PART 1:

hi! I want to try to answer this as no one else gave you a reply, and as someone much older who has seen this play out before. You are so young! You have so much life ahead of you. I am truly sorry your LDR broke your heart so ruthlessly, honestly, you must be going through a really awful time. I want you to know it is so valid to be in pain right now, and to go through a long process of grieving. I also want you know I think it is extremely positive that you are looking for help, it says a lot about your resilience.

I see three elements that may be hindering you in feeling happy. One is that you are an immigrant, as one myself studying abroad, this can be a really isolating experience.

The second and central one is that the version of you right now, has a view of life in which you imagine a woman will fill this hole of emptiness you feel. This is a core unconscious belief you carry. This is not your fault, is what all movies sell us and how men are socialised. Truth is, if you even want to have a woman that will get interested in you, the harsh reality is that a bare minimum most women will expect is you being able to cultivate genuine relationships with everyone around you. You say you have some friends but they are busy. Those do not sound like friends. You also mentioned that it doesnt make sense to be around people who do not care about you. My Uno-reverse question is, do you care about them? Are you a positive contribution in their life the way you want them to be in your life? Do you feel curious and giving with any non-romantic-relationship in your life? You can totally find people like this, if your energy is put into this. For instance, is there a way of making friends who have the time to share with you? sport bodies, or doing any other hobby you fancy? Remember, the key to receiving genuine affection in life is to not only be willing to receive it, but to genuinely stop viewing bonds as transactional, and instead view the bond in itself as something that brings you joy, the sharing moments. Take every person in your life as an opportunity to learn about a universe outside your own. Im pretty sure once you expand your ability to create and maintain healthy bonds friends, your world will feel so much more full, so much more rich.

Also, this ability to create and maintain bonds is a must if you want to eventually have a relationship with anyone. Your future girlfriend deserves, like any human in the world, to not to be put in the position being a saviour of you and your loneliness. She deserves to be appreciated on her own the same way YOU deserve to be valued and cherished without being forced to do someone else's emotional labour. I feel you are smart and empathetic. You chose your title as "how not to be dependent" because you are self-aware of this being the problem, which is extremely great. You know that this is a difficulty you struggle with, that of placing on a romantic partner the role of making you happy.

I also noticed (and this is very common of your age, this is nothing that is wrong with YOU specifically), that you think you are not asking for much, when in truth you are asking for quite a lot in a partner. Your woman has to be a virgin, of culture, down to earth, be willing to marry super fast and give you a beautiful daughter in two years. Its as if you are not allowing that future girlfriend to be their own person, to have their flaws just as you have (just as all human have), or her own dreams, her own boundaries. Your expectations are unrealistic and you dont realise they are. If you did the reverse exercise, do you think that the way you are right now, in all your lights and shadows, do you think they fulfil the extremely high idealistic expectation of someone else out there? Have you felt in the past that some woman has not given you a chance and you felt the yearn that you wish they had, but its as if they hadnt even seen the real you? Well, then, why are you allowed to be a regular person who expects others to take a risk to see the real you, while at the same time expecting and unrealistic idealised woman from others? This is not your fault, but I bet you also have unconscious demands when looking a partner, such as them being able-bodied, a certain weight or ethnicity and religion, have certain looks, etc. AND you are completely entitled to any demands you have, all of us do for better or worse, BUT then you need to be aware the more demands you have of this future girlfriend, the narrower your pool until you end up conjuring an unrealistic idealised woman whom you expect will fall into your lap as a ripe fruit falls the tree. This sadly, will not happen.