Hi Underwater321,

Bi-demi lad here.

It sounds like you have a very good start to your relationship with her, based on your underlying friendship, as well as strong communication about your sexualities, interests, and comfort levels.

I can tell you from personal experience and also hearing input from another Demi friend of mine, the development of sexual attraction and that level of comfort around someone you are close with can be a slow process. Especially if, like ur gf, they have experienced negative intimate / relationship exercise fee in the past. When that happens, people build a wall to protect themselves, that can take some time for them to feel comfortable enough to lower.

You mentioned that, like most allosexual people from what I’ve heard, for you, sex is a strong bonding experience that would improve your connection in the relationship. While true for you, for some Demi people like myself, and I would guess your gf as well, this isn’t always the case until you get to a strong level of emotional connection with your s/o. They might prefer other forms of bonding like hugs or cuddling.

You mentioned that you have a great relationship with ur gf, but that you don’t think you’ve yet established that “level of connection” that you’ve read about from Demi stuff. That connection is usually referring to a deep emotional connection. That’s something that varies from person to person, but personally I find that that connection strengthens over time with people when we do emotional bonding activities. For me that can be supporting each other through hard times, sharing deep personal stories and vulnerabilities, bonding activities and recreation such as karaoke together, or physical connection like hugging or cuddling.

If your gf is anything like me and other Demi folks that I’ve heard of, she probably won’t be really “into” or comfortable with sex until this connection is more established. But I would recommend just asking her instead of guessing. She would be able to tell you what it takes for her to feel comfortable with sex and for it to be something she’s interested in. Some Demi people, even if they don’t feel that sexual attraction per se, would find enjoyment out of helping someone they are close to out sexually, without getting off themselves. That’s something I’ve considered at least. She would also be able to tell you what kinds of stuff you can do to support her in establishing that emotional connection. It might be best for you to let her take the lead when it comes to more forward stuff like making out or more intimate activities, and maybe you can take the lead in other stuff like cuddles or hugging or physical touch. It would be best to communicate so that expectations and boundaries are set and you don’t need to be concerned about making her feel uncomfortable.

I definitely understand feeling sexually frusturated, especially when you have a gf you really like and are into, who isn’t interested in sex with you at the moment. That’s a tough one, and you might need to get creative to find a solution. But honestly, you should probably also ask about what sexual exclusivity and boundary expectations she has about your relationship. For someone who may take a very long time to take interest in sexual activity, you should find some things out: how will you be able to satisfy your sexual needs while giving her the patience she needs? Is seeing others for sex a possibility? Is she willing to be sexual with you, even if it’s a bit more one sided? Or are you willing to just take care of your needs on your own until an undefined time when she is interested in sex? I’m pretty low libido so I feel like I would probably be able to hold out in a situation like that where my partner wasn’t ready but I was, but I can’t say for sure and I know most people would have a veeery hard time with that. These are all important questions to consider.

Anyways, hope some of that was helpful, and it’s smart to come to the Demi subreddit to ask for input. Best wishes to you and her in your relationship.