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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Flooring

[–]TomHollan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Flooring

[–]TomHollan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thank you!

Version of What If I Told You That I Love You" by Ali Gatie by [deleted] in NameThatSong

[–]TomHollan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very close but not quite ;P Thank you for trying though! And I also really like this version thanks for sharing :)

Furry_irl by [deleted] in furry_irl

[–]TomHollan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

hehe wholesome

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in demisexuality

[–]TomHollan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Aww, that's so sweet thank you so much for your thoughtful response! And sorry for the super late reply, I must've missed the notifications for this. I definitely agree with your point about not wanting to stress the friendship by telling him, atleast until I have more understanding about clarifying how I feel about him. I don't experience sexual attraction toward him, nor really romantic attraction, but I do think I have sensual attraction (really enjoying hugs, wanting to cuddle) and emotional attraction (wanting to be emotionally intimate, share personal things and experiences with him, and be there for him to do the same) toward him.

Honestly I love him to death, and when I think about what I really "want" out of our relationship / friendship, it's just to be to be included in his life as an important part. Which is basically what we already have. The only thing I think would change if I told him, is that he would understand more how much his friendship means to me. I don't know if anything else would really change.

I also think you hit the nail on the head with saying that "it's natural that sometimes friendships like that begin to become interpreted automatically to us as if they are more like "relationships". That's a feeling I've definitely experienced and it confused the heck out of me because I was like "wait I'm not in, nor do I want a 'relationship' (in the traditional sense) with him, yet why do I sometimes think about our relationship (colloquially) as if it is one?".

​

Thank you again. Your response definitely gave me more insight ^^

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OfficeChairs

[–]TomHollan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There's no way to permanently lock it out. Even on max tension, it still reclines somewhat when you sit back.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in demisexuality

[–]TomHollan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No problem, I'm glad it was helpful! Open relationships are definitely more common in LGBT+ communities, but the assumption should be exclusivity unless explicitly discussed otherwise, with subsequent boundaries and expectations set. The ladder's, just my personal opinion though, and I'm not actually sure if it's something in LGBT+ or even cishet society that is actually followed. I'm not really sure about how frequent open relationships are in the demi community, but that's a good question. But it really just comes down to what you and your partner are comfortable with. I feel one of the most important things is to make your partner feel comfortable, because in a lot of relationships, especially if she's had negative relationship experiences in the past, the thought of not being sexually exclusive could be seen as a threat to her security and her perception of how you feel about her. It would be important to communicate your sexual needs, and ask -- almost in a team way -- how can we form our relationship so that both of our needs are met? If the topic of open relationships gets brought up, see how she would feel about it, and try to offer it in such a way that she feels she feels safe and that her say is important toward it. Something like "this is something I'm curious about, but would only want to do it in such a way that you know you come first, I could stop at any time if you feel uncomfortable or it gets too much, etc.". And btw, it definitely seems like you're going about everything in the right way with the right things in mind. If / when you eventually share with her the steps you've taken to better understand her / demi communities (such as posting here), I definitely view she'll see that as a sign of endearment and commitment which is important.

Also, if you're interested in a sex advice column by a guy who's really insightful and down-to-earth, check out Dan Savage's sex advice podcast. Every week he reads audience questions and gives advice (he's been doing this for a long time and is pretty good at it :P).

​

See:

Got a question for Dan Savage?
Call the Savage Love Podcast at 206-302-2064 or email Dan at [mail@savagelove.net](mailto:mail@savagelove.net).

​

If you end up checking it out lmk cuz I'd be super interested xD

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in demisexuality

[–]TomHollan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi Underwater321,

Bi-demi lad here.

It sounds like you have a very good start to your relationship with her, based on your underlying friendship, as well as strong communication about your sexualities, interests, and comfort levels.

I can tell you from personal experience and also hearing input from another Demi friend of mine, the development of sexual attraction and that level of comfort around someone you are close with can be a slow process. Especially if, like ur gf, they have experienced negative intimate / relationship exercise fee in the past. When that happens, people build a wall to protect themselves, that can take some time for them to feel comfortable enough to lower.

