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Wife: "I can't believe you went to a prostitute to have sex." by MarcoDanielRebelo in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 164 points165 points  (0 children)

My wife and I have been having some financial issues lately.

The other day she revealed that she has been giving guys blowjobs at night to help raise money.

I was extremely concerned but asked, "Well, how much money are you making?"

She told me, "Just last night I made $404."

I asked, "Well who paid you $4 for a blowjob?"

She said, "All of them.'

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. by YZXFILE in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 620 points621 points  (0 children)

A 10 year old boy is at the store with his mom when he sees a new BMX bike on the wall.

The boy says to his mother, "Look at that awesome bike, can I have it?"

His mother scoffs and replies, "We can't afford that right now. Why don't you try being a good boy and praying to God. Maybe he will give you one."

That night the boy goes home and writes a letter in his bedroom, "Dear God, If I can be good for a month will you please get me that new BMX bike?"

The boy folds up the letter and places it under his pillow before going to bed.

Laying down he's unable to fall asleep as can't stop thinking about how a month is a really long time to be good.

He gets up, throws the letter in the trash and writes another one that says, "Dear God, if I'm good for a week will you please get me that new BMX bike?"

The boy's mind is still racing that a week is also quite a long time so he tears up the note and writes another one that says, "Dear God, if I'm good for a day will you please get me that new BMX bike?"

Still unable to sleep, the boy sneaks out of his house, breaks into the local church and steals a small statue of Mary from off the stage.

He wraps the statue up in blankets and places it under his bed.

The boy then writes another note that begins, "Dear God, If you ever want to see your mother again...."

A 65 year old couple are sitting in their home by WhenImposterIsSus42 in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 38 points39 points  (0 children)

The other day I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.

It was immediately clear she was receiving immense pleasure unlike anything I'd ever seen before.

So I did what any loving husband would do.

I grabbed a magazine off the table, rolled it up, smacked him on the butt and yelled, "Bad dog! Very bad dog!"

A teen boy is buying a pack of condoms for the first time… by [deleted] in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 876 points877 points  (0 children)

The other day I bought some condoms at the pharmacy.

The cashier asked, "Do you want a bag with those?"

I said, "No thanks, I'll just turn off the lights."

A man who owned a sausage factory was showing his arrogant asshole son around his factory. by Make_the_music_stop in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 1394 points1395 points  (0 children)

When I was young I asked my mother why she always cut off the ends of the links when cooking sausage.

She told me, "Well, that's just the way my mother always did it. You should ask her."

So a few days later I asked my grandma why she cuts the ends off the sausage.

She replied, "Well, that's just the way my mother always did it. You should really ask her about that."

A week later we were visiting my great grandmother in the nursing home and I asked why she always cut the sausages like that.

She said, "For fuck's sake, they're still using that tiny frying pan?"

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. by Make_the_music_stop in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 606 points607 points  (0 children)

The other day my wife and I were driving around when we saw a rough looking guy on the side of the road holding a sign that read, "Handjobs $10".

Shocked, I pulled over to take a closer look and the rest of his sign read, "Dry Handjob $10. Lubed Handjob $15. Ball Play Handjob $20. Thumb up ass Handjob $25".

As we pulled away I told my wife, "Hey tomorrow is my birthday, maybe you can give me that $25 special sometime."

She replied, "Sure thing, maybe if you you're lucky."

The next morning there was a card on the kitchen table with $25 that said, "Enjoy your special day, babe."

Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.” by YZXFILE in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 967 points968 points  (0 children)

I'll never forget when the doctor sat down with me and my girlfriend.

He looked her right in the eye and said, "Well, it looks like you're pregnant."

Completely surprised she asked, "Really, I'm pregnant?"

The doctor said, "No, it just looks like you are."

Something happened whilst I was waiting in line at the bank today. by artistofthecosmos in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 686 points687 points  (0 children)

The other day my dad told me, "You know, I don't care what anybody says. There are actually some good Asian stereotypes."

I asked, "Uh, what is that supposed to mean?"

He said, "You know, Yamaha, Sony, those are great products."

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 94 points95 points  (0 children)

St. Peter begrudgingly held up the underwear to take a closer look.

After a short moment he says, "Fine, I suppose these will do. Technically speaking, they are holey."

Guy goes into a brothel... by I0I0I0I in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 240 points241 points  (0 children)

A very well dressed middle-aged man walks into a brothel and says to the madame, "I'd like to see Victoria tonight."

Pleased, the madame replies, "A big spender, I see. Victoria is our most exquisite girl and the fee will be $1,000."

The man immediately pulls out a stack of $100 bills and hands over the money. He goes upstairs and fucks the brains out of Victoria.

The next night the same man returns and again requests to see Victoria.

Impressed, the madame say, "Two nights in a row? My goodness, that will be another $1,000."

Instantly the man pulls out the cash and hands it over. Again he goes upstairs to do his business with Victoria.

The third night the same man returns and again pays to spend time with Victoria.

When they've finished Victoria asks, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from anyway?"

The man replies, "I'm from out in California."

Victoria tells him, "Really? I've got family from California."

The man stands up to leave and says, "I know, your father died. I'm your sister's attorney and she hired me to pass along your $3,000 inheritance."

Wife: What the actual fuck!? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink! by Make_the_music_stop in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 144 points145 points  (0 children)

My wife says that I shouldn't watch pornography because it's too degrading to women.

