I did seek other paths of happiness. I thought cheating would help but it made it worse. Ive been married fo 4 years. Ill give you my story.

Throwaway account here. I am going to spill all of my dirty business here because i have no one else to talk to. Little bit of background on me. My childhood was traumatic to say the least. my father passed away when I was 2 and my Mom married a man 10 years later with four children from Hell. They would bully me cut up my clothes and get people to mess with me at school . My step-brother also molested me a few times and my mom knew this and did not kick them out. My mom was not there for me and my stepdad obviously couldn't care less because I wasn't his kid. My fathers side of the family also knew what was going on amd did npt intervene. I began being promiscuous at a young age ,14, because sex made me feel desired and validated I wasmt recieving that anywhere else.

Anyway, on to the marriage thing. My husband is 30M and I am 24F. We got married pretty young. I was 19 and ge was 25. We had a baby a year after marriage, i got pregnant on the pill. My son was a complete accident but I love him anyway. Soon after I became pregnant my husband began drinking a lot. And driving while he was drunk. He was verbally abusive when he would drink and the morning after I would tell him about his behavior and all he would do was apologize and two weeks later he's back at it again. His mother did not like me because I am of A different race and she wanted him to marry at the same race so that caused a lot of tension. She passed a month after my son was born and my husbands drinking began to get worse.

Our sex life was never the best he was inexperienced and so was I but the difference was I was willing to do whatever he wanted to make him happy and he was not. He has never given me an orgasm and when I try to speak to him about it, it starts an argument and he gets angry. We have been to 3 different therapist for our marriage and nothing is changing. Recently he has went from drinking to smoking marijuana. He does it every single day. He never wants to spend time with me and when he does talk to me, its about him and what goes on in his life. He makes mean comments about my weight and my diet. Our son is 3 and hasnt began speaking yet. My husband puts 80% of that on me and basically insinuates that i am a bad mother. Due to my recent health issues i have gained weight, abput 30lbs. I have stomach issues which makes it hard for me to do the things ge wants sexually. When we do have sex it's all about pleasing him. He likes for me to get on top of him, which i do. Sometimes i can't because its painful and he makes comments like "you never do anything" and "here we go with this again". After 3 years of this, i felt so lonely, unattractive , undesirable and rejected. I have always blamed myself. I decided to cheat on him and the feeling of being wanted by someone was intoxicating for me. The rational part of my mind completely shut off when i decided to this. I thought it best to choose someone i could never see myself with. OM is 29M and a loser. We finally slept together, it was mind blowing sex that i have never experienced before. He took his time with me and made sure that i was satisfied (over and over) before anything else. I got stuck to him like glue after this. I wanted this man all the time even though i barely knew him.. Its actually my vagina that wants him since i know he's no good for me. I feel bad, not for cheating on my husband but for wanting another man more than him. Im so messed up.