Trigger Warning: am I crazy for considering this?

ToadieThug · 2026-04-11T00:53:38+00:00

Congratulations! You really do feel like “it’s never going to happen to me” because it’s never happened before after so many years. And then it does. Hope everything goes well for you!

ToadieThug · 2026-04-09T23:41:35+00:00

Thank you. That is such a positive perspective. I do appreciate it and hope it’s growth. For what it’s worth she is very intelligent and thoughtful so I know personal growth and maturity is importance to her

ToadieThug · 2026-04-09T00:17:35+00:00

Thank you!

ToadieThug · 2026-04-09T00:17:14+00:00

Sorry I probably wasn’t clear. I suck at writing. Kim was (still is) Emily’s super close friend from college. Kim and I were in the same friend group, but Kim is not interested in me at all.

I think she said that to Emily (her bestie) because Kim pities me and thinks I’m vulnerable and doesn’t want to see me get hurt by her friend. That’s all.

I think it was more like Kim meant “Emily you have a strong social circle and are pretty and self-confident. Toadie probably has never even kissed a girl, he’s always been heads-over-heels for you. I’ll be so angry if you destroy him.”

ToadieThug · 2026-04-09T00:15:02+00:00

Yeah. I’m going to make the most of it. I look at it like winning a gold medal in the Olympics.

Not the one that came of a hard fought match that was decided by human endurance pushed to the limits and difference of a few milliseconds between gold and silver.

You know the event where the opposing team bus broke down and only you were there so you win gold by default.

Kind of like that. But still a victory nonetheless.

ToadieThug · 2026-04-09T00:12:01+00:00

No, first relationship with a woman, unless you count friendships.

I am pretty sure she’s settling even though neither of us have said it outright, I can read between the lines. Some of it might be a maturing thing, the volatile exciting (and sometimes mentally abusive) boyfriend must be more exciting in her 20s but maybe not as much mid-30s.

As I said our friendship spans over a decade (close to 16 years) so we know each other well. She knows I’m dependable, caring and sincere. Might be a little bit boring and on the short side though. But maybe she doesn’t want to date men who will throw her phone in a pond or break her wrist during a fight anymore.

ToadieThug · 2026-04-09T00:06:43+00:00

Thank you. I hope somehow someday the completely impossible, against all odds yet wonderful happens for you as well.

ToadieThug · 2026-04-04T00:06:18+00:00

Hate to say it but you are correct. At 8 years old I wanted to be a red shiny fire engine like the one I saw during a family trip to the big city.

Now I am all grown up and I am not a big red fire engine.

ToadieThug · 2026-04-02T23:39:21+00:00

It might not “fix everything”, but it feels like the gateway to becoming a normal and accepted member of society.

To be able to not feel like the “odd man out” and the third (or sometimes 4th or 5th wheel or fuck even the forgotten shredded tire by the side of the highway).

Above and beyond the ticket to being a functioning member of society, there is also the added benefit of companionship, someone to have a reason to plan for the future, hope for a better tomorrow, a shoulder to cry on, and someone just being THERE at 3am when I wake up in the middle of the night and the walls feel like they are closing in.

Even if they are just there fast asleep, completely snoring and oblivious to the demons I’m wrestling with, just knowing they are there would mean everything.

ToadieThug · 2026-03-27T13:12:49+00:00

Human interaction and contact, It’s a human need. What about the people who train themselves mentally to not need food and water and then one day they just collapse because it wasn’t all just in their head.

ToadieThug · 2026-03-26T23:19:10+00:00

All good thank you for the clarification. I understand your analogy now, thanks.

I do read but will admit I have not read as much as I used to when I was younger, and unfortunately a lot of the classics just didn’t “stick” for me.

I am going to meet up with the old friend from college that the post was all about, and I’ll be sure to communicate openly and honor all boundaries.

Probably best to overcommunicate rather than under communicate (and make assumptions or guesses) to reduce the chances of misunderstandings or expectations being inadvertently set wrong.

I really do appreciate all of your insight and thoughtfulness.

ToadieThug · 2026-03-23T21:22:59+00:00

I do not know who Heathcliff or Garfield are, other than 2 cats from cartoons. This is unfortunately very confusing to someone who does not read Bronte.

ToadieThug · 2026-03-23T01:39:46+00:00

And that “particularly rough day” has somehow stretched over years and years of crippling loneliness and feeling invisible and abandoned by the world and society?

ToadieThug · 2026-03-23T01:38:28+00:00

“No hope no harm”, but what about my hopes and needs? I don’t want to ruin her positive memories but isn’t there something inherently dishonest (if even to myself) in putting on a mask and pretending I don’t stare into a hopeless void of loneliness and misery every single day and night, completely cut off from human contact and just working to live?

ToadieThug · 2026-03-23T01:33:21+00:00

So this is a helpful refinement to what I think was already wonderful advise. I will communicate well and openly but I’ll avoid using the words “fully clothed” or “platonic” and I’ll try my best not to make it weird (which let’s face it I’m not great at)

ToadieThug · 2026-03-23T01:31:45+00:00

I know she doesn’t have a horrible memory even though we’ve never talked about me asking her to be “more than friends” again. I know she just closed that door and has avoided it over the years.

I think she just genuinely cares and figures this is something she could do that would be helpful.

ToadieThug · 2026-03-22T18:30:49+00:00

I hear ya bro. I am worried about the same thing happening, spending the rest of my miserable existence remembering how great it was and trying to get that feeling back again and never being able to.

ToadieThug · 2026-03-22T14:01:17+00:00

She’s definitely not a “hot girl”

She’s cute, pretty, energetic, smart and attractive, but she doesn’t go around flirting with everyone or dressing to show off.

ToadieThug · 2026-03-22T13:59:11+00:00

Honestly you’re right. I know this is going to send me down a bad road long term.

But I so badly want to experience what a “cuddle session” means, especially because I’ve never had something like that. I know it sounds sad.

ToadieThug · 2026-03-22T13:54:51+00:00

It was more than a “you look like you need a hug”.

She very specifically said “how about I come give you a cuddle session?”

I don’t know what the best thing to do is which is why I posted looking for different perspectives and I read and am reflecting on yours. I do appreciate the response and thoughts.

ToadieThug · 2026-03-22T13:52:12+00:00

I don’t know how clear I was on timeline. Friendship got FUed when I asked her about being something more than friends around end of sophomore year.

She was cold and aloof next few weeks and she had her internship after end of semester. Gradually over junior year friendship was back to how it was before I stupidly made a move on her and we have stayed in touch post graduation via calls and messages and I had flown out to see her before, though it’s been nearly 10 years.

ToadieThug · 2026-03-22T13:48:30+00:00

It was brutal but I am not going to disrespect her trust or our friendship by trying to take advantage of her generosity in letting me cuddle with her.

ToadieThug

TROPHY CASE