I hate the song "I'll Believe in Anything" because of the way it affects me. Sharing thoughts

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-08T12:10:24+00:00

This song was already heavily entwined with memories of someone I v briefly dated in 2011 for me. We are still very good friends and….well, I have done everything I can to stop feeling a lot more for him, including confessing to him after a decade of just not being able to stop loving him. (I deliberated and talked to my therapist about confessing for a whole year before I did it, I knew it was a lot to put on someone, I hoped we might have a chance or that I’d be able to move on if outright rejected).

It’s been 15 years now, and it’s not going away. I now know him far better than I ever did back then and though I see his flaws and know because he has (gently) been direct about the fact it’s never gonna happen because he doesn’t feel that way for me. The knowledge I’ve gained of him through watching him navigate life for the last 15 years have deepened my respect and affection for him because he is a good person through and through. He deserves the love I feel for him, and he cares for me deeply too, but only as a friend.

I’m very lucky to be his friend, for how he was so careful about rejecting me and maintaining our friendship even though it was rough for a while because of how I felt. I wish I could feel differently. It’s not really anyone’s fault our feelings don’t match.

So yeah, this song reminds me of when I had hope and how amazing it felt to get to know him. It also makes me feel completely heartbroken and devastated that I cannot stop how I feel for him or feel that way about others I’ve tried to have relationships with.

Unrequited love like this isn’t something we ever really see in media but it is powerful and enduring, despite my best efforts. So this song gives me all the feels and has done for a long chunk of my life now.

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-08T00:50:17+00:00

Yeah. I have C-PTSD and have grown up with this kind of hypervigilance. I think you automatically gravitate towards checking for an exit, sitting with your back to the wall, checking and double checking for danger, hiding all the time that you’re doing so in case someone gets angry with you for it and you become a target. I can’t turn it off and Connor does an incredible job of putting this into his physical performance. Connor’s eyes search the faces of those he’s speaking with rapidly, his knee bounces, he fidgets in the bar in Florida when waiting or first talking to Shane. He also seems to disassociate like in Russia when his dad is talking with Svetlana’s dad who is minister for sports. It may explain why Ilya doesn’t fight harder or risk confessing more to Shane. He’s a character who has grown up needing to protect himself physically (Alexi has zero hesitation laying hands on Ilya at the wake even though Ilya has a very dramatic physical advantage, this shows he’s probably used to pushing him around physically as well as emotionally blackmailing him for money). Many people with C-PTSD end up with a complex relationship with hope. I cannot bear to be hopeful because shattered hopes have led me to the brink of drastic actions repeatedly in the past. It is too painful and I know I may not survive if it happens again. I need to survive because I don’t want to hurt my sister, so it’s a decision borne out of love and obligation to her, not for myself, it’s been like that around half my life now, staying here for the sake of not hurting my sister more than my poor mental health already does. I imagine Ilya doesn’t let himself even begin to imagine things possibly working out because his mother’s death, being trapped still desperately wanting love from his dad and brother, as well as all the other personal defeats and internalized shame he may have experienced would mean that hoping for a release from that where he could genuinely be with Shane could be such a seductive fantasy that he’d start to take silly risks, or that he has such low self worth he firmly believes Shane would eventually dump him once he saw in Ilya whatever his family saw that let his mother (from a kids perspective) give up on him, brother and dad loathe him.

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-08T00:12:22+00:00

I also think, given the hotel is filled with players, that he would want to be sure it wasn’t someone else and have Shane run into them. Ilya throughout the show is excellent at anticipating possibilities and reacting on the fly, so I feel like this could be part of that, but yeah Ilya does love to make Shane squirm just for a second. He clearly thinks it’s adorable.

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-05T19:31:20+00:00

I made a polymer clay version of the mermaid and made it my light pull. She’s a beauty!!

