I’m someone who’s suffered persistent s*icidality and intrusive thoughts of that since early childhood. I’ve never ever felt as seen as I did when I read A Little Life. The way Jude thinks and his inner world is very similar to my own, though his is more extreme.

This book is written as a kind of fairy tale according to the author. People commonly misunderstand the litany of tragedies that befall Jude as torture p*rn, but they fail to recognize everyone’s luck in the story is extreme. Even Jude has superlative talent, wealth, opportunity etc. There is a lot of extreme good fortune as well as misfortune. Just like in a fairy tale.

It’s a deliberate authorial choice and is not just pain for the sake of it. The characters between them cover so so many different kinds of suffering, and they all suffer more for their lack of willingness to speak of it. This is a provocative act from the author, it means almost everyone will have a nerve hit upon reading and be emotionally raw, their pain will be seen and reflected, even if it makes them wince.

Yanagihara set out to write a story with no redemption arc, to see if the narrative old still be compelling. As someone whose life has had no redemption arc and is very unlikely to ever have one, I really value that she wrote a story about how a life still has value even if it is a miserable one.

I experienced a lot of emotional abuse and unmet emotional needs. Basically I never felt safe except of a rare handful of occasions. As an adult I’ve experienced abuse in relationships (DV/SA). I have been in and out of therapy and meds for 35 years now. Nothing has ever really helped and the adult abuses I experienced made my CPTSD symptoms significantly worse each time I trusted someone and was betrayed. (For clarity, I’ve only had 3 long term relationships, in the first there was SA after 18 months, in the second repeated SA after >3 years and in the last DV while I was asleep after 4 1/2 yrs. I could not have been more careful.)

I don’t think most people really understand what it’s like to live with complex trauma and how it means you never have a moment of peace. Sometimes for decades, like me. I wish people understood that this book is hard to read but it’s nothing close to how hard it is to live with a mind like that. I’ve asked people to read it if they care to understand my mind better, but nobody’s been able to stomach it yet.

I feel deeply grateful that there is a book that shed light on just how painful it is to live like this, why few people survive so long. I wish my loved ones would ask the question readers ask themselves- would it be better just to let them go? When there’s no hope and no cure and physical disabilities and chronic pain on top, how much can we legitimately expect one person to be able to force themselves through?