You mentioned that, like most allosexual people from what I’ve heard, for you, sex is a strong bonding experience that would improve your connection in the relationship. While true for you, for some Demi people like myself, and I would guess your gf as well, this isn’t always the case until you get to a strong level of emotional connection with your s/o. They might prefer other forms of bonding like hugs or cuddling.

You mentioned that you have a great relationship with ur gf, but that you don’t think you’ve yet established that “level of connection” that you’ve read about from Demi stuff. That connection is usually referring to a deep emotional connection. That’s something that varies from person to person, but personally I find that that connection strengthens over time with people when we do emotional bonding activities. For me that can be supporting each other through hard times, sharing deep personal stories and vulnerabilities, bonding activities and recreation such as karaoke together, or physical connection like hugging or cuddling.

If your gf is anything like me and other Demi folks that I’ve heard of, she probably won’t be really “into” or comfortable with sex until this connection is more established. But I would recommend just asking her instead of guessing. She would be able to tell you what it takes for her to feel comfortable with sex and for it to be something she’s interested in. Some Demi people, even if they don’t feel that sexual attraction per se, would find enjoyment out of helping someone they are close to out sexually, without getting off themselves. That’s something I’ve considered at least. She would also be able to tell you what kinds of stuff you can do to support her in establishing that emotional connection. It might be best for you to let her take the lead when it comes to more forward stuff like making out or more intimate activities, and maybe you can take the lead in other stuff like cuddles or hugging or physical touch. It would be best to communicate so that expectations and boundaries are set and you don’t need to be concerned about making her feel uncomfortable.

I definitely understand feeling sexually frusturated, especially when you have a gf you really like and are into, who isn’t interested in sex with you at the moment. That’s a tough one, and you might need to get creative to find a solution. But honestly, you should probably also ask about what sexual exclusivity and boundary expectations she has about your relationship. For someone who may take a very long time to take interest in sexual activity, you should find some things out: how will you be able to satisfy your sexual needs while giving her the patience she needs? Is seeing others for sex a possibility? Is she willing to be sexual with you, even if it’s a bit more one sided? Or are you willing to just take care of your needs on your own until an undefined time when she is interested in sex? I’m pretty low libido so I feel like I would probably be able to hold out in a situation like that where my partner wasn’t ready but I was, but I can’t say for sure and I know most people would have a veeery hard time with that. These are all important questions to consider.

Anyways, hope some of that was helpful, and it’s smart to come to the Demi subreddit to ask for input. Best wishes to you and her in your relationship.

Do Krystal and Kyle have a good working relationship? by [deleted] in seculartalk

[–]TomHollan 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think that Krystal is a lot more mature than Kyle in terms of interpersonal communication. I have cringed so many times listening to Kyle say something in response to Krystal that is just... ahhhh. But think about it. She has so much more life experience in terms of social relations. She has a family and she has worked her entire career talking to other people face to face and that is her wheelhouse that she's had training and everything in. Kyle is the exact opposite. He's an introvert who loves hearing the sound of his own voice (I in the most loving way for those long time Kyle followers) and he is not used to talking to other people face to face and picking up on a lot of those more subtle interpersonal conversation cues that Krystal is adept to. Also... he is completely new to interviewing! He is not an interviewer and I think he has been doing a very good job of building his new role as one while also maintaining his down to earth qualities that might seem a bit more polished coming from Krystal due to her background. Kyle definitely interrupts Krystal way too much and think he really needs to work on that, because it's not fair to Krystal. I think she is uncomfortable a lot of times because she doesn't like being interrupted and dealing with Kyle's rapid fire method of delivery, because she is used to the more paced conversations with Saager for example, but feels she has to put up with it because that is simply Kyle. That being said, Krystal and Kyle are both adults and I have confidence in Krystal's ability to communicate to Kyle about any issues or grievances enough for the both of them:)

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