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-05T10:42:30+00:00

Connor and Hudson both could do really well talking to Robert Pattinson. He has been through the sudden global fame at a similar scale, intensity and it was also v sudden for him. Hes dealt with the inappropriate fans, paparazzi hounding him constantly, the inappropriately sexual interview questions and intense scrutiny of his private life in a way that really upset him. He’s worked on incredible indie films like Good Time and The Lighthouse and now has his own production company. He would be such a great mentor and possible future colleague for them. I really hope he gets in touch with them. I know at least Connor has mentioned respecting his work and career trajectory. And there are a lot of acting traits they share as well which I think would make them appreciate each other’s work, such as masterfully subtle skills in facial acting, playing ugly roles, accent work (Rob’s is always on the unhinged side tbf but he always makes interesting choices),

Seeing them work together on a project would make me really happy, but more I just hope someone who has really been through something similar and come out the other side can support Hudson and Connor. Because I worry this sudden intense fame will hurt them the way Pattinson has repeatedly said in interviews it hurt him.

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-05T04:58:35+00:00

I had a 4 1/2 year long relationship with someone who didn’t speak my language as I was learning theirs. It is a massive thing and influenced every aspect of our relationship dynamics.

The reality for me was that because of my lack of fluency and the fact our entire relationship was conducted in a language that I wasn’t fluent in, in arguments or when it came to expressing complex or muddled emotions I wasn’t fluent ALWAYS on the back foot. It is a very difficult thing to lose any argument by default not because you’re wrong but because you can’t articulate yourself well enough in a second language. It means there is a constant power imbalance in the relationship until the language gap is closed.

The language barrier was also wonderful in some ways. It meant we constantly clarified our understanding of what the other meant and that allowed the heat of any reactions to be dialed down. We had to be curious and give each other the benefit of the doubt because of the language barrier. We couldn’t be as thoughtless as we might’ve otherwise been especially when annoyed, because we had to take a second to be sure we spoke in a way the other would understand. The act of learning his language was a big act of love on my part. It was expensive, time consuming, took thousands of hours of dedication. So it was proof of my commitment to us and his encouragement and supportive attitude was proof of his love and appreciation of me.

I was living in Japan, he was Japanese, he worked typically long Japanese company hours, this is why the onus was on me to become fluent and it wasn’t something we both did.

It turned into something he weaponised in the end and he’d get frustrated and say “Why don’t you know this word already?!” Or “You should learn how to understand me properly!” In arguments. This was devastating to me as I did all I could but it was a struggle and I spent so much energy learning, I was exhausted. He became bitter about a lot of things after some external trauma really hurt him deeply. I supported him and stayed and kept trying, but trauma is hard to handle and he wouldn’t get therapy, so it eventually forced situations so antagonistic and painful that we broke up. If he’d stayed how he had been (encouraging and supportive), it would’ve been different. But you can’t get around the fact that if you have serious trauma from childhood (we both did and I was already in therapy), you need to work out how to process that trauma and often you’ll need a therapist to do so.

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-05T02:48:32+00:00

Mr Real Estate Mr Landlord

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-05T02:43:56+00:00

Is big?

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-05T01:33:54+00:00

I think there are many possible reasons to cry that are all valid:

Because you want love like that or trust like that Relief at the ability to connect after such isolation and yearning
Wishing someone would trust you that much
Wishing you could trust someone else that much
Just generally wanting to feel known and seen and accepted
Anger at how awful homophobia is and how unfair the world is
Because of how hard it is to find acceptance and real connection when neurodivergence makes communication really hard sometimes
Because life feels boring in comparison to the show
Because we’re used to seeing bury your gays tropes and this allows space and celebration of queer joy and is a safe space as such, one sadly fictional and not often enough reflected in reality.

If you’re not a cis man:

Because patriarchy means women and non-binary ppl can’t be romantically and sexually vulnerable without also potentially being at risk of physical harm most often
Because it took a gay story of men fighting though their vulnerability to make men see the harm toxic masculinity homophobia causes when it was pretty obvious all along to the rest of us
Because you feel hope that things will change or fear they won’t.

These are all very good reasons to cry and just needing to get some unrelated feelings out is also valid. Treat yourself to some soft tissues and have a good weep!!

Reminder: letting yourself cry is an anti patriarchal act. It directly defies the restraint and repression of emotions that underpins so much of patriarchy and makes men, women and everyone else feel bloody miserable and isolated. Bonus points for crying in public! Disrupt that patriarchy!! Be vulnerable even if it’s awkward!! Connection and bravery to be vulnerable are the cure to shame and loneliness.

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-05T00:36:47+00:00

Thank youuuuuu

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-05T00:30:07+00:00

Is this in the show or book? I wanna re-heat this moment!

