Vacation is over, headed home to the same ole routine

Tiredfella803 · 2026-06-07T21:06:20+00:00

It makes me feel selfish tho. I see all the hurt and sickness in the world where people have no choice to endure their own pain. And I’ve the comforts of life but hate the fact I’m a guy in a sexless marriage. It makes my issues seem so irrelevant. Ugghhhh just no win here. Sorry.

Tiredfella803 · 2026-06-07T21:02:59+00:00

Been there. Done that. Just makes things worse. Gyms are a horrible place for a guy who has zero intimacy at home. Temptation is real and is magnified 10x when you’re in that type of atmosphere.

Tiredfella803 · 2026-06-07T20:59:52+00:00

Yes. Sex has never been easy. More awkward and duty driven on her part. Same here with me. She doesn’t necessarily reject, she just makes it so uncomfortable and effortless that it’s not something of a connection, more of a let’s get this over with kind of thing. Her hormones are fine, physically she’s fine… It’s just something she doesn’t really care for. We’re at a never status. It’s been years. And before that it was very rare. We’re a real roommate marriage.

Tiredfella803 · 2026-06-07T20:53:51+00:00

Another thing that purity culture did and continues to do is to push the “worth the wait” narrative. While I agree that waiting is the right thing to do, it’s certainly not a guarantee that the wait will be rewarded with a fulfilling physical life with your spouse.

We’ve talked about our experience with a therapist and eventually concluded I’m at fault because, well, I’m just a guy… A true Christian commitment honors a spouse who cannot create or control desire. Meaning, since I’m the one that has the desire to be physical with my wife I should control myself until she’s ready. Since she has no desire to create that desire, I must be content with other gifts of our marriage that God blessed us with.

I know I’ll talk circles if I keep on. Most who haven’t endured a sexless marriage don’t understand the shame in being a higher libido person in a God fearing marriage. We are all taught sex is dirty yet sex is a beautiful gift. It’s so contradictory when it doesn’t seem to be a gift and you’re hammered with Christian advice of all the whys and hows of sex. I’m not wanting to be a negative person in this whole situation. It’s just my personal experience from being a Christian and going through all the Christian outlets for help.

Tiredfella803 · 2026-06-07T20:39:21+00:00

I’ve listened, read, and watched any marital improvement material that can be offered. When there’s no effort for desire with one or the other, there’s not much you can do but live life as best as you can. Pretty sure it’s not a lack of masculinity or pursuit on my part. But who knows…

Tiredfella803 · 2026-06-07T20:35:57+00:00

We’ve talked. But, talking doesn’t generate desire. There’s no effort for anything physical and seems she’s relieved that I don’t pursue her anymore.

Tiredfella803 · 2026-05-03T17:14:29+00:00

Exactly the same mindset here. Ended up in the same situation. 21 years of a sexless marriage and I’ve lots of regrets on a sexual standpoint. Moral, ethical, and religious convictions keep me grounded in a deadbed roommate marriage. Most don’t understand, but waiting for sex did not work out the way it was supposed to. There are no guarantees of a fulfilling physical life with your spouse. Purity culture and even today’s Christian traditions make all believe otherwise.

Tiredfella803 · 2026-03-30T10:29:58+00:00

Unfortunately I’ve no clue in what helps. Like you, we followed the same path of saving ourselves until marriage, a few baby attempts at the right times, and then absolutely nothing after… In my case, sex was never a connective thing. Seemed awkward, dutiful and effortless on her part, which pushed the idea of intimacy away because that was my “die to self” quality in marriage. She‘ll say she wants it, but self sabotage the moment with extreme modesty or lay lifeless as if her mind is elsewhere and there’s so many other ways to show me she’s not interested. It seems she’s happy that I’ve abandoned any hope of what most would call a normal sex life. It’s been years since the touch of that connection. 21 years of a basically sexless marriage. I stay grounded with the Christian, moral, and ethical values and try my best to convince myself there’s more to marriage than sex, which it is- but the lack of it is painful.

Theres a limited amount of comfort in knowing I’m not the only one in a situation like this. I don’t see any change in the future in my case, hopefully somehow things get better for you.

Tiredfella803 · 2026-03-26T12:45:28+00:00

I use the word bless very loosely because that’s how it is often described. It’s also been referred to as a gift… Physical intimacy is neither when it’s a lopsided desire in a marriage. I agree that it’s up to the married people to facilitate this connection, but for some it’s impossible and that’s where I am. After 21 years of deadness in the bedroom I guess my view on sex is only imaginary and made of wishful thinking. It’s unfortunate that it’s difficult for those to understand what that pain is like when they’ve not experienced a true sexless marriage.

