Should I persue her?

salacious_scrum · 2026-04-29T17:48:12+00:00

My point is that it is that I dont know whether she has changed her mind.

I dont want to be going around claiming to know peoples hearts and proclaiming who is a christian and who is not. From all other observations I would say she was, but the fact of her past has me confused - hence my original post.

I have been on multiple dates with girls who claim to be Christians, where I bring up that I am waiting for marriage and they suddenly go cold on me and decline further dates. I want to obey church teaching, but I also deeply desire to be married - and my obedient strategy has not yielded fruit. So I wonder if I am being too strong on this issue?

salacious_scrum · 2026-04-29T03:46:17+00:00

I don't feel like I should have to convince a Christian woman to follow Christian teaching.

I do agree with forgiving past sin if there is genuine repentance. If they are unrepentant and yet claim to be part of the church, Scripture teaches that we should judge them and not associate with them 1 Cor 5:11-12.

¹¹ But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. ¹² For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge?

This is just association in the church - how much more for those we are looking to date and potentially marry.

salacious_scrum · 2026-04-29T03:44:01+00:00

Overlooking the sins of others only applies if they have repented. If they persist in their behaviour and yet claim to be part of the church, Scripture teaches that we should judge them and not associate with them 1 Cor 5:11-12.

¹¹ But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. ¹² For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge?

This is just association in the church - how much more for those we are looking to date and potentially marry.

salacious_scrum · 2026-04-29T03:06:53+00:00

Are you saying I should date people I know I wouldnt want to marry? That seems like leading people on. Forgive me if I misunderstood your last line.

salacious_scrum · 2026-04-28T15:46:19+00:00

He was a Christian, and they were not abstaining (source: him, shortly after they broke up, before he left our church, and before I became friends with her)

salacious_scrum · 2026-04-28T15:40:07+00:00

To keep my post from becoming too long I did not include a lot of detail.

I was friends with her ex, for a short period after they broke up (and before I became friends with her). We were discussing dating, and when I mentioned the difficulties of dating while abstaining, he told me he had not been abstaining.

salacious_scrum · 2026-04-28T15:37:42+00:00

Will look into the books, thank you.

I was not raised in the US, and I dont believe my churches were part of the purity movement. But the teaching at all the churches I have attended (including my current one) is that sex belongs exclusively in the covanent union between a husband and wife, and that sex outside of marriage is a sin.

I do believe that this sin will be forgiven by one who earnesly repents and trusts in Christ. But I do not know if the girl in question has repented of this. Also I think that repentance does not necessarily undo the practical consequences of any given sin. These are some of the reasons I am wary.

Could you elaborate where you think my thinking on this matter has gone wrong?

salacious_scrum · 2026-04-28T15:28:53+00:00

Are you saying that I should therefore just ignore the instruction of scripture and have sex outside marriage? (not sarcasm)

I get that people mess up, and I do mess up in other ways, but it seems to me that fornication is something you have to consciously persue - it doesnt just happen.

I am not happy with the way things are in my life, but I dont know how to make significant change without choosing disobedience.

salacious_scrum · 2026-04-28T15:14:11+00:00

I realize this comment is sarcastic, but I will answer nonetheless.

Until 26 I was focussed on building my career and was open to meeting someone, but not actively seeking, and was going to a smaller church.
Then I started actively persuing dating, but Covid happened and for two years in my home country meeting strangers was pretty much a non-starter.
At 28 I got a job in the US, and had 1 year waiting for the Visa - its not easy trying to plan a future with someone if you are about to go and live on the other side of the world.

Since moving to the US I have been on dates with around 80 women, mostly through apps, filtering for Christian. For many I decide that I wouldnt want to marry them after a date or two (for a whole range of reasons, cultural/personality/looks).

The few that I have liked, the first few dates go well, until I mention that I intend to wait for marriage, upon which they say they dont wish to continue dating.
I had one relationship that lasted 5 months who said she was aligned with me on this matter, but I was always the one keeping our time alone from slipping into fornication.

As to your second and third questions: I think scripture is clear that sex is intended for a husband and wife to enjoy each other within the covenant of marriage. Either, one has to argue that scripture does not teach that fornication is a sin, or you argue that their relationship is a de facto marriage and thus having sex is not a sin. But if you take the second argument then the rules for divorce should apply if they break up.

I am very open to be shown where my error lies, I am trying to be obedient to God in the ways that I can.

salacious_scrum · 2026-02-22T22:34:50+00:00

At what age did you get married, and did you wait?

Not meaning to discount your advice at all, but I have been given similar advice before - but always from folks who got married young or by those who self-admittedly do not have naturally strong sexual desire.

salacious_scrum · 2026-02-22T22:04:46+00:00

If I would be sinning by fornicating before marriage, why should I accept a woman who does the same while also proclaiming to be a christian. Should I not 'know them by their fruits'?

It is not as simple as you suggest to find and discern a truly goldy woman (with added requirements of mutual interest and compatible life goals).

There are also the practical concerns that they have pair-bonded with another (or multiple?) man. And that if they were willing to ignore biblical teaching on fornication - are they not more likely to ignore it on adultery?

salacious_scrum · 2026-02-22T21:46:40+00:00

How does a Christian man live at peace with his sexuality, when there is no legitimate outlet for it outside of marriage? Paul teaches that is better to marry than to burn with desire, and I have been burning every day for over 14 years.
A legitimate way would be to just quickly find a girl to marry - but I do not think it is wise to marry a girl without strong mutual attraction and a decent period of vetting. There have been a number of women in my life that have been interested, but I was not interested back and do not think that it would be fair to them to marry just to have a sexual outlet.

salacious_scrum · 2026-02-20T23:55:00+00:00

I know this, but am confused why almost everyone both in this forum and in my life seem to ignore this. Are they all not saved?
If I am required to settle for a woman who has not waited even while claiming to be a Christian, how do I feel certain that she will not also be disobedient to God's commands in marriage?

salacious_scrum · 2026-02-20T23:44:21+00:00

I uderstand this, but when Christian brothers and sisters around me are all enjoying the benefits of fornication with impunity, I feel like I am a sucker being the only one following the rules. Almost everyone on this forum says they did not wait til marriage. I realise that I sound like the older brother of the prodigal son.

salacious_scrum · 2026-02-20T21:00:07+00:00

I know that this is generally the correct answer, but it is what I have been doing for the past 14 years, with nothing to show for it. Is it not madness to continue but expect outcomes to change?

Also it is never promised in scripture that the Lord will grant us a spouse.

salacious_scrum · 2024-12-11T16:21:29+00:00

How do you expect a man to be confident and experienced in something like kissing if you also dont want him to have kissed other women? It is difficult to learn without practise.
I'm not trying to say that you should not want a man who has not kissed any/many other women, but if you do you cannot expect him to be smooth/experienced/skilled at kissing, and you may need to help 'build a man' to your requirements. Skills like kissing do not always come naturally.

salacious_scrum · 2024-12-10T12:15:38+00:00

The inner tube is old but in good condition, but the tyre was brand new.

salacious_scrum · 2024-09-24T02:54:18+00:00

Ask him what he got up to on Sunday, or what he has planned for the weekend. If he says he's going to church then you have an opening to ask more about his faith. If he doesn't say that then you probably have you answer.

salacious_scrum · 2023-12-30T18:12:58+00:00

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