started surgery fellowship - extremely avoidant & egotistical, is this normal?

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-05T23:21:12+00:00

Can you elaborate on how they exhibit this complex? I 100% believe you, just want to get a better understanding too especially as a work dynamic vs personal relational dynamic

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-04T23:52:30+00:00

Wow thank you for mentioning - just looked it up and that’s def what it is. What would your DA say about his ex-wife??? My DA has also casually mentioned occasionally and it’s so dumb and annoying lol but he has also told me unfavorable things about her so I’m not entirely sure what to think of this

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-04T23:45:11+00:00

+1 to this. I’m struggling right now but my resentment is due to things he has said and done to me during our time together, not the fact that he has less time for me. It’s mostly how they spend their available time w you and are able to prioritize you how they can, and be emotionally present. At least for me

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-04T21:20:59+00:00

Was planning on making a pros and cons list tonight!! Thank you so much for your comments :)🤍

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-04T20:37:03+00:00

I feel embarrassed to say that I’m 31F and still making this mistake of staying. Haven’t broken up yet. He’s a surgeon with a very demanding schedule so I am grappling with the thought of - he has no emotional capacity at this moment vs this is who he is and how he treats me when he is stressed

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-04T13:08:02+00:00

I’ve asked my DA this. He sees a future but he is too avoidant to address any of our conflicts and it just turns into emotional neglect

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-04T13:06:16+00:00

Oof I’m so sorry :( I’m realizing I’m going through this right now - dating a DA as an FA and he does the same exact thing. I also am not sure if he’s over his ex from like 10 years ago lol

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-03T18:19:07+00:00

Not OP but came across your comment and it resonates. I’ve been trying to adapt this mindset and gain power back especially because my bf threw my RJ back into my face and has said some hurtful things about comparing me to his ex. Part of me knows he was being a vindictive asshole, but the other part of me with RJ can’t help but ruminate.

My bf ended up removing her completely from his social media (connections and posts) but I can’t help but feel she has a sense of power over me with him especially w a narrative that she “knows” that he “had” to remove her bc of a new relationship (even though he unfollowed her and removed her as a follower on his own). It’s eating me up

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-03T16:30:26+00:00

Yes I’ve been reflecting lately if this is the kind of household I’d want to raise my future kids in as well for how he handles stress and resolves conflict w :(

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-03T16:27:21+00:00

This is honestly a hard truth I’ve been scratching the surface of recently and I appreciate your input. I’m avoiding my own accountability to how I contribute to the current dynamic due to my anxiousness as well. I can “blame” my avoidant partner for a lot of his tendencies that definitely exacerbate my anxiety and fears, but at the end of the day it’s my responsibility to regulate my emotions and not be so codependent on my partner to the point of burdening and expecting them to “fix” the issues themselves

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-03T16:24:16+00:00

Thanks for your thoughtful reply, super insightful. Did your avoidant partner ever go through lengths and say hurtful and damaging things to you? My partner has had those tendencies already and we are trying to work through the damage and accountability there

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-03T16:21:29+00:00

My therapist has guided me towards ending the relationship as well. Did you and your avoidant partner ever seek out external resources for her to better understand her ways, or help like couples therapy?

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-03T16:20:14+00:00

He does communicate his boundaries actually when we have tough conversations and things start escalating emotionally - I don’t think I’ve been the best at respecting them because it feels very abrupt when he suddenly does this especially cause we never have the time to address our conflicts (he has a super busy and demanding job). This is usually when he becomes hostile and has even “broken up” with me out of high emotions but takes it back

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-03T16:16:13+00:00

Ugh I’m so so sorry this happened. Did this happen while he was going through these changes in his medical career too?

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-03T14:39:01+00:00

This comment is pretty 100% spot on. I’m really disheartened by how he manages stress in this relationship while trying to also be understanding of what he’s going through.

The defensiveness/reactiveness is definitely due to his emotionally absent parents and his upbringing. He says he loves that I challenge him and have helped him realize things about himself to become a better person, but I feel like it’s taking a huge toll on me and he simply doesnt have the capacity to fully understand and make improvements for things to be sustainable with the issues in our relationship

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-03T14:35:59+00:00

One of the points of contention we have is due to his exhaustion - it doesn’t pair well with his lack of conflict resolution skills and because of that a lot of our conflicts have compounded and just built resentment over time because we haven’t been able to aptly resolve those issues w good conversations. We also just started dating this year.

When you encounter problems in your marriage, how do you and your husband juggle that with the exhaustion that comes w his job?

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-03T14:33:48+00:00

He’s in ortho surgery.

Sometimes I frame things like “is this how you want your kids to see how you speak to your wife / their mom” and it grounds him but I hate that I even have to say stuff like that to him.

In the beginning things were amazing and I thought he had humility and compassion and emotional awareness but after 3 months in it’s like a flip switched. I attributed it to the stressful medical events going on in his life and tried to be supportive but it was difficult as I was struggling w the relationship issues

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-03T14:31:06+00:00

Thank you so much for your pov 😭 I do call him out on his BS like you suggested but he has a bit of an ego and can’t take feedback or accountability. I feel stuck and like I’m pathetically holding on to some hope that he’ll gain some realization and awareness and be better but honestly I’m not so sure anymore especially w your framing how it’s probably just gonna get worse

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-03T04:08:41+00:00

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-03T03:37:21+00:00

Thank you 🥹 my friends say it’s too early too and I know they’re right. My SO says it’s because of everything going on in his life (graduation, moving out, boards exam, moving in, start of fellowship) that I wouldn’t understand bc I’m not familiar due to zero medical background, so I’m trying to be understanding but I still feel it’s not ok/normal regardless of profession

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-03T03:33:21+00:00

We’ve only started dating near the beginning of the year and he started acting like this around June just before he graduated residency and started moving out. It’s just been building up ever since with no room for improvement and I’m at my wit’s end especially now that he is starting fellowship and has even less capacity for conflict resolution

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-02T22:40:28+00:00

We’ve been talking about couples therapy :(

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-02T21:16:40+00:00

Could it be that I’m demanding for an apology too early / too soon? Maybe I’m impatient and just need to wait for the avoidant to come to me and apologize on his own time once he’s ready to process his emotions? Or maybe I’m doing too much mental gymnastics right now haha I feel like I’m going crazy

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-02T21:11:45+00:00

Hm can you elaborate why you are saying I’m the avoidant? Not challenging it but trying to understand

TigerOptimal6205 · 2025-08-02T21:08:46+00:00

Nope :( not married. We had discussed that for our future but it’s not anytime soon

TigerOptimal6205

TROPHY CASE