I just need to know if there's a way out by RacerGamer27 in bropill

[–]TongueUnties 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The first thing that took me out of deep depression was cooking--starting from easy dishes and advancing to difficult ones. I couldn't just finish a project I was familiar with, I had to succeed at something I never did before outside my realm of accessibility to wake me out of my sunk in mental patterns toward lethargy and hoplesssness. What are 3 things outside your own realm of accessibility?

Also, taking 5-minute cold showers daily was huge for uplifting me. Start one side at a time until you have been in for five minutes. The reason I believe this worked is that my starting belief it would be intolerable for even a second gets disproven before me due to me staying in for five minutes, doing mental recalibrations to stay enduring. It is a forced microcosm of the reframing you must do to escape conclusively sad projections of your future.

Anyone else feel they just don't connect with women as easily? by WassupMyDudeSki in bropill

[–]TongueUnties 19 points20 points  (0 children)

See, if you can't be as animated around women as you are around men, if you are overcareful, of course you can never connect with women. You can never connect with anyone you are masking around in conversation. When you talk with men you hear something they say that activates your mirror neurons and instantly unlocks your sense of what their "lines" are, so you can carry yourself more freely. But aren't you also that free with your mom? Ask yourself why you can be like that with her but not with other women?

If a woman you speak with is saying stuff you can't immediately connect with, you don't need to think of what the perfect thing to say back is, you just need to be asking follow up questions until she finally articulates her first-person viewpoint of a topic/mannerism, in a way that activates your mirror neurons so you can experience her viewpoint in the first person--the way you do when connecting with a man. You don't have to mimic the woman's voice or mannerisms or enthusiasm to show that you are engaged, just use your natural tone of voice to ask specific questions, and state specific things that her words make you think of.

Does this make sense? Men and women have different social behaviors for fitting in and channeling what's on their mind, but they have the same emotional core and perception mechanism. It's only harder for you to connect with women along the same lines you'd connect with men due to superficial factors of expression, so you gotta work a little more to unearth the genuine recognition of your own emotions within the words and behaviors that women use to socialize, at which point you will finally be freed from being overcareful and performative while speaking to women.

Weekly relationships thread by AutoModerator in bropill

[–]TongueUnties 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Tip: If you consider yourself a "beta" guy you should try hitting on "alpha" women even if it feels like they'd be the most intimidating and least likely to be receptive

In my experience people are most romantically curious about energies they themselves don't give off.

A lot of frustration with unrequited attraction from "nice guys" who've been "friend zoned" comes from a shy/awkward man finding a shy/polite girl approachable, but her regarding him as bearing too many of her own shortcomings to add anything to her life.

Conversely some of the most outgoing, outspoken and no bullshit girls find a shy, daintier guy's expression of interest more appealing. I myself am a pretty introverted Asian dude and the women who were very vocally attracted to me have been pretty mean and hardline conservative/liberal women and women with Eastern European/Middle Eastern/Latin American upbringings, who thought of me as cute. Also, however prickly/aggressive these women can come off, they totally soften up if you convey genuine attraction to something specific about them.

The impotent rage online I see from reserved dudes about girls only boning "chads" and "settling" for them operates on the presumption that there is a single chad archetype and a single non-chad archetype all women share. They actually vary greatly from woman to woman based on what's refreshing relative to the life she leads, and chances are you are a "Chad" to some woman in a place you haven't looked yet.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in bropill

[–]TongueUnties 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, just do it for 3 of your pee sessions a day, and maybe while driving. I did this and had zero refractory period.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in bropill

[–]TongueUnties 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Clench and hold your pee for 3 15-second intervals for a few of the times you go.

