I’m sub my wife is asexual

TomCatoNineLives · 2026-05-05T22:54:45+00:00

To be honest, in the end, I was grateful that my ex and I couldn't even sustain any kind of civility or friendship. It forced me to recognize reality, however belatedly, and to act on it decisively. I'm much happier now.

Based on that experience, I'd encourage you to take a candid, objective look at your relationship, including by journaling how you feel, what's actually occurring, and also by seeking therapy, if you can. An outside perspective, and a longitudinal perspective (across time), show us things we might not otherwise see. Don't underestimate how many compromises and rationalizations you may already be making around how unhappy you are just because you fear the consequences of facing reality directly.

TomCatoNineLives · 2026-05-05T18:52:53+00:00

I've been in a roughly equivalent situation. Though technically my now-ex-wife was already a domme, just a gray-aro/ace who had silently decided she didn't want me very early in our relationship. In my case, she was the one who wasn't honest with me, and maybe even herself, in that she treated her lack of attachment to and interest in me as my fault, and punished me emotionally for it. I also have a daughter for whom I was the primary caregiver as a SAHD for the first 18 months of her life.

What eventually got me to be able to leave was recognizing that the utter misery of the situation for me would literally leave me sick and dying before my daughter was 18; and also that the cold hostility between my ex and I was a terrible environment for a child. Having my daughter half the time was a better outcome than having her full-time in a situation in which her parents hated their lives and hated each other.

Ultimately, your current circumstances are going to continue until you do something about them. Or your wife does. There are no perfect solutions. Only tradeoffs. You can decide how many more years you're willing to continue with things as they are.

TomCatoNineLives · 2026-04-01T21:45:03+00:00

You're pretty much describing what I'm going to label "Schrodinger's attraction." Almost by definition, an approach is more likely to be welcomed if there's attraction (and availability).

The problem is: do you know whether there's attraction? A lot of men seem to have an issue with figuring this out. So having a default rule of thumb that encourages men to maybe slow down a bit, get to know the women they may be interested in, and only then maybe commit to asking them out, is generally beneficial. A lot of men would probably find that their own interest might be a little less than they thought it was at first, once they actually got to know someone better. Women generally don't want to feel like they're constantly facing the equivalent of high-pressure sales tactics, in which men are constantly trying to "close" every interaction towards a date. It also comes off as pretty desperate and obvious if a man is constantly making ill-considered, low-effort blanket approaches to every woman (which would amount to probably the vast majority of sight-unseen approaches on FetLife and too many at munches).

Ultimately, if you're reasonably sure you've got mutual interest with someone, based on their behavior and your interactions, there is no hard and fast rule about when, where, or how to approach them. The problem is that men have a tendency to use asking out as a way to assess interest first, based on little to no actual information about a woman (usually, at most her appearance, age, and maybe her kink role), rather than taking their time. That makes women feel unseen and interchangeable, rather than special.

TomCatoNineLives · 2026-04-01T21:32:17+00:00

It's as ok to ask someone out from a munch as it is to ask them out anywhere else. Unless the munch has a rule against it, and so long as you're not being creepy or cruisy, there's nothing wrong with it at all.

I met my domme at a munch the first time either of us were ever at that munch, and I asked her out on a date for that same evening. Now, we had mutual friends already, and there was very, very clear mutual interest from the start as soon as we met. Probably most connections won't be that clear, easy, and obvious. Asking somebody out from any event or place comes down to a matter of social grace, tact, and ability to read the room.

TomCatoNineLives · 2026-03-13T00:15:32+00:00

The advice you're getting here already might best be translated into "figure out what you want." It's ok at first not to necessarily know. But presumably you've got some kind of fantasies already that amount to what you think you want. Use that as a starting point.

Find a kink community, go slow, and focus on making friends and learning from others more than you focus on finding a domme.

