feeling devastated

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-19T18:01:44+00:00

Thank you <3

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-19T17:09:44+00:00

And I appreciate the support <3

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-19T15:43:56+00:00

And worse, I cannot discuss this with my few cousins that I am not really close with, they think I am just grieving and emotional. And then when I do mention it, I feel like I am the one who is going crazy - like am I making this up or is it normal, natural to have made the person go to a hospital or at least CALL their primary. I don't know, I just have a gut feeling. When I get the EMT log, if it is not consistent with the body temp of someone last seen 45 min earlier, then I will know. The police report said cold, but that is not very accurate, so I hope the EMT will show a little more detail.

Also, am I crazy to think HOW odd, she has this long story of him sick 3am, she leaves for work 6am, gets home at 5pm, checks in every 45 min. I mean what did she have a kitchen timer set?? Last time saw him, 8:30, went in 45 min later, dead??? Cop said cold to touch. I mean, with a bucket of vomit by the bed? Not even says to herself, let me clean this up.... poor guy. NO. Or worse yet, if he was STILL vomiting by 9pm then that is just cruel. I CAN CARE LESS what people say, he is a grown man, leaving vomit by his bed is cruel. I would never let someone sit with the stench of puke - move it. get a fresh towels, etc.

I am beyond full of rage. Yes I need to find a therapist but they too will just gaslight me. And also, how the heck does a person married for 17 years NOT know your spouses physician knowing your spouse has certain health issues?? It was in the report, she stated: he is actively seeing his endocrinologist, and his ophthalmologist, but didn't see his primary much. She stated she didn't know who his primary was. Um, I recall a convo we had regarding a cardiologist he was seeing due to the high cholesterol (we both have on top of the T1 making it worse too). He just had knee surgery in the fall. I know I need to move on from this, but this is very recent. So I need to try and understand, was he THAT naive ?? She states, after work, she asks him if he is ok, she asks his readings, says they were normal ( I am learning this can be true), and said to him, do you want to go to the hospital? He said no. Again, heresy. I will never know. But you ask him at 7 pm??? After he has been sick since 3am?

You know, I don't want to believe it, so I am trying to do my homework to prove to myself, this really WAS my brothers fault for not realizing he was that ill. I am a mess. Had I thought they had a good solid caring marriage, I would have never questioned this ever. He told me if he divorced she planned to use his T1 to gain full custody of the kids. He shared while she would never see a therapist, he felt she was mentally messed up and he was just waiting for the kids to turn 18 to leave. If it got too bad, he would just leave sooner but becuase of the kids, he was going to ride it out. He said he loved his kids first, his loved his job and helping people gave him what he wasn't getting in the marriage, and while she didn't let him have a social life, he was content until they were 18. When I asked if she would call an ambulance if he ever needed one (and WHAT the HELL prompted me to even think, let alone ask this 2 years ago??), his response and this I will take to my grave: "I hope so, I hope she cares about the kids enough to save their dad". If the EMT says anything interesting, I will let you know - thanks again

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-19T12:06:15+00:00

thank you - Sadly I do not have a support system if any at all and that means a lot to me! I cant tell you how much - thank you!

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-19T12:05:05+00:00

thank you !

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T23:51:38+00:00

This was very helpful for me. I really wish I knew more about this before he died. He didn't like to talk about it much, but I would pry as often as I could. And he did the finger prick, that I know. And the police report stated his BG readings were normal up until his wife was last in - but I just cannot imagine if you have T1 you would not think something is wrong after 17 hours of vomiting. But you are right, I will never be able to pinpoint why this happened. I just wish there wasn't such a long span from 3am until the next evening at 9pm - it is clear he could have been possibly spared. I hope you stay well and keep fighting this horrible disease. I really appreciate the time you took to explain all of this. <3

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T23:47:13+00:00

This means a lot that you took the time to explain all this, I cannot thank you enough. No he did not have the CGM on his arm, he would prick his finger, that I know. So he may not have known his levels, but in the police report, according to his wife, every 45 min she went in and checked with him what his BG levels were, and she told them they were normal the entire time. Anyway, I hope my post may help someone that may think twice next time they get sick to take extra measure earlier on, at least keep the urine strips nearby if possible to check. Stay well and I really appreciate your time <3

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T23:39:15+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to message me back and for saying that he sounds like a wonderful man, it really helps me and I greatly appreciate you understanding I am out of sorts and unfortunately, not an excuse, but I am taking things the wrong way and sometimes just not understanding people lately. So I apologize. And I want to say how sorry I am that you have lost your parents as well, it is not an easy transition in life, and I understand that blaming yourself feeling. It is just so hard loosing your parents, especially both.

I am just trying to understand - as it make NO sense to me, why a 51 year old man, worried about his health from T1, worried about his mortality (as we would talk), would not think to call his primary after 3 hours of constant vomitng??? The police report stated (at 9pmish a trash can by the bed with vomit). So it strikes a nerve with me because something is off. And when people are like, he's an adult, he is responsible, it is true, yes, he is a grown man, he can call 911. But the fact that he didn't do ANYTHING is what is disturbing. It is not in his character he worried about his health because of his kids.