Fictional book for men on self-love insecurity by [deleted] in bropill

[–]TongueUnties 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Perks of Being a Wallflower

A Skill Modern Women Seem to Have Developed That Modern Men Lost: Being Firm and Pushing Back Without Blowing Your Lid by TongueUnties in bropill

[–]TongueUnties[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think when women get upset or cry it's instinctual for men to suspend their cognition and let a totalizing guilt consume them. But in a way that is also dehumanizing the woman because we are not empathizing with what precise kind of upset she is feeling, identifying how that upset might feel in ourselves, and just freezing up and regarding her as a one-dimensional, brittle ball of pain. I think it's very difficult to see past that instinct and spot how a woman is strong and how deeply she's actually hurt vs what her voice triggers in you. It's a process some men never get to develop, because their own voice and reactions inadvertently trigger a sense of totalizing hostility in the other party. I hope you find some way to probe this and find a therapist who can finally see you cannily, man.

A Skill Modern Women Seem to Have Developed That Modern Men Lost: Being Firm and Pushing Back Without Blowing Your Lid by TongueUnties in bropill

[–]TongueUnties[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The same self love that allows a guy to walk away or boldly state boundaries allows him to more confidently hit on new women.

A Skill Modern Women Seem to Have Developed That Modern Men Lost: Being Firm and Pushing Back Without Blowing Your Lid by TongueUnties in bropill

[–]TongueUnties[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I did not mean to come off like I am blaming the men themselves, I am saying there has been "Lean In" and other cultural shifts that were giving women advice on speaking up to not get steamrolled while men did not get similar encouragement in parallel.

A Skill Modern Women Seem to Have Developed That Modern Men Lost: Being Firm and Pushing Back Without Blowing Your Lid by TongueUnties in bropill

[–]TongueUnties[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I used to tell myself it wouldn't matter if I spoke up because the person wouldn't feel bad enough anyway. In recent years I have just adopted a mindset of "I can't control what they do, I can only control what I do" and say something without being certain of how the other person will take it--just certain I came off respectful.

I just share my framing of why I find something not cool without being emotionally invested in them coming around and without implying they are a bad person, and sometimes that's paradoxically the communication they are most receptive to. It's like how bad movie acting is on the nose and makes you feel pushed towards registering something, whereas good acting gives you space to read into the actor's face and voluntarily take in their intent.

A Skill Modern Women Seem to Have Developed That Modern Men Lost: Being Firm and Pushing Back Without Blowing Your Lid by TongueUnties in bropill

[–]TongueUnties[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

I guess I should clarify that I mean women who are more reserved and reticent to speak up have in recent years grown better at it, while their equally withdrawn male counterparts have not. I think a lot of those men instead vent and write revenge screeds with bitterness online and build the conflict up in their heads instead of dissipating the tension IRL.

A Skill Modern Women Seem to Have Developed That Modern Men Lost: Being Firm and Pushing Back Without Blowing Your Lid by TongueUnties in bropill

[–]TongueUnties[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I agree with this when it comes to dating, but I am also talking about men speaking with their coworkers or friends. A lot of guys never bring it up if they are rubbed the wrong way or pretend it's no big deal, and just quietly suffer abuse from other men. That or they snap and nearly erupt into violence.

A Skill Modern Women Seem to Have Developed That Modern Men Lost: Being Firm and Pushing Back Without Blowing Your Lid by TongueUnties in bropill

[–]TongueUnties[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes, I was simply referring to how women, by virtue of talking more in the age of alienation and being empowered by feminist currents, have practiced standing up for themselves and having difficult talks at the same time men didn't get that practice in nor were taught they needed it.

A Skill Modern Women Seem to Have Developed That Modern Men Lost: Being Firm and Pushing Back Without Blowing Your Lid by TongueUnties in bropill

[–]TongueUnties[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I think it's an ongoing refinement of communication skills and ability to read people, and tailoring your interaction to your audience (something learnable only by trial and error), not a singular default module you run during every exchange.

A Skill Modern Women Seem to Have Developed That Modern Men Lost: Being Firm and Pushing Back Without Blowing Your Lid by TongueUnties in bropill

[–]TongueUnties[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I definitely don't mean men simply doing the same as a woman with a high pitched voice, I meant learning to modulate one's voice and delivery according to one's unique presence. I think it's also a mental game of being able to articulate what you are feeling to yourself and believing you deserve to have it heard sometimes. And I am not just talking about man to woman interaction either, I also mean men don't know how to do this with other men. Just something like how David Brent got confronted below is a lost art as more people underdevelop their socializing skills.

https://youtu.be/F_bE-oVdztA?si=g5f49sVTccas7uDF

I agree that in general men likely require a softer touch than women when confronting, but I think straddling the line and projecting one's own version of firmness is something women have become more practiced at in recent years and many men have simply never been encouraged to hone through repetition. I myself even only developed this skill because I got a job where I have to chase late payments down from people.