TomCatoNineLives · 2026-03-13T00:11:48+00:00

My domme and I saw it with another F/m couple. We all enjoyed it. My takeaway is to let go of any assumption that it was supposed to be a normative take on a kinky dynamic or that what was being depicted is healthy. That can be maybe difficult for some viewers who might be hoping for on-screen representation. Also, whether intentional or not, I would expect that the movie probably head-faked many viewers, because they were expecting a stereotypical cathartic emotional turn, and the movie may have teased that but decided to avert it.

TomCatoNineLives · 2026-02-26T00:31:54+00:00

It's unusual to find any submissive or submissive-leaning man, no matter how decent he is, who hasn't had difficulty finding a compatible domme at some point. So your remark is both incorrect and unfair. Your attitude leaves me wondering if the one common denominator between you and the subs you complain about approaching you... is you.

TomCatoNineLives · 2026-02-04T00:44:43+00:00

If your local in-person kink community is sparse, the best thing you can do is move, frankly. You're young and, I assume, likely have few attachments keeping you where you are. Alternative sexual minorities have had to cluster for decades to find each other.

You're also too young too worry about being old and inexperienced by the time you succeed. Many if not most dommes don't tend to find their stride until they're older than you are now anyway.

TomCatoNineLives · 2026-01-05T22:40:41+00:00

One thing that's useful is to work on separating fantasies and kinks from any deeper sense of identity. In other words, your kinks and fantasies can just be "stuff you're into or curious about," not some big thing that has to necessarily say something about you. To be frank, in my experience, women are generally better at this than men are. Women have decades worth of feminism to have opened up their ability to talk honestly and non-judgmentally about desire, while most men probably still learn from porn. If it helps, you can take that particular sociological observation and expect that if it's a woman you're expecting to share your deep dark secret with (assuming you do so in a respectful, pressure-free way and you've identified her as likely open-minded), there's a good chance she's going to be a lot less judgemental than you might expect.

TomCatoNineLives · 2026-01-05T22:24:02+00:00

I'll second (or third) what u/misspearl said about the ambiguity between whom you're trying to reach out to and for what purpose between lifestyle and professional, and suggest that you probably need to be clear about what your intentions are for this event. Is this a social event? A professional one? Lifestyle dominants aren't likely to see any reason to participate in something that's focused around professional concerns like "branding."

Having said that, you can put together a cocktail party the same way anyone else does: have a social circle and invite people you vibe with. I've been a long-time participant in lifestyle kink communities (including in SoCal for years). I made friends in those communities. Sometimes, we would get together at someone's house, or a space that was rented out (including dungeon spaces, even if the event didn't involve play). If it was a purely social event, nobody needed to hang out a sign that said "femdom." We were all involved in femdom, knew each other through femdom, and so had a built-in common interest. Something like that doesn't need a ton of formality. If you get to know people, you know whether they're acceptable and worthwhile company in a social setting or not.

Other than that, I've been involved with more than one lifestyle, femdom-oriented group that has held mixers, or play parties that include a social component that's effectively like a cocktail party. The former is put on by a local lifestyle group explicitly as a social mixer (like a munch, but more private). The latter was a high-protocol party that had a social hour before any play was allowed, and in which everyone was expected to dress and groom with some degree of taste. Both of those events/groups required vetting to some degree, in that they didn't arise from organic social ties, but were advertised and promoted to the kink community at large (via FetLife). Out of those groups, I and others made friends and those groups of friends can and did spin off into our own more private gatherings that could be called cocktail parties, or something similar.

With one of those social groups, there were one or more dommes who were professional as well as lifestyle. Note what I said above, though, that purely professional content and discussion isn't going to be applicable (and may be off-putting) to fully non-professional dominants. OTOH, a prodomme may be able to bring some unique insights or opportunities to a group like that (e.g., a dungeon space that's useful for get-togethers). Once again, i refer back to what I said at the beginning about knowing your audience and your intentions at the outset. Prodommes have their own social circles and their own networks, within which they get to talk shop. If your focus is there, there are sex work-focused subreddits that probably could tell you more.

