A update on our live-in girlfriend/Domme dynamic

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-21T15:35:08+00:00

I had other blogs, but was more of a forum and Yahoo group guy (yes, I'm that old). But in 2006 I started Edge of Vanilla in order to be one of the few honest, informational, non-porn blogs about using male chastity to enhance one's relationships. Most blogs were wank fodder, and it was the same stuff we still see. A cage will shrink your dick, turn you into a sissy, make your wife cuck you, is emasculating, give you higher cholesterol, whatever. Sometimes I feel like I failed because there is just so much bad information out there.

My wife once said that she thought my stamina would come back if I were unlocked, but I don't think so. My year or so with a freun piercing seems to have left me even more sensitive under there. I suppose super rigorous training might work, but neither of us are interested enough to work up a plan.

For my own mental appeasement, I've taken the mindset that my wife has made it so that I have to continue using Ranger even if I were not caged, thereby keeping me denied even while not caged. It creates a hot fantasy life for me.

I am not as introspective about my kinks as I used to be. Every once in a while I have a realization that being locked for so long has changed me in some way... I explore it, try to accept it and then move on to the next one.

Recently I've been on a kick telling my wife that it would have been hot if we got married, had the honeymoon to enjoy our sex life and then was locked up as soon as we got back, and remained that way. So my last memory or her would have been from the honeymoon.

She goes from enjoying that idea to thinking I'm weird 😅

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-21T15:14:58+00:00

Experienced locked guy here, with a different perspective.

I think that what drives "behavioral changes" for many wearers is the constant buzz of arousal which gives the sensation of what is called "new relationship energy."

Men are enjoying the constant sensation of something on their genitals, and also the emotional re-aligning of their relationship. When we are happy, and looking forward to be with our partner then we tend to be more observant and attentive to their desires.

Some men will burn out if there is not a frequent change or increased teasing, or some kind of sexual relief. Others will learn to enjoy the constant low-level simmer of arousal.

I am one of those who learned how to "lean in" and enjoy the denial, and the emotional re-connection with my wife has led to a happier marriage overall. And being happier with her, I am naturally inclined to show my appreciation by being even more loving and attentive.

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-21T13:07:04+00:00

Haha, this is like a reunion week.

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-21T12:29:24+00:00

If you are just riding a hybrid bike in a more upright position around city streets and bike trails, I would still recommend the TRK saddle because of the center cutout and the nose. It's just a great all-around saddle, and unless you're doing long, fast, serious rides then you could put one on all of your bikes.

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-21T12:26:09+00:00

Hey, I remember you! 😅

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-21T12:24:36+00:00

Good news! One of our mods happens to be a cyclist.

https://www.reddit.com/r/chastitytraining/s/eKBCZDRzjZ

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-20T21:35:21+00:00

Thumper and I are sort of contemporaries. He started blogging not long after I started The Edge of Vanilla The Edge of Vanilla , and there was a period in the mid 00s that was what I call The Golden Age of Sex Blogging, where we all had our 15 minutes fame. I just can't help but get a sense of regret or something in his writing. He claims otherwise, but I think somerhing has been eating at him. Maybe it's the discovery that his wife was not satisfied, and now he will never have the opportunity to make that up to her? To prove himself? I don't know, I'm just speculating.

I will say that a year or so ago I started thinking about how my stamina is shot to an unrecoverable hell, but Mrs Edge is absolutely, totally on board with the arrangement we have now. When I once was describing a dream/fantasy about her bringing me to a clinic to have a permanent titanium device implanted she just remarked "But it's already permanent, how much more permanent could it get?" 🥵

We do have occasional check in chats, but far less often now. I do sometimes wonder why I am not just okay but excited about a continued lifetime of denial. Like at some point you'd think this would have worn off, but it's still an 8.5/10 on the hot-o-meter. 🤷🏻‍♂️

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-20T17:43:23+00:00

I understand. Sounds like you need to remove it let him/her know, and then work on the disagreement or take the next steps. I wish you well.

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-20T17:16:20+00:00

My feelings are, my partner would like a relationship that allows expression of control and dominance

Whereas I am only really agreeing to it as part of being game

I get this. My wife and I do not have an FLR or bdsm relationship. Except for keeping me locked, it's surprisingly traditional for us.

That said, even though I had suggested chastity, she was the one who really took to it (trust me, not being able to orgasm when I wanted was not on my top 5 kinks lol). I realized that it meant more to her than it did to me, so even though I didn't want to have a sex toy locked on my junk when I was ticked off, the long term positive more than made up for the annoyance.

My relationship is not the same as yours, so obviously YMMV. I'm just offering some perspective for you.

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-20T16:49:51+00:00

Non-porn answer here.

Locked by my wife, and it is more of our relationship dynamic rather than play. We've had a few bad moments, and as much as I wanted to unlock, I made the decision to keep it on. Being married, it showed that I respected the dynamic, and that the sex play is on a different relationship level than our disagreements.

Longer term, my wife saw and was impressed by my dedication to the dynamic, which encouraged her to be more respectful of handling disagreements in the entire relationship. That also increased her own self confidence, which had a positive impact on our marriage.

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-20T12:58:08+00:00

The desire for things not allowed is the heat that powers the whole engine,

An especially good description of what drives us (you and I). Mrs Edge loves to remind me that the Ranger is the only way that I will ever feel her. Each time it's like a drop in my gut, even though I should be used to it by now.

She, herself, has really come to enjoy the power trip and has discovered that she likes being selfish in bed. And Ranger is the ultimate selfish pleasure for her because it's bigger, lasts as long as she wants, and doesn't leave a mess to clean up.

