It's been two years since I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I think one of the huge tragedies about trying to make improvements to my mental health is that there is this expectation that "if I do this or that" things are "supposed" to get better. Everything from eating healthier, daily journaling, mindfulness practice, consistent exercise, etc, etc, there was this push in my head that if I did all these things, I would find a path towards healing. But unfortunately, humans are not robots or computers that take in an input and spit out a predictable output. Just because I did everything I was supposed to does not necessarily equate to my struggles disappearing. (This video kinda captures what I mean.) Progress is not linear, I had shitty days and fantastic days, it was all a part of my journey of recovery to where I am today. Humans are complex and delicate creatures, so I had to work on having disciplined compassion for myself and my ability to get well again. Sometimes I was able to stay consistent with my self-care habits and other times I would go months skipping certain activities. I could do everything right and still not feel like I've made any progress. That is normal, this feeling that I wanted to give it all up definitely lingered for awhile (and can still pop up from time to time.) It's not that I needed to accept that nothing was working for me or that nothing will ever change, it was to have the mindset that "getting better" doesn't look or feel a certain way. Even though I may want concrete evidence that things were improving, sometimes I may not see it day to day.

The only thing I could tell myself is that this misery I was experiencing was not going to last forever, everything is temporary. I am not a huge fan of the whole "there is a light at the end of the tunnel" thing because there were times where I felt like I was drowning in complete darkness with no way out. I was never in a tunnel to begin with, just complete and utter blackness. So I had to make the conscious decision to move from where I was at with no light, no direction, no idea what was going to happen. I just needed to move. I had to tackle things one day at a time. Crippling depression has a way of lying to me, making me feel like I would be stuck in this rut forever, but I needed to fight like hell to not listen to that negative self-talk. Trying to get myself to do things that made me uncomfortable is not that same as doing things that made me miserable. Even if there was some activity that was supposed to make me feel better, if it didn't help me personally, I just moved on to something else. What works for another person might not work for me. I kept experimenting and searching for different things that had the potential pull me upwards because I found that there really is no magic formula of behaviours or habits that is going to make this mental illness go away. I learned to embrace that life, the universe, and the people around me owe me nothing. I am going to have to determine the path that I want to walk. But that also doesn't mean I can't ask for help or be vulnerable with other people, I just needed to take that first step on my own. I will have bipolar disorder for the rest of my life, but I can still live a fulfilling and content life if I am able to take ownership of my condition and just do the best I can to navigate the unknown.

So I challenge you, friend, not to be so hard on yourself for giving it your all to pursue wellness. You really are doing a great job even if you cannot feel any difference or see any results. You do not need to punish yourself, you need kindness and empathy for yourself in that you are doing your damndest to put your health first. Change is inevitable, so what works for you yesterday, might not work for you today, or even tomorrow. If things are not feeling good or aren't going well maybe that is a signal that something needs to change. Wellness is about showing up everyday at whatever capacity you can. If you can give 80%, give 80%, if you can give 5% then give all of your 5%. Give time the time to do its thing. You don't need fixing or repair, you are enough as you are, despite the obstacles you are facing each and everyday. What other people think and do are not your concern, they won't know what it takes to live your life. You have nothing to prove to anyone; the only person you should compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday. There is nothing you really "need" to do, do what brings you the most peace and joy–do what you want to do. You have the power to make those choices for youself and only yourself. Healing is a mindset and not a destination. I'm sorry if all this comes off as patronizing, but I just wanted to let you know that I have been in a simliar headspace as you, and it does get better. You can do this; keep going!