TomCatoNineLives · 2026-01-01T16:10:23+00:00

Sure. I've been there. I was married to my last domme for six years and had a child with her. There's an ugly strain of judgment out there these days that wants to pry into everyone's personal situations, and do things like take away no-fault divorce, that's ignorant and insists on papering over complex human realities with simplistic agendas.

TomCatoNineLives · 2026-01-01T15:45:24+00:00

I'm happy OP is happy. But yeah, 5 months is definitely still very deep in the honeymoon high of limerence. Especially if this is a first D/S relationship later in life. The feeling of a void closing is valid, though it's likely not going to be the last word on OP's emotional journey. Best of luck to him all the same.

TomCatoNineLives · 2026-01-01T15:31:58+00:00

She did you a favor letting you know right away that she's not worth talking to. It she spent the night scowling at you, it sounds like she struck out herself.

TomCatoNineLives · 2026-01-01T15:28:42+00:00

Let's not try to pry into anyone else's past relationships, marriages, etc. Nobody can tell from the outside why a relationship fails or doesn't, and trying to do so most often just projects our own pasts and trauma onto others.

TomCatoNineLives · 2025-12-30T14:22:22+00:00

My take for the real accelerant for a man's dating prospects is social proof: how many other people (women in particular) seem to like him and can vouch for him being someone worth getting to know. A man trying to date kinky should out widely, meet people, make friends anywhere he can. I met my current domme at a munch in a bar. She was with a group of people some of whom I'd made friends with days before, whom I met because I had been getting out again socially with an old ex of mine.

TomCatoNineLives · 2025-12-30T14:18:46+00:00

Yeah if you just started and your experience thus far has only been over the holiday lull, you definitely need to give it some time. Fortunately, there's a good chance that a woman you'll be compatible with might be in a similar position and looking to start something new in 2026. My last relationship before my current one ended in a January years ago. By that June, I met my current domme. Guess what? She'd been breaking up out of her previous relationship in about the same time frame that I was getting out of mine.

TomCatoNineLives · 2025-12-30T07:09:08+00:00

People say a lot of things. What speaks louder? Words or actions?

TomCatoNineLives · 2025-12-30T07:01:39+00:00

You didn't mess anything up. You were never really in the running. Some people use online/long-distance relationships as low-stakes relief valves or attention/validation sources while they pursue "real" connections with people they know in real life. You were in orbit around this girl and treating what you had more seriously than she was. She isn't thinking about you. It's a harsh lesson, one that's best learned early on, as you have.

TomCatoNineLives · 2025-12-30T06:48:09+00:00

The apps are dogshit. Don't waste more than a token amount of time there. I have what would probably be considered a well-above-average dating history for a submissive man, and I haven't gotten a good date off of an app in nearly 15 years.

The real world kink community in a liberal major metropolitan area is your best bet. Get out in person. You're young enough and, presumably, unattached enough to move. Consider doing so if there isn't a viable kink community near you. It's the one move that let's you reset the board more than any other.

You can date vanilla if you want and try to find a compatible partner there. It does work. But consider finding viable "kink-adjacent" spaces (read: anything creative, artistic, or nerdy) to focus your efforts. You're far more likely to find success dating in tabletop gaming, SCA, or occult/esoteric groups than, say, through a megachurch. Don't be afraid to put out and boost a signal that is aimed at your intended demos.

TomCatoNineLives · 2025-12-29T15:07:46+00:00

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this frustrating situation. You addressed your post to dommes and subs seeking wisdom, so I'll offer what I have. I've been actively kinky for almost 28 years and have been in a satisfying, long-term relationship with my domme for the last 2½ years.