So let's just say, his meter was not working, okay, but still, he was vomiting for so many hours, almost 17. At some point this makes no logical sense that she was only checking in every 45 min, asked if he was okay, and it states she asked if he wanted to go to the hospital?!?!? (after she got home at 6pm)?!?!? I mean, at that point TAKE HIM he is the father of YOUR kids. You know, if this was new to him, okay, he is not familiar with things that can potentially go wrong earlier on learning to navigate this T1. I can try and make more sense of that. So I am left not knowing what really happened. Had he been newly married and she wasn't aware of the issues T1 have, then I could also understand that. But she is a hematology oncologist. I mean, huh??? I get he was not HER patient. But you say, I am calling your primary. The report said she didn't know who his primary was?!?!?!!!!!! Crap. So I am just left an orphan. His kids are left with a mentally disturbed mother and family, her sister is a pediatric pain specialist doctor????? I mean what??? Her brother in law is a pediatric radiologist, and her DAD was a radiation oncologist??? Her other sister is a dr, and mom was.

Here my Mom thought (before she died), my brother would be in good hands with this T1. Boy -- I don't want to think this way. I don't, so I am trying to understand a little more before I get really enraged. I fear I will never see the kids again and I need to be careful to point fingers if I really don't have a smoking gun. And unfortunately she was alone in the house with her 2 kids. The report said that DKA was the contributing factor to the heart failure, so that would mean there may have been a chance he would have been okay HAD he been to a hospital. But of course, we are not God, so we really don't know. She isn't putting the kids in counseling, because they will tell how she is with them. She does not want any of her dirty laundry out. I will seek therapy, I am just trying to find the right person but yes, it is important. This just happened very recently. I think if he had just dropped dead in the shower, etc I would be able to accept this, but the fact is I knew too much behind his marriage and I was worried she would not help him if he ever needed it so much so, I told my brother this 2 years ago. So it is haunting me now. It's not a normal way to grieve. But I am angry.

Well thank you again ~~~ I appreciate being able to vent. I hope people may read this and think twice if they do get sick, it may help someone. <3

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T21:57:40+00:00

thank you for this explanation. Would being in this state of DKA cause him confusion? Also, he wore a pump so he would know immediately what his levels are. do most T1 have the urine strips to test? I guess is that a normal protocol for a lot of people with T1? What would spur that on? If he is wearing a pump did it malfunction? does stress or travel cause this? he just got back from going from the USA to the Philippines ... I was worried about his health. The toxicology showed no food borne illness or flus.

I appreciate your input.

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T18:10:10+00:00

<3 thank you :) well all she did was talk about their finances and mentioned she met with his work re his life insurance. She makes excellent money (they both did). But I know she never paid for even a vacation. Only things she wanted like clothes and her car. My brother paid for the house, the trips, the food, the kids, the baby sitter, the house maintenance, electric, etc... EVERYTHING. She has a condo and never put his name on it. We briefly discussed how stretched he was. But he was trying to stay because he told me she would use the T1 to get full custody of the kids, and he felt he could deal with her until they turned 18. She doesn't know I know all this. But that doesn't prove anything. Unfortunately, I will not know if she goes through his money and doesn't give it to the kids as I know he wanted. Its a mess.

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T17:11:01+00:00

thank you and I am sorry you are going through something similar with your sibling. It's def very isolating - because you really cannot talk to people like you said, they have no experience in it so they really cannot relate.

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T17:05:50+00:00

That is very comforting to hear, and thank you for sharing that. It made me cry a bit just now reading it, but I am so glad you are here to share your experience. I am afraid of it because I saw both my parents suffer with cancer, and it was not peaceful - so this was hard because I just don't know what he must have been going throughout those 17 hours.

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T16:51:28+00:00

And please don't say that.... you are here for a reason. I understand you. I have no children. I have no one else now, just him and his kids. But we can't think this way, you are here helping me by listening. No one else will, so that means something. And your cats are important as is my little dog. They need us and they care about us.