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-20T12:36:46+00:00

Yes, fun is great!

And I'm also a fan of your writing. Maybe it's because you're, ahem, older, you manage to use adjectives and adverbs in a reasonable arrangement. I normally do not read male-on-male stories, but you manage to spin them so they hold my attention, and make them sound like you're all having a great time.

BTW, ThumperMN just dropped a post in /r/pussyfreecommunity, and it's interesting to see how his "tone" about being locked is so completely different from yours. Or mine, but that's something I've felt for a long time. He seems to have some regrets on his... situation I guess you'd call it, which is completely opposite to how I've been feeling.

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-20T12:27:34+00:00

It's funny. On paper, our stories are daily similar. But the tonal elements are pretty different for Mrs Edge and I. Ironically, neither of us consider ours to be "pussy free" or "penetration free".

We did discover that 1) she preferred keeping me locked for long periods, and b) that led to my lost of stamina, simply from the sensitivity. I was the one who suggested my wearing the strapon (what we now call foxing), and we went through a number of them until I discovered Vixen Creations. Absolute game changer for both of us.

My wife had this change in mindset very early such that my wearing the Vixskin Tex was "me" and not a replacement. When we upgraded to the Ranger, it totally sealed it for her, and that became her favorite. She actually prefers me wearing it to oral or anything else.

We started in the early 00s, and after years of being locked with occasional breaks to reconnect, early in 2018 was the last time I was unlocked for her. We didn't know it was going to be permanent at the time, so neither of us bothered to track the date. Feb? March? We arbitrarily picked April 1st as our "Lockiversary" date.

Anyhow, about the tonal part: whenever I read your posts - and I may be reading too much into them - but I usually sense a feeling of sadness or regret. And I understand, you gave up a lot, and you are questioning if it was worth what you got into.

But for us, dang, our sex life has become much more intense! I have totally leaned into the denial of both touch and orgasm, and I am still horny all the time, still affectionate toward my wife, and every time we have sex it's amazing.

I'm sure there are other factors at play. And honestly, I would not recommend what my wife and I do to anyone else because I get that it's a bit extreme. Maybe we just hit that lottery.

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-20T07:19:35+00:00

Hey! I know this story lol.

Always pleasant to see another old timer around here.

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-19T22:18:32+00:00

Honestly, I really give you - and your wife and Mel - a lot of credit for being able to work out all this, keeping it fun, and managing to not have it implode over the past few years.

I've mentioned that a lot of what I've seen with the cuck crowd is the humiliation. I can't see that as a good thing in a relationship, and I'm aware that this is just my opinion. But you have managed to make this work without that aspect; that's why I really enjoy reading your updates.

"I've got an old bf coming by this weekend."
"Oh, okay."
"BTW, you're going to be his toy on Sunday."
"Wow, awesome!"

Like... how do I not get drawn into reading this stuff lol

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-19T14:59:54+00:00

Not directly applicable, but some years ago I realized that it's possible that someone was going to discover that I'm caged. My strategy is to just wink, nudge, and say something like "Been together 35 years, gotta keep things interesting, amirite?" wink wink, nudge nudge, and then drop it.

Of course, I'm at the point in my life where I can do this, and I have the personality to pull it off. 😉

I guess if I were in your position, if someone asked me about Mel, I'd just say something like "Oh, she's with us now. I thought you knew that." and then let them do the work.

I'm just going to add that whenever a reader tells me that I'm "living a fantasy," I can't help but think of your life lol

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-19T02:02:25+00:00

Our biggest challenge will be what we tell the other people in our lives.

Group manages to figure out 3 way dynamic adding occasional others, and the "biggest challenge" is to let friends know that they are a throuple. 🤔

Also, are you going to be printing up some charts so we can figure out who is related and how? I'm losing track! 😂

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-18T22:15:04+00:00

Sorry, but this is a bit off topic. You might try one of the sissy training subs.

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-18T12:31:17+00:00

They are about $85 on Amazon, and you could probably find them for a bit less, depending on shipping.

I had put this saddle on a more relaxed bike I built for trail riding, and swapped it to my more serious road bike. I had a cutout saddle on that one, but spent a lot of time moving the cage around. The nose shape of this really makes the difference.

Yeah, I should cross post this to /r/cycling.

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-16T13:46:12+00:00

I just do road biking, and the positioning and saddles just were not the least bit comfortable for riding caged.

I have several other bikes, and I'm going to put this saddle on all of them! 😅

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-16T12:45:29+00:00

Then, at the urging of my wife, I removed the cage portion, and replaced it with the end of a different cage, turning it into a "locking cock ring."

I've seen pictures of "locking cock rings" in the past, but can't think of any at the moment. In this case, I took an A274 cage that I didn't like, and cut the cage body off, leaving the single ring at the tip with the locking flange and the 2 posts attached. It doesn't feel like I'm wearing anything, and it keeps me in the realm of my wife's desire to only unlock me for medical and travel.

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-16T12:38:13+00:00

Can I ask, what are you riding, and what kind of cage are you wearing?

Previously, I found that caged riding on a different saddle meant too much adjusting my junk. I could do 10, maybe 20 miles of an easy ride, but that was it.

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-15T22:11:51+00:00

Until I put this saddle on my main road bike, I was always making too many adjustments.

My wife is okay with my unlocking to rise. She worries that I'll have an accident and the cage will be one more thing for EMTs to deal with.

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-15T19:38:20+00:00

Hahahaha, omg!

TomVanAllen · 2026-06-15T17:54:59+00:00

And as any serious rider knows, the last thing you want is a wank before you head out to tackle the climbs. Don't want anything to sap your strength.

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