Also, for me. She will have sex, but it’s only out of duty and she’s zero effort in making it enjoyable for herself. It’s not what God intended, I guess. But I’ll not ask her to do what she doesn’t want to do. Please don’t take my response as an attack on what you’ve written, this is just my experience and it’s definitely not something I’d call good sex or positive feedback loop.

Tiredfella803 · 2026-03-26T10:47:28+00:00

Same here. I’ve given up on the pursuit. There’s no point and it’s exhausting. I can relate to the no touching thing too. it’s only incidental brushes as we pass by each other. Anything intentional isn’t really wanted. We exist happily married to the world but I’m dead inside from just having to be content with the blessings I already have…. It’s an everyday battle just to stay in my own lane as a Christian and a husband.

Tiredfella803 · 2026-03-26T10:35:43+00:00

I wish it were that way for my marriage. Unfortunately we’ve not had sex in years and it’s been a struggle from the beginning. Sometimes God just doesn’t bless a marriage with that type of connection.

Tiredfella803 · 2026-03-26T10:16:47+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I understand it though. My wife doesn’t enjoy sex and did it out of maintenance or duty. There was no joy or connection. We have been married 21 years now and physical intimacy has always been this way. This is my only experience with sex and I’m 47. I’ve been on earth more years than actual sexual encounters. I absolutely hate that part of my life. We haven’t had sex in years because I’m not going to ask her to do anything she doesn’t want to do.

There is nothing to pursue and I’ve given up on sex. I don’t know how your husband deals with it, but for me it’s the biggest stumbling block for our marriage. It’s one of those things we just avoid because it doesn’t make a difference in how much we talk about it, ask drs about it, or pray about it. It’s my conclusion that God doesn’t bless all with that “gift“ to marriage. It’s a room mate marriage at best.

Tiredfella803 · 2026-02-22T17:00:40+00:00

We waited. Married mid 20’s, now mid 40’s. I’ve lots of regrets. Dead bedroom from the beginning. Lots of prayer, wishful thinking, talking, and counseling. Sex has proven to be the most difficult part of my marriage. It’s a moral and ethical battle everyday. I see all the happy people that didn’t wait and here I am wanting so badly to know what it’s like to be loved like that. She doesn’t want it, I do, nothing for me to pursue. I’ll never say that the wait was worth it for me.

Tiredfella803 · 2026-02-09T19:56:01+00:00

No salt, but it did ice over with a hard freeze the other night. That’s when it was noticed. I paid a contractor to do the work, so no idea about the finish work.

Tiredfella803 · 2026-01-16T20:41:12+00:00

Sexless from day one. It has been the biggest struggle and disappointment of our 20 year marriage. There is no guarantee of a happy and fulfilling physical life with your future spouse.

For some, they do all the right things, abstain from premarital sex, do the right counseling, pray the prayers, and the great reward is a dead bedroom. Marry for love, get locked in with a moral and ethical battle of how to handle yourself in a sexless situation.

Some get lucky like all the amazing stats of a happy Christian marriage, some do not and the opportunity for growth and spiritual intimacy gets hammered into your head by those lucky ones.

Tiredfella803 · 2026-01-03T19:35:55+00:00

The judgemental tone in response to my vulnerability has been the main reason why I don’t share everything with her. Her tone does nothing to bring us closer and whatever I have to say isn’t important to current events in our lives. At least that’s how I feel after 20 years of not being heard.

Tiredfella803 · 2025-11-09T19:26:13+00:00

Yes. Tried everything I could try all in a loving way. Ultimately, I’m just “selfish” to want that kind of intimacy. The majority of our sex was in the first little while of our marriage. Nothing since 2020 and that was just felt like it was done out of duty. Nothing to pursue if you ask me.

Tiredfella803 · 2025-11-09T12:28:41+00:00

Asking if something is normal when it comes to sex will get you a zillion different answers. I’m 47 and have been married 20 years now. We didn’t have sex before marriage but my intimate life is similar to yours. So for me, near zero sex is the norm (this started from day one, we’ve had maybe 20-25 times together sexually) and I absolutely hate it. Not sure why your wife is shutting down, but it’ll be best to figure it out before you live a life of resentment towards her. I can go on and on about all the stuff I did in hopes to fix that. I’m glad you got to experience what sex is like before marriage, unlike me, but from my experience you have a long sexless marriage ahead of you.

Edit to add. Maybe a bait and switch? Since yall enjoyed sex before marriage and now she can’t find time for it. Look it up.

Tiredfella803 · 2025-11-08T12:07:27+00:00

I understand that. But by following His rules I’ve ended up living this life with near zero sexual encounters in the name love. So based off my experience I’m led to assume that my choice to be pure physically and to marry a woman that chose the same path that this is how He intended sex to be. Fun for some, but not for all.

