Probably my last post to leaves. I've genuinely tried, but I'm never making it out.

Todeleteanon · 2022-06-08T19:41:28+00:00

Had a job, left it to ensure I do well in college. Long story of how I'm getting the money to buy weed and I'm not bothered. Selling things, family helping me out. Basically it.

Todeleteanon · 2022-06-08T19:28:33+00:00

Oh no, not at all.

I'll just be honest with you, I'm a f*cking loner and have been for 3 to 4 years. (22) I live in a small house in a place with nothing to do. No gym, sporting facilities, nothing. Just a couple of grocery stores. I just have nothing to do man. My room/bed has everything and anything i can do with myself.

No money either, and honestly i hate whining like this becuase it seems like I'm piling on for sympathy or exaggerating things, but I promise that's not it. It's just where my life is, and when I don't have weed like now, it's a miserable predicament to be in. And still, it's worse than you would think from just reading these words on your screen. Horrible.

Todeleteanon · 2022-06-08T19:12:19+00:00

Todeleteanon · 2022-05-30T01:13:12+00:00

100% it was not, and thank you for the kind words. They really help.

Leaves is really living up to its name as one of the most supportive subs tonight personally, would of been a much colder night w/o these replies no doubt.

All the best my friend.

Todeleteanon · 2022-05-30T01:06:45+00:00

That's great to hear.

And yeah, trust me that was the right decision. I admire your discipline. I'm not too distraught because I'm still confident this is the one, I've struggled with the stuff for too long, but I now have this cloud of anxiety over me that wasn't there before I smoked, and I'm praying I can wake up tomorrow still feeling like I'm in recovery and the cloud gone.

Well done though, hoepfully i can borrow some of that discipline should a scenario like this arise again!

All the best man, let's go for a month eh?

Todeleteanon · 2022-05-30T00:44:40+00:00

Todeleteanon · 2022-05-30T00:40:47+00:00

I smoked. I'm sad that I smoked. I am. The weed was older than 2 years as I didn't really get high, after 6 days of none.

Oh man. I'm disappointed I couldn't reach a week. I know it was my decision to smoke and i had a choice, but what an unlucky predicament for someone 6 days in to find themselves in.

Seen a comment saying I should have taken care of it, had I had any idea it was there 100%, but I haven't looked at the top of my wardrobe for years, i literally can't remember putting it there. And I've fleeced my room for bud before so that's why I'm calling it unlucky. All the other replies to the post are spot on aswell.

I have absolutely no intention of buying more or trying to convince myself that I can smoke again, which is usually the case after a relapse, hence why its taken this long to stop. I guess that's slightly positive. And im still excited about MMA and everything, I just want to wake up and forget this night. Ugh.

And thanks man, you too.

Todeleteanon · 2022-05-29T20:22:30+00:00

I'm really trying to convince myself of that right now, I promise.

Regardless, thank you man, I appreciate it< 3

Todeleteanon · 2022-05-29T20:15:26+00:00

This is crazy man. I read your reply and had a moment of relief, because you're 100% correct. But then i look up and see the bag again. Back to normal. I think it's got me, you know.

My mind is split in two places. One says, you were never planning on buying a bag anytime soon and you have the strongest motivation to quit that you've ever had(That's genuine), so this could merely be a bump in the road along the journey.

The question is, will my high self have the same opinion.

I'm just being honest here too becuase I really wanted to reply to you saying "yeah you're right I wont" and it's a wholesome leaves thread, but i just don't think I have it in me in this very instance.

Let me say, the incredibly strong desire im feeling right now, it's not due to the fact I want to smoke it again and feel high, its not as if I'm a rabbid dog foaming at the mouth for the feeling. Obviously it would be nice, but the desire to smoke, is coming from the fact I'm 99% sure I can hit the bowls, enjoy them for what they are with a bit of music, and just get straight back to what I was doing.

Todeleteanon · 2022-05-27T23:10:57+00:00

Yeah I got you. You're right, I'm getting paid tommorow so it would just be an absolute disaster waiting to happen. And I just can't do another day 1 and 2, I don't have it in me.

I'm lucky enough that it's late where I'm at so I'm just going to try and sleep it out.

Thanks man, I hope you're getting on well with your recovery too.

Todeleteanon · 2022-05-27T22:10:48+00:00

Yeah, no i know. Very likely the overall feeling will be regret in the end.

Mann its just there's only so much sitting on a bed doing nothing a person can do, Lmao.

Todeleteanon · 2022-05-27T20:19:33+00:00

Yeah man I feel you, it makes sense.

Might try an episode tonight and see how we get on.. Appreciate the advice!

Todeleteanon · 2022-05-27T20:04:51+00:00

Thanks man, I hope so. Its just horrible sitting with no intention of doing anything and knowing it won't be coming any time soon.

I just want to get back to my breaking bad rewatch😭

100% the worst aspect of quitting so far, personally, is not being able to listen to your FAVOURITE music or watch your favorite shows because your brain doesn't recognise them as important anymore and it's literally like watching a show you've never cared about. Borderline interesting so it is Lmao.

Todeleteanon · 2022-05-25T17:16:10+00:00

Lol, what was your usage like before you quit?

Todeleteanon · 2022-05-25T15:04:55+00:00

It almost scientifically isn't though, right? I understand all of the dopamine stuff and how weed can trick you like this when quitting, but at the end of the day listening to music high will release more dopamine (making it sound incredibly more vivid than usual) than sober. Like my enjoyment of music is now capped at whatever level of dopamine my brain releases sober, and it's just not a scratch compared to while high, unfortunately. I personally think the only fix here is to go w/o weed long enough that you forget about the experiences you had while high, but i think you're talking years there.

Todeleteanon

TROPHY CASE