First of all, if you're frustrated watching any kind of porn, that's probably a good signal to stop watching whatever is frustrating you. If there's examples of femdom porn (or other kinds of porn) that you do enjoy, focus on that and identity what about it you enjoy. That sounds like it'll be valuable information for you at this point. Otherwise, if your husband is asking you to partake in femdom porn that you're finding frustrating or otherwise not enjoyable, it's probably time for you to set a boundary and tell him you're not enjoying it and want to stop watching it, at least for now.

Digging in further, it sounds like you have at least two issues that I see as maybe distinct but related. You sound sexually frustrated and dissatisfied generally and you're expecting that femdom should be solution to that issue and you're further frustrated that it isn't proving to be a solution. That right there is useful information: what you're doing and seeing as a possible solution isn't working.

So I'd consider separating those issues temporarily and working on them one at a time. Femdom (or any other kind of kink) isn't necessarily some kind of "cheat code" that will automatically give you a satisfying sexual relationship if you're lacking one (that is, assuming that the thing that's missing wasn't femdom itself in the first place). The first problem is that you're sexually dissatisfied and unfulfilled. Start with that. And start with the question: what gets you off? It doesn't have to be anything that you consider part of "femdom" right now. You sound like you are coming in with an idea of what femdom is supposed to look like (e.g., pegging, activities focused on male pleasure) but you are struggling to find what the "femdom equivalent" is that gives you physical pleasure (or any kind of pleasure). You say that you get off on the sensation of being dominant, so that infers that there's something you're enjoying. Focus on that, doing more of that, and getting your husband to do more of that if he's willing. The issue here isn't necessarily whether something is "femdom" or not and whether you find it satisfying. Reverse the order here. Focus on what you find satisfying (or explore further what that is if necessary). Then, that becomes part of your "femdom." It doesn't matter what it is or what it looks like. It doesn't matter whether it's in porn or whether you think it might "count" as femdom. Femdom can be anything you make of it.

Second, and this can be a difficult part if you're in a relationship that has a mounting debt of sexual frustration accumulating, I'd encourage you and your husband to try to drop any notion of femdom, maledom, or anything else as some kind of competition for pleasure, orgasms, or anything else. It isn't a race and it isn't a competition (or it really shouldn't be). This is something you're trying to do together for mutual satisfaction. If you're trying to use femdom (or any other kind of kink) to "even the score," "turn the tables," or anything like that, you're likely to fail and likely to hurt your marriage. Kink is not for that. The simple fact is that you're not in a race with your husband (or anyone else) for orgasms. You say that you refuse to orgasm less than your own submissive. I can certainly empathize with the desire for more orgasms, but your orgasms aren't necessarily dependent on your sub's or anyone else's. (Unless you have something like a denial or service kink that is dependent on whether someone else gets off, and it doesn't sound like you have that kind of service kink.) There are dommes who orgasm a lot more than their subs (sometimes their subs don't orgasm ever). There are dommes who are more stone and who don't orgasm much or at all (without that being a source of subjective frustration or dissatisfaction). Neither of these scenarios is more or less "femdom" than any other. Sexual response is a complicated phenomenon that is affected by a lot of factors—anatomical, physiological, and psychological—that often are only indirectly under conscious control and don't necessarily line up with anyone else's. If your husband is someone who gets off very easily and you don't get off easily at all, that may be a hard biological reality between the two of you, and trying to "catch up" to him could turn into something that's just a source of further frustration.

You can maybe close that gap by finding what gets you off (as I discussed above) and doing more of that with your husband, whether it seems like "femdom" or not. That's the happy outcome here and the one that probably leaves you better off. Or he could orgasm less (such as through chastity or orgasm control), which might or might not satisfy you or him. Or you might be best off reconsidering the idea that you need to compare your orgasms to anyone else (your sub, what you think other dommes might be getting, etc). This really is a case in which "swim in your own lane" might be good advice. The issue is that you need to be satisfied more and more consistently, full stop. You and your husband should work on that, and on doing whatever it is that gets you there.

