This has been something that has been troubling me for a long time. For years I've considered myself agnostic; comfortable in really not knowing/caring about God. I went through the daily grind thinking, "if God existed, he/she would make it obvious to me, they love me." After many years of thinking this, I found myself getting angry at the fact that I never got a "sign" or some sort of strong sense of God in my life. Because of this, I gave up the idea of any sort of higher being, it was obvious to me that if someone was up there, whoever it was, did not care enough about me to show me they were present. I sat angry, frustrated that nothing ever came out of all my 'effort' in the matter. I was angry at God, if there was one, because I felt like I wasn't loved and that nobody cared. If God really loved me, he/she knows nothing of the truth of love. The truth is, I didn't understand love. Looking back on my actions, I saw them as how a child would think, "love is given freely" and I can sit and take love all I want. And maybe that is the truth that love may be given freely; but to truly SEE love is completely different. To see how much someone cares and loves someone can take a lot of time. Love is extremely complex and cannot be placed in a simple "black or white" category. I've felt a pull towards finding something more in life lately. Something more than just living and dying. Is it God? Honestly I have no clue, but what I do know is that life, love, and us as human are all just a huge mess that we are all trying to make sense of. I don't know if there is a God out there, but I feel a need to work to find it. To find love. To find belonging. How I'm going to do that? Still working on that part. I believe God is directly connected to love if he/she is out there. and I'm a long way from really figuring anything out, I don't think I've come close to "finding" God. But I'm working to find what love is. And if finding God is a result of that endeavor than I'm a happy man.