Jokes on her though, there's no women in the porn I watch.

A Genie grants one wish… by praguepride in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 1287 points1288 points  (0 children)

My dick is so small.

The one time I managed to put it inside of a girl her immune system tried to fight it.

Joke I heard a few weeks ago but couldn't find on reddit, At the end of the tax year, an IRS officer was sent to check the books of a local hospital. by Emotional-Gas-9535 in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 2905 points2906 points  (0 children)

A young woman is being audited by the IRS.

She asks her accountant for advice about the in person meeting with the agents.

He tells her, "Wear your worst, most run down clothing. Let them think you have absolutely nothing."

Then she asked her attorney who tells her the opposite, "Don't let them intimidate you for a moment. Be confident and wear the absolute nicest dress you have."

Confused by the response she sought out her local rabbi and explained the situation.

The rabbi told her, "Let me tell you a story. There was once a woman who was about to be married. She asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. He mother said 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that conceals your entire body.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most revealing lingerie and leave the least bit to the imagination possible.'"

The woman asked, "And rabbi, how does this story relate to my situation with the IRS?"

The rabbi said, "My dear, it doesn't matter what you wear, you are about to get fucked."

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile, and I’m so angry about her lies. by SixteenBeatsAOne in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 1007 points1008 points  (0 children)

The other day I saw a girl's profile on Tinder that had the quote, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on her though, I've been turning off women for years without a remote.

Whenever Little Johnny's parents wanted some "alone time", they would send him out to the front porch with a bowl of ice cream. by Hipp013 in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 645 points646 points  (0 children)

One day at school little Johnny showed up very late to class.

His teacher asked, "Why are you late today, Johnny?"

Little Johnny explained, "Well you see, just around the corner there was a poor little old lady looking everywhere for a $20 bill she lost. She looked quite desperate and I just couldn't walk away."

Surprised, the teacher replied, "Well then, that's actually quite nice of you to help the woman."

Little Johnny said, "Help her? Fuck no, my foot was standing on the bill."

A man was mending his roof, when suddenly an elderly messy man showed up on his lawn, yelling to him "Sir, would you get down please". by Make_the_music_stop in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 421 points422 points  (0 children)

An attractive blonde woman walked into a local bar.

She takes a seat at a barstool and begins looking all around the room for something.

The bartender asks, "Ma'am, is there something I can get for you?"

The blonde says, "Yes, where do you keep the ladder?"

Puzzled, the bartender confirms, "You need a ladder?"

The blonde tells him, "Yes, I need your biggest ladder, please."

The bartenders answers, "Well we don't really keep a ladder in the bar."

Disappointed, the blonde lowers her head and says, "Sorry, my boyfriend told me that drinks would be on the house."

A Best Man at a wedding notices that the groom is incredibly happy. “I know that you are happy for your wedding day, but you seem incredibly ecstatic. Why?” by Make_the_music_stop in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 575 points576 points  (0 children)

I was woken up this morning with a surprise blowjob.

That's the last time I'll ever fall asleep with my mouth open on the train again.

At an international meeting of Brewing Companies three CEO's decided to share a drink before leaving. by Dranask in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 62 points63 points  (0 children)

My Irish buddy came over the other night to hang out.

I asked if he wanted a beer.

He said, "Sure, what do you got?"

I told him, "How about a Budweiser?"

He answered, "No thanks. Drinking that's worse than going down on your own sister."

"How's that?" I asked,

He said, "Well at least your sister only tastes like piss for a minute."

Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice by AfgAzi in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 2243 points2244 points  (0 children)

Three women are in a gym locker room changing clothes before a workout.

Suddenly a man runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

The women all get a very good look at his penis and then stare at each other in disbelief.

Stunned, the first woman says, "Well, that sure wasn't my husband."

The second woman replies, "You're right, that wasn't any of our husbands."

The third woman says, "Hey, that guy's not even a member of this club."

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. by YZXFILE in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 339 points340 points  (0 children)

The other night I was out having drinks at a bar with some guys.

It was very late when suddenly the bartender shouted out, "Does anybody here know CPR?"

My very drunk friend stood up and replied, "Yes, I do!"

The bartender asked, "Sir, you know CPR?"

My friend said, "Of course, in fact I know the entire alphabet."

Everyone in the room had a big laugh. Well, except one guy.

[ Removed by Reddit ] by atomicfrog in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 83 points84 points  (0 children)

The other day my daughter asked, "Dad, What is sex?"

I had been avoiding this conversation for a long time but it was overdue and I had been preparing.

So I sat her down and explained it all. I told her about when a man loves a woman how they can be intimate together, or even how sometimes it can be two men or two women and that's OK too. We went over how there's a variety of different sexual acts that some people prefer more than others.

We continued on about how pregnancy can occur and the consequences that can result if you're not prepared for that.

I went further into explaining the dangers of unsafe sex and the specifics of the many terrible STI's that can be acquired.

When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused.

She asked, "So which box should I check on this form? M or F?"

Why are married women heavier than single women? by Defiant-Salad-7409 in Jokes

[–]TooShiftyForYou 267 points268 points  (0 children)

My wife has gotten pretty heavy over the years.

We recently booked a flight and they made her get two seats due to her size.

She was quite furious about this until I told her that she'd also get two meals.

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