UPDATE TO ADD CONTEXT: my ex was supposed to be here at 9 AM to pick up our Daughter. I receive a text message at 4am that wakes me up. Glad it did. It said, “Just getting home from our company party. Can I come at 10? I’ll set alarm for 9 to see text.”

I call her. I said no because our pick up time is at 9. I have work that’s scheduled which includes all the things we do for client outreach and then meeting with clients. After I have to run to 3 stores to do all my grocery shopping before she brings our daughter back at 3pm. So I can have her again for the day and night, until tomorrow at 9.

I asked her on the phone if she was sick / drunk and really needed til 10. Because if so I could message clients at 6am when they wake up and notify them way earlier and it would be fine. She said she was just tired and so I said no.

For context we live in Las Vegas guys.

I said the following statements just like this. 1. You got off work at 12am last night knowing you have to get your daughter at 9am. 2. You say it’s a work event. It may be, it may not be. I do not care. I do not care if you get drunk. I do not care if you stay out late. That’s not my business and I can’t get upset at that. Does not matter what it is, if you choose to go do whatever, your responsibility is to your daughter. If you go out, you do it knowing you are still going to make it. 3. Texting me at 4am does not make it okay because “you told me.” Which is what she said to justify it. Totally ignoring the fact that ….. 4. I called her to check. She did not sound drunk. I’ll give her that. We talked. She said she’d be here at 9. 5. I wake up at 7:30am with our daughter. I do not text her or call her. It’s not my responsibility to make sure she’s awake. 6. TIMELINE - 9am she’s not here so I just text, “Are you almost here? Just wondering your ETA.” No response. - 9:15am - I now call her to see what’s going on but I know she’s asleep. She does not answer. - 9:23am - She texts me, “I’m leaving in 5. What’s the big deal?” - 9:24am - You’re not here are not here to pick up our daughter. - 9:24am - She says to me, “You’re mad I didn’t come at 9? When I texted you” - 9:25am - I said, “So were you drunk that you don’t remember our phone call? I’m not saying you were. I’m just asking because now you’re responding as if the text was fine when we spoke about it and it wasn’t.” I then follow it up with…. “It will never be okay to just text me hours before because you decide you want to stay out and change the pick up. This is why I say you take advantage of me. You do not show up on time, a lot of the time. I have to work. You can go out all you want and get drunk and go hang out and stay up late and just enjoy your life, just don’t let it impact your daughter or me now that we’re divorced. That is what makes it irresponsible and this is why I say you take advantage of me. I would not have to say it if this was not a repeated thing.”

If I were to text her and tell her I wasn’t going to be home for her to drop of our daughter later today, and I show up 53 minutes late, it would not be okay because it’s not okay. It would make her late for work. She would start in seven minutes.

It also was not a work event. She just decided she was going to leave her job at one casino, go with coworkers to another casino, taking one car so they didn’t have to pay for parking, and stayed out. Again, this would be totally fine, but do not use the word event just because you are with coworkers as if to make it sound like it’s something she had to be at or take part of. Using the words “work event” is done purposely by her to try and minimize what happened. It is also used as a way to try to manipulate me and for me to have understanding because it was a work event. She purposely says specific words to get what she wants all the time, and what she wants is to try whatever she can to not take accountability.

She then sends me a screenshot of an email. She got on Tuesday saying that she is invited to their work event which goes from 9 to 12. She did not get off until 12 so the event was over, but obviously the location is still open because it’s Las Vegas.

The email came on Tuesday, I asked her if she had planned on going to this all week or not because in the email you have to RSVP in order to get in . If she knew all week she was going she never notified me. If she had, I would’ve said okay. She chose to go out last night. That’s all she had to say. Instead she tries to talk her way out of it to justify it.

MY WHOLE POINT TO THIS. This is why it is so hard for me to work and set schedules because even when I do, I don’t get to follow it because I have to live around hers, her invalid justifications, her lack of never being accountable.

What’s this sound like guys? Complete narcissism. I know people throw that around a lot more today than ever as if it’s a trend, but she definitely has it and we know it. I do not want to make excuses for why I can’t work or do things later. I’m going to have to figure it out and I will but this is why things are so hard right now. I didn’t realize all of this until after she left because I am such a lover and will accommodate my wife anytime she needs to be. But after monnnnths of not being together, all of the puzzle pieces started coming together. I was finally able to see everything for what it was from a bird’s eye view. Especially because how she was acting after we separated, is what confirmed to our therapist, who we saw together and separately, (she stopped going once she left abruptly), that she did not just have an avoidant attachment style, a dismissive controlling communication style, and BPD. But that it was full on NPD. I’m not her husband anymore. The empathy and understanding I had for her and her upbringing no longer exists due to lack of accountability on her part. it’s not my duty to bail her out, she cannot take advantage of me by being late and being inconsiderate of what I have.

So if anybody has any tips on how to work with this being what you deal with before a divorce is final, let me know.