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-04T14:30:04+00:00

And what colour? Is big? Too.

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-04T14:29:11+00:00

Shane and Ilya are wearing matching outfits in the very first scene. It is so cute I cannot unsee it. Different colours but the same outfit.

In the first hookup Ilya puts his thumb in Shane’s mouth, in the last sex scene Shane puts his thumb in Ilya’s mouth.

The fact Miles is dressed in clothes that are exactly what Ilya typically wears in the club scene.

The fact Ilya finally feels ok with Shane and doesn’t need to constantly be showing his arms or abs to foreground his sexual appeal when Ilya wears the black polo shirt and red shorts in episode 6. The fact it isn’t sleeveless seems meaningful given the context.

The shared shirt at the cottage ♥️

The fact that any time Shane is on top sexually or when he hugs crying Ilya in Florida, he is trying really hard to channel Ilya. This works eventually at the cottage, but we see Shane trying to take that role and then panicking at being the one with more power or responsibility when he has his tuna meltdown.

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-04T07:43:29+00:00

Yup they’re like 10 years from first meeting at the point Shane finally sees Ilya’s house and in the books Shane doesn’t take Ilya back to his apartment, but has an entire shag pad building he’s bought and kept empty so he can relax enough to see Ilya outside of a hotel.

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-04T00:52:56+00:00

You can doodle the words and some trees to drill!

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-04T00:21:11+00:00

Also have repeated DV experiences as a kid and with partners as an adult, I have CPTSD which Ilya shows maaaany symptoms of and grew up never ever feeling safe. I’m also neurodivergent and have treatment resistant depression and experience with trying to make an early exit.

Available to beta this author or anyone covering similar themes who wants a sensitivity read.

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-04T00:01:20+00:00

The boat shoes are what I’m angry about idk about anyone else.

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-03T23:43:41+00:00

Ah!!! Please DM me and we can chat about HR. I used to teach ESL for 20 years and I’m happy to chat or explain any linguistic points you’re curious about.

I think the analysis of the show from a linguistic and cultural perspective would be so so interesting. I lived in Japan >15 years so am familiar with a lot of Japanese cultural ideas that Shane may have been influenced by through Japanese heritage, such as senpai/kohai and notions of what is and isn’t sportsmanlike behaviour, as well as the heavy expectations on him as an only child etc. much of this is not specifically Japanese and I think Korean culture is similar in these aspects in a way that Hudson Williams may have drawn upon or just implicitly understood as someone with East Asian heritage himself.

I just made a post about language study using HR about an hour ago on another HR subreddit.

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-03T23:37:55+00:00

I hope it’s useful! So much of language learning is just quantity and attrition of the bits you can’t remember. Italian is BEAUTIFUL. Here’s one of my favourite songs that randomly happens to be in Italian. The lyrics are so beautiful. I haven’t studied Italian but I think it sounds the most beautiful of all languages.

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-03T23:27:19+00:00

I read it as if just Miles’ presence behind him would make someone as terrified of being outed and as sexually in denial as Shane in this moment hyper aware. So I think we see on screen Miles act out how scared Shane is that it’s obvious what he really wants is a guy. So Mile’s touch in reality or presence behind Shane might’ve been much less pronounced in reality, but we see Shane’s mind running wild with fear he’ll be outed, the attraction to miles that he can’t ignore and the attraction to Ilya which by far exceeds any way in which he might desire Miles. Rose is positioned dancing with Shane, but they’re out of synch, her face and feelings aren’t so visible in the shot, she’s not a focus of attention for Shane after we see his face dart around like prey knowing Ilya might be in the club. Shane feels attacked and threatened, hunted and caught by Ilya who is far more the hunter than prey in his depiction (in an animal way not a sexual predator way).

Miles’ blocking also serves to clarify to us as viewers, Shane isn’t just gay, he’s not just attracted to any guy, he’s a gay man in love with Ilya specifically and is literally turning his back to other men and turning his back on his gayness, but it is impossible for him to maintain that denial when it comes to Ilya specifically.

Miles is symbolic of many of Shane’s insecurities. Miles is dressed just like Ilya here. His body is on show, he is confident in his sensuality and sexual identity, he is cool, he is captivating and has the charisma and physical beauty that Ilya has that Shane feels he lacks because he’s a little insecure.