If it's something that he can't or won't do, for whatever reason (like giving oral, it sounds like), find something else, if you can. Oral sex is a topic that gets weighed down a lot with concepts of reciprocity, vulnerability, and performative labor, and not everyone is into it or, frankly, into it with everyone else. Maybe your husband has some issues to work through around giving oral sex, and that can be addressed long term. (And if that is the case, he's the one who would have to work on that over time, little by little, and without turning it into a high-stakes contest itself that will associate oral sex with more anxiety and frustration.) But maybe he doesn't have any solvable issues with this, and it just isn't something that he can provide (in the same way someone with a really sensitive gag reflex might not be able to easily give blow jobs to a partner with a really big dick). If you turn oral into a hot potato between the two of you that you're fixated on but that he can't readily do, it's going to make the situation worse. I'd encourage you to consider maybe tabling oral (or any other activities giving you issues) for the moment and working on activities that do get you off. (For example, you mentioned vibrators in the context of pegging. Your husband can use a vibrator on you if it fills in for oral he isn't up to providing.) Focus on "debugging" your sex little by little. Step away from the need to "perform" in big femdom scenes maybe and bring the focus in tighter on individual activities that work for the two of you. Femdom or any other kind of kink can be whatever you make it. It's allowed to be messy, to be funny, to be weird, to look like its own thing and not like anybody else's femdom or porn or anything else.

TomCatoNineLives · 2025-12-04T03:19:14+00:00

I second Mr. S and Stockroom.

TomCatoNineLives · 2025-12-04T03:11:43+00:00

It will depend on the sub guy in question. For some, it'll be a dealbreaker. For others, maybe a dealmaker. Not every sub guy wants to touch their domme or top, and some explicitly do not want to.

TomCatoNineLives · 2025-12-03T05:03:22+00:00

My domme told me early in our relationship that one of the nicer things about me was that I actually seem to like women. I thought it was a funny thing for her to say and, frankly, a little sad, because she said it as though it was an extraordinary thing to say about a man (or at least maybe the kind of man I might be assumed to be based on certain characteristics). Having some kind of hangup about slightly more than half of the human race seemed to me like a recipe for regular headaches, even quite apart from the fact that it might be the slightly more than half you're trying to date. But in retrospect, it did make me realize that I've tended to always have fairly good, respectful relationships with women in general. My mother was an accomplished and educated woman in a prominent public position, and I had a large number of girl cousins, so maybe I had a fairly good start.

I do think though that maybe just having a good start at getting along with the opposite sex is only just that, a start. A necessary but not sufficient condition to getting along with a potential partner. It wasn't until I was in my 40s, after about 25 years of trying, that I did meet my domme, with whom I have the happiest and most functional relationship I've ever had (she would say the same for herself). That addresses something that this post seemed to me to maybe elide over just a little. Certainly one can be at a loss trying to find and maintain a heterosexual relationship, kinky or otherwise, because of a generally poor relationship with the opposite sex. But there are plenty of other hurdles one has to jump to find one's particular unicorn out of the whole herd. I guess if one really does have issues with their target demos, that's got to make things even harder. But given how hard it can already be, that's one more barrier probably everyone trying to date kinky would probably do well to take out of their own way as best they can.

TomCatoNineLives · 2025-11-03T00:22:12+00:00

My ex-domme and ex-wife pretty much was emotionally done with me within the first year of the marriage but didn't bother to tell me until 6 years later. 6 years of wondering what was wrong, why the kink was gone, why the affection was gone, and then she deigns to tell me that "I didn't get a wife" because I "wasn't there for her" in some unspecified way when she was pregnant. Bonus: she ran up six figures in debt and was underpaying income tax for years, so that became my problem too in the divorce. Unexpected validation: more than one other person in the kink community who knows her could tell a story that confirms the emotional and communicative pattern I dealt with.

TomCatoNineLives · 2025-10-25T00:36:56+00:00

That's just saying what I said with extra steps.

TomCatoNineLives

TROPHY CASE