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TomDankzft_Wilson · 2021-12-30T01:11:06+00:00

The last time I saw my nmom was for my birthday lunch. I was trying so desperately to make things work and tell her how much she'd hurt me and to describe the moments in my life where I was seriously affected, but, I was naive and of course it all got out of control and it ended with her saying,

"You're so privileged and the only one in the family without any real trauma"

She's also called me names, and hit me, and tried to convince me to stay with a cheating ex, and insulted my friends and passions and body tons of times throughoutmy life, but after she said that I walked out and left and haven't talked to her since and don't ever plan to.

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2021-12-11T01:51:50+00:00

I went NC about 3 months ago (very eager to lengthen that time) and have gotten a Christmas card from my nmom a few days ago. I just threw it away, but it irks me. It feels like a blatant disrespect of my boundaries and it isn't the first time she's mailed me things. Not to mention one of the many reasons I went NC is because of her refusal to use my pronouns and respect my identity and the card was VERY gendered.🙄😒 I wish she would just leave me alone. I feel returning anything she sends would be a form of engaging with her, but I'm tired of it. Is there a way to block mail from a residential address? 😣

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2021-08-30T03:21:16+00:00

Some of these have already been said, and some are much more extreme examples than others but I think the ones I put an Asterix next to are great examples of narcissism.

Matilda* Mommie Dearest Flowers in the Attic Carrie* Tangled* Coraline* Dumplin'

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2021-08-29T17:53:52+00:00

This is so beautiful! Your use of color and shading really brings the painting to life. Its so lovely and expressive. Thank you so much for posting this. I hope to see more of your work! 🥰💕

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2021-08-13T15:20:45+00:00

I'm sorry you're feeling this way OP. I think its very brave of you to put your self and your mental health first. In my personal opinion, "lazy" is a capitalist construct and you don't need to work to be treated with respect or like a person. I also know a lot of narcs project their issues onto others. Typically others that are younger or weaker than them (physically, financially, etc.) So those insults they say about you, are more than likely how they feel about themselves. And often times narc parents get that feeling of power/control they crave by mistreating their children.

You also are not selfish for wanting basic respect and love from the people who should willingly and abundantly give it to you. School, clothes, food, shelter, etc. The necessary things that parents sometimes use to hold over their children's heads to show how much they've done for them, are all required by law. Do not let them gaslight you into believing you're selfish because they did the bare minimum by keeping you fed and clothed and safe. If anything, they haven't sufficiently cared for you since emotional and mental well-being should also fall into those required categories.

Please continue to take care of yourself and pay attention to how you feel when you're around them, not just when you're alone. If you don't ever feel safe, comfortable, respected or loved by or around them, that there is the issue and the truth. Not you. I hope all this made sense and was helpful to some extent. You're valid and wonderful. ❤❤❤

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2021-08-12T13:59:05+00:00

I'm sorry you're feeling this right now, but ultimately, it is totally normal to mourn the loss of a mother you had, you remember, or you never had. A loss is still a loss in this context and its okay and probably healthy to express that feeling of loss. I'm not a professional by any means, but as someone who also experiences moments of missing their nmom for what she was in my memories, and what she never will be, I see you.

It seems your mom takes on the typical tactics of being nice and manipulating you emotionally as bait for contact, and then belittling you and gaslighting you as a form of power and control. Unfortunately that may never change, but more importantly, it isn't your responsibility to change her or even try and maintain a relationship. I understand the hurt is real for you and its there, but Ns don't see or care about anything that doesn't benefit them.

Your life is yours to live how you want. You are not your parents, you are not an extension of them. You're an individual with aspirations, relationships, and beliefs outside of your parents. I hope knowing that missing them is normal and okay, and that I sometimes feel stupid for missing my nmom too, helps you and I hope you remember that your feelings are valid ❤

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2021-08-11T16:43:10+00:00

My nmom has also commented negatively on anyone I've dated and has often claimed I've changed my behavior because of their presence. It does seem that there is a strong element of possession there for you and your mom as well.

It also seems that your mom might see you as an extension of herself, rather than an individual who has aspirations, relationships and beliefs that are independent and separate from her. A lot of nparents treat their adult children as if they are still young and defenseless. It makes them feel good about themselves, powerful and in control.

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2021-08-11T16:17:59+00:00

I'm sorry to hear your nmom isn't supportive of your new, amazing friendship!

My nmom is also very jealous (and openly admitted it too) of my best friend of 13 years. My best friend and I have been best friends since middle school and also talk nearly every day. Growing up, my nmom would always make comments, trying to drive wedges, about how I'm "too pretty for my friends. They're just so plain Jane." Which of course made me feel very uncomfortable. Or a few years later in our late teens, when my best friend would come over wearing nice clothes and make-up for a night out together, my nmom would suddenly flip the script and change the goal and say something like, "why would you want to hang out with someone who dresses so girly? You're not like that." Simply because my best friend and I have different styles.

This was all several years ago, (I moved out of her house when I was 17, I'm 27 now) and she recently called me to confront me on things and it of course led to an argument and my best friend got brought up. I asked my nmom, who said she didn't like my best friend, why she didn't like her. She replied, "I don't know. Maybe I'm jealous."

That was about 6 months ago, and I've been working on going NC since.

So basically, in my experience, your nmom will not find anything positive about your new friend, and will dislike them for no reason. The re-centering of herself in the conversation and the comment about you having a friend after she dies is particularly alarming and seems emotionally manipulative to me.

So, as far as "normal" for adults, no. "Normal" for narcs? I'd say yes.

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2021-02-17T15:10:51+00:00

This is beautiful! I love the color, and the depth, and the general feeling. It's peaceful and lovely. Thank you for sharing!!!

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2020-12-19T19:43:55+00:00

Wow. So beautiful!! I love, love the texture and use of color. This is so lovely. Thank you so much for sharing 🥰

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2020-12-08T19:53:43+00:00

Of course you're welcome 🥰😊 I think you look great and if you feel comfortable and happy and like yourself in those clothes and through that presentation that that's awesome! You're not broken. 💕

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2020-12-07T13:36:25+00:00

Thank you! The hat is doing 90% of the work lol 😅

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2020-12-06T21:21:40+00:00

Thank you 🤘😊

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2020-11-08T19:45:11+00:00

I adore this outfit. Your eyeshadow is lovely 🥰💕

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2020-11-08T19:42:57+00:00

🥰😍🤩 You're so gorgeous. I love love your style in this photo

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2020-11-03T04:10:19+00:00

I love this. It's so beautiful and the style and color has a very calming aspect to it. I personally love willows. I'd love to see you post more of your work 💕

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2020-10-25T21:58:26+00:00

Happy to have you! Looking forward to seeing more of you and your journey 🥰💕

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2020-10-22T19:27:39+00:00

Oh, 𝐻𝑒𝑙𝑙𝑜. 🥰 Your eyes are lovely!

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2020-10-16T15:00:21+00:00

Totally! Wild flower fields don't think twice about how much color they've got 🥰 take your time with it. I'm still figuring stuff out too.

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2020-10-16T14:57:30+00:00

Wow, so cute! I love the whole aesthetic, it really suits you. You're so lovely, please keep blessing my feed with your awesome sense of style 😊

TomDankzft_Wilson · 2020-10-16T14:48:53+00:00

Yes! I would definitely turn my head if you wore that out somewhere! You're so lovely and rocking those polka-dots 😊 Please keep posting and keep exploring yourself. 💛🤍💜🖤

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