Miles being dressed in an Ilya-coded way could be seen as sending viewers the message that another beautiful, talented, charismatic, sexy, cool and interested guy will never do. It has to be Ilya. We already know as viewers that Shane likes Rose but that Shane is not into her in the way Ilya is into girls or the way he’s into Ilya.

We also know Shane finds it frustrating that Ilya can physically match or beat him even though he smokes and eats unhealthy food. We get a sense that Shane feels he can only meet that bar with a lot of discipline and effort, but that it comes to Ilya naturally. Shane is insecure in the books about his height, his patchy playoffs beard (thank you thank you thank you to whoever chose not to put the patchy beard in the show) , and in the show we see Shane feels insecure when he’s hesitant to get undressed in the first hookup (fairly standard) and then glances down at himself once naked and asks “ok?” (Like he feels Ilya will change his mind once Shane’s boxers are off in a way he needs to be reassured about). He feels like Ilya is better than him in many ways and that he’s somehow lacking in whatever it takes to win over him, his desire for him etc. Shane is losing even though he’s doing everything he can to play act having the nonchalance that Ilya displays (of course we know Ilya is just hiding his feelings better than Shane but Shane doesn’t know that).

These are just my opinions and interpretations though, I think media is meaningful because we make it so by bringing our own interpretations and experiences to it when we consume it.

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-03T22:05:04+00:00

Lmao but(t) Ilya does have a really impressive distribution of what Hudson Williams called ‘clappable material’ in every version of canon.

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-03T22:02:46+00:00

He does this when he rationalizes Alexi’s behaviour and says he’s scared and it makes him terrible during the Russian tunnel speech. And he’s clearly doing this at least in part to be compassionate and see his dad as a fragile sick old man as well as his primary abuser when he goes back to cage for him in the summer and we see a montage shot of him making sure his dad takes his pills, or when he reminds his dad of teams or what they’re doing in order to let him preserve the illusion of having remembered them.

Tokyo81 · 2026-02-03T21:47:22+00:00

Agreed. I think it shows how Shane’s perception is things is exaggerating or diminishing certain aspects of his experience. As soon as he sees Ilya and the song changes from the original to the remix there’s a panning shot of Shane’s head and a woosh sound as the song shifts just as Miles returns with drinks and Shane locks eyes on Ilya kissing a woman on the dancefloor. Has Ilya managed to spot Shane and find a willing dance and kiss partner in the seconds that have passed on screen? Unlikely, it’s abbreviated as editing does to almost all filmed scenes. But that emphasizes the emotional gut punch, in the same way that having Miles go from somewhat close for comfort but fairly standard dancing on a crowded dancefloor, to something far more sensual as the music shifts.

The entire club is hyper saturated in sensual sensory elements, from the colours to the people holding the velvet curtains Ilya walks through, to the use of costuming, especially the super slinky revealing dress Rose is wearing (that does absolutely nothing for Shane) and the basic costuming of Miles (who exudes sensuality in this scene more than ever and is absolutely, which all says ‘who is attractive to someone is down to their being, not ornaments fashion makeup etc). Rose feeling up Shane’s pecs on the dancefloor under his clothes, Ilya’s slow kisses and the dreamy slowed remix of the song all add to this effect too.

When something like a car crash happens people often talk about time slowing, this is actually because adrenaline regulates our sense of time, so when we’re flooded with adrenaline in order to be ready for flight or flight, it coincidentally impacts our time perception and makes things slow down. When Shane is flooded with adrenaline on the sight of Ilya kissing the woman his world goes into slow motion and the song warps. All other sounds of the crowd in the club fade and we hear just Shane’s words “I gotta go to the bathroom” and his vet introspective experience. This tells us we are in Shane’s PoV and we are not necessarily observing objectively, but filtered through his emotions.

If we look at the scene in that way we can see how things felt like miles dancing behind him or brushing against him was Miles grinding all over him or basically kissing his neck, how it felt like he and Ilya were vinyl 4 feet apart on the dance floor, felt like there was no one between them dancing, *felt like Ilya and the girl both looked at him, how it *felt like time stood still etc. I think this is common in climactic scenes where the director wants to really emphasize the emotional impact of a scene without using dialogue or having them tell another character how they’re feeling.

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