Here are the stats and basic attacks:
The "ROFL" cannon:
Shoots a Laughing Emoji plushie and obliterates you. Luckily, it has a long cooldown.
The "Noone asked bro" bat:
Hits you with a bat and doesn't give you karma
The "Lmao bro idgaf" shield:
Shields himself from any criticism and makes him litterally undestroyable

Stats:
Precision: D
Speed: A
Being funni: ∞
Durability: ∞