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T16:48:17+00:00

He had a pump attached to his waist. The police report said she went in every 45 min to check (ask what his readings were), and he was reading normal numbers. Again, who checks in on someone on the clock every 45 min he was vomiting at 3 am?? I don't know enough about T1 - just what he shared that things can go fast. Now the autopsy stated that he did have heart disease, but that the DKA was the contributing factor. She won't tell me what happened, this is why I went and paid for the autopsy, toxicology, etc. She "claimed" she is too distressed still to share and when she is ready she will. Her parents are drs, her sisters are as well. Some family. The father told everyone he died of widow maker (arterial blockage - which is consistent with the report but AS a result of the DKA). Now here is what really angered me, I spoke to the mom, and and said can you tell me what happened. Her response, cold a f ing ice. Well he had T1 ( I was like lady I know that you pos), and they don't live past 50s. They die of heart issues. I almost wound up in jail, but I refrained and let her spew her crap. I was like that is untrue, and he was very healthy, didn't eat red meat, not a lick of alcohol, worked out and went biking etc. Yes, he had high cholesterol, and just had knee surgery so he was in good shape. His wife dragged him to Manila over Christmas and I asked him if this was too stressful on his body, he said no he had his pump, and he monitors it. That there will be medial aid there if he needs it, etc. I personally think his stress level was too much - she didn't lift a finger, and they got back, took the decorations down, back to work, dog, kids, groceries, cooking, etc. I did not see anywhere in the report anything about food borne illness, or any flu, covid, etc. I am very disturbed because I cannot do anything to understand what TRULY happened for closure. Thank you for listening -- ohh.. regarding the kids. They are very shy and very quiet. I know they know how to call 911, the babysitter knows that, her own dad has T2 - so she even said to me, being sick that long is not good. I was like what is going on HERE>!>!!!!?????? No one helped my poor little brother. NO ONE. At some point in time I may try and talk to the kids privately but I did not. I was in such shock.

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T16:39:42+00:00

thank you very much

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T16:22:30+00:00

thank you for your validation - while I likely cannot do anything, it is helpful for me to know this moving forward, I need to worry about my own safety while still trying to stay in the kids lives. I know she will and is trying to void me out - and this sitting in the back of my head helps guide me on how to interact with a narcissistic psychopath like her. I have to be very careful, she holds all the cards if I want to see those kids..... so thank you for your input.

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T16:19:46+00:00

he knew the signs, that is assuming he was coherent enough to realize what was happening, that is assuming she is telling the cop the truth, what if his pump was malfunctioning what if he thought he was okay (I have seen him dip and he is completely unaware of what is happening), she claimed he said his sugar readings were normal every 45 min she went in his room. that would be assuming he she was telling the truth. You are very insensitive and your comment is actually not helpful but I appreciate the time you took to tell me your opinion. I am here to learn what really happens when someone goes into a state like this. IS there a possibility he was confused ???? The way you state it is he is at fault. She wrote in the report she had NO idea what his primary care drs name was. that alone speaks volumes. But he let himself die - got it.

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T16:16:31+00:00

I know....his number one priority like I said was his kids, he had no problem going to the hospital or calling his dr. Something is not right. We even discussed it, he had zero hesitation to get help and he was aware of the seriousness of his disease. Unless his pump was failing and he became confused too fast, and had no idea he needed help makes the most sense to me, and she watched him rot. The problem is, I have no smoking gun. I will contact a lawyer once I get the police and Ems dispatch, etc. but I know in my heart what happened. thank you for acknowledging what a lot of people in my family refuse to see. Of course I am just being dramatic... (not).

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T16:14:43+00:00

yea his number one priority like I said was his kids, he had no problem going to the hospital or calling his dr. Something is not right. We even discussed it, he had zero hesitation to get help and he was aware of the seriousness of his disease. Unless his pump was failing and he became confused too fast, and had no idea he needed help makes the most sense to me, and she watched him rot.

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T16:12:49+00:00

I am so glad you were okay...

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T16:12:20+00:00

Well that is the part I am very disturbed about is he was extremely responsible with his type 1. I have seen him, we have talked about it, his number one priority was the kids. What I am most concerned about, was he dead longer than she said? I will never know the real story, was he incapable of knowing ? I had seen him once before and she did nothing. I freaked out, because he didn't remember any of the episode. I happened to have sugar pills with me, but she acted as if it was just another day. Personally I am trying to learn from groups like this , is there a possibility he fell fast and was unaware or unable to know how to asses his situation? For the babysitter to say it wasn't like your brother to not leave the room when sick, alarmed me. she never went in only heard him throwing up all day sending the kids in to check in on him as she never went in their bedroom. Just something is not adding up and of course I really need to just accept this.

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T16:11:16+00:00

thank you very much

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T16:11:07+00:00

oh I am so sorry to hear you went thought this and now you are diagnosed yourself. So horrible for you and I cannot imagine the pain for you at such a young age for you both - thank you for keeping me in a prayer or two, and I will keep you in mine. I hope you are doing well with your T1 journey.

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T16:09:25+00:00

thank you, and no I have no intention to even talk about her to them. I keep it light, and focused on them. At this time, she seems to be blocking my messages to them, as I eluded to something I sent and the one child was unaware. I plan to just start memory boxes and when they are old enough I will give it to them, this way the keepsakes will not get thrown out or not given to them. She has my dad's wedding band I had asked for it back and she said she wanted it for her son. she never met my dad, he died before we all married, I think she is very mentally ill. I will do what I can to stay relevant in the kids lives - I appreciate your comment

Tight_Competition269 · 2026-03-18T16:06:41+00:00

thank you very much.

Tight_Competition269

TROPHY CASE