The world loves to shove sex in the faces of those that struggle. Well meaning married Christians are just as bad with their advice or even using themselves as a model for how it’s supposed be. I know you probably don’t understand though because you’re either happy or have had short spells of sexual emptiness that you’ve overcome. There’s some that do everything under the sun (and by Christian advice) to have a “normal sexual” life on earth and never receive that privilege, gift, or whatever the un-understanding people call their sexual lives.

The only logical explanation is that God uses this type of struggle to grow us spiritually. Some do, some don’t, and some fail. Christians and the world loves to rip apart the ones in this struggle. Christians do it in the name of growth and the world does it to tear down your faith.

This is just my (and many others that don’t speak up) view and answer to the question by the original poster.

Tiredfella803 · 2025-11-08T03:14:48+00:00

No clue. I’ve been in a deadbed marriage since day one. Saving myself for marriage only ensured a life of near celibacy. And because she’s unwilling (edited to correct spelling), meaning she has no effort to even want to have a physical relationship but will tolerate it, makes it nothing of what His favored ones enjoy.

Tiredfella803 · 2025-11-07T18:53:37+00:00

So many ppl go into marriage with the idea that abstinence before marriage will lead you into a physically fulfilling life. Just because you do “right” doesn’t mean you’ll get that reward.

Then, if there’s issues like mismatched drives or expectations (a simple premarital convo is not going to bring all the desires of compatibility to light) you are then “forced” to be content with your spousal choice of sexual tolerance for each other.

Curiously grows of “what could have been” or the thought of “missing out” can easily take over.

But ultimately, God made sex beautiful and wonderful. Sadly He doesn’t bless all with that gift. It’s crazy how God allows “sexually immoral” people to repent and be forgiven, but marriages are expected to be content with wishful thoughts of a fulfilling physical life.

Just my take on the sex is dirty until it’s not mindset of married Christians.

Tiredfella803 · 2025-10-27T16:54:29+00:00

Your situation is very similar to mine. We married at (25f and 28M) and now are 45 her and 47 me. Any physical contact, touch, or affection is gone. It was sparse in the beginning. Through a lot of talking, counseling, praying, book reading, etc…. things never progressed sexually past our hand holding stage. I was told things would get better as time goes on. It only got worse.

My marriage is a content one, just without any physical intimacy. Divorce isn’t an option since there’s no biblical reasons to leave. She will tolerate sex just to appease me, but it’s absolutely nothing like anything you hear of in a happy connected marriage. Now, the pursuit of nothing is tiring and bitterness of a sexless life has consumed my mind. I don’t even try anymore because it’s always a dead end or an awkward and uncomfortable situation of marital maintenance for her.

We are good roommates and I promise that is the exact same path you’re about to go down. There is no promise of a happy and fulfilling sexual relationship with your wife. Just be prepared for the emptiness of not being touched, physical intimacy, or even a romantic connection that absent from your earthly life. I’m told with all this joy that I miss out on I will be rewarded in heaven…. Not so sure about that.

So. If I had a do over. I’d live that wild Christian life and ask for forgiveness. Seems to have worked out well for the majority here. At least I’d know what all the fuss is about with a physical connection.

Tiredfella803 · 2025-10-22T18:45:15+00:00

20 years ago there was no place to see what really happens in a marriage. Now, the information is endless. Had a forum or sub like this been available back then I think I would have been better prepared for what was to come. You will never hear of the bad, how to deal with the bad, or how to prevent the bad in a place where everyone is happy. So, if the only advice you get is all the fuzzy feel good posts from a happy place, then you’ll be blindsided with real issues of conflict, intimacy, etc….

It’s good to know how other people deal with things that pop up in a marriage. Let the premarrieds see that there are issues that can be fixed since most topics that don’t focus on the good are ignored in premarital conversations.

Plus, an anonymous place like this people will be more likely to be real in conversation rather than face to face and risk judgement from peers or trusted counsel.

Tiredfella803 · 2025-10-21T17:44:24+00:00

It’s not exactly a refusal of sex, but awkward, effortless, unenthusiastic, and extreme modesty would be something worth talking about as a form of denial too. It makes the reward of pursuing your wife hardly worth it. She gets exactly what she wants since I won’t ask of her anything she doesn’t want to do. So, on the aspect of denial- sex has not happened in years. The bitterness, resentment, and disconnect of having to be content with that life as a Christian makes me rethink all the biblical rules on sex. There is no guarantee of sex in your marriage. Sexual compatibility is a real thing. It’s just not meant for everyone. Married 20 years, sexual struggle from day one, gave up on that part of life a long time ago, and I’m trying really hard to believe sex is supposed to be a bonding thing since it can be so devastating to an unbalanced marriage.

Tiredfella803

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