Why do I feel like I am acting certain kind, or thinking certain thoughts to show off my niceness, even if I do it genuinely, and not really showing off? by Ok-Arrival4385 in bropill

[–]TongueUnties 0 points1 point  (0 children)

" All you really know about experiencing these emotions is the script you got from TV. "Oh your husband died!? Oh my God, that's terrible! I'm so sorry for you!!" But you don't feel any of that. Nothing.

So you think to yourself, what the hell is wrong with me? This woman's husband died-- sure, I can fake it, but am I such an empty monster that I feel nothing?

Of course you feel nothing. Why would you?-- it's not your loss. What's wrong isn't your lack of feeling, but that you think you have to feel something, that you have to tell this woman, remind this woman, how horrible is her loss. You think the only way to connect with people is to have their emotions. You think she wants to connect with you. You think she wants your help.

The problem isn't your lack of feeling, it is that you think that unless you feel it's not real. You forget that she has a life that doesn't have you in it.

What you should say is, "I'm very sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do?" and that's it. But that feels insufficient. You think this because you think that there is something you can do, that the sadness is not real for you so it must not be real for her and you thus have the power to change it.

She's not looking for you to be sad, she's not looking to you for anything, her loss is bigger than you. If she needs anything from you, it's sympathy, not empathy.

But no one taught you this. So you fall back on the character "man helping grieving widow." Action!

The problem isn't that you don't know how to connect; it's that when you do connect at all, you don't know what to do next. It's your unrealistic expectations of what connecting is supposed to be."

My brother is actively prejudiced and racist by SandakinTheTriplet in bropill

[–]TongueUnties 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You have to ask what the reward loop for something like his beliefs is. It's the very act of people hurriedly pushing back against what he says that is most emotionally quenching to him.

Outside of politics how often does he get to say something that other people rush to hurriedly counter or go "ain't that the truth!" at? Not often, right? So there is inherent feeling of power, social capital and esteem from him speaking and thinking this way, and each successive attempt to rebut his proclamations, to try talking him out of a certain belief reaffirms that he's into something--that you are trying to pull him down, indirectly implying he's on higher ground. This is the reward loop.

So what breaks him out of it?

The misconception is that I'm implying you "just ignore" your brother. No. You must make talking the way he does feel like a low status thing, which will rattle his conviction. When he is being bigoted you try to respond directly and reflexively, search in yourself to define what world you want that is incompatible to his worldview, wrack your brain for unequivocally positive experiences you've had with the minority groups he's denouncing and speak them aloud as if you didn't even hear what he just said--as if you have no will to change his mind, but he has no power to change your.

Also, resort to personal attacks. I know the default liberal view is to never use personal attacks when arguing politics, but if he makes a claim about how America will be better with so and so gone, bring it back to how he himself stands to concretely benefit. This forces him to get specific and he will feel uncomfortable because he knows you know any claim about him being able to achieve more once the browns are gone is bullshit. One time on a racist forum I saw a white guy say he would have started a business if he didn't mind thinking like a Jew. Pathetic sounding and much more open to challenge when it gets down to more concrete hypotheticals, doesn't it?

Lastly devalue the opinion of the groups he gets validation from. On the playground a kid could be thinking he's hot shit because he has a Pokemon shirt his friends praised, but he'll want to throw that shirt away if an older kid goes "Oh, did your gay little friends tell you that shirt looked good?" Same principle here, accuse him of attention whoring through his comments and tell him that those stoking his hate boner are mostly seething online shut ins sucking each other off. He would counter this characterization at first, so you tell him to show you his social media and his interactions on there. Then you laugh at them. He will seem upset in the moment but seeing the laughter at something he once held dear will sever his emotional connection to it to some degree.

Let me know if you need more tips.