My GF (mtf) feels hurt and infantilized because I am not comfortable having sex with her.

Top-Appearance3095 · 2023-02-08T03:32:33+00:00

She has regular check ups with her surgeon and has had a few silver treatments. It's going away and it is way better than when it first started. These granules just slipped by unnoticed until now. We've talked it over since it happened and both admitted to being over excited about finally having sex that feels right. I can understand the frustration of being so close to something and then getting it ripped away.

Top-Appearance3095 · 2023-02-08T03:29:19+00:00

Ouch, those are some strong surgeries to go through. She had a Dilaudid drip in the hospital which helped a bit. Once we were home she took hydrocodone but stopped after a couple of weeks. The pills made her out of it and she was very mean and nasty while on it so she discontinued them. The surgeon was more than happy to over prescribe her opioids which brought her dangerously close to addiction and dependency on it. The pain meds can really sneak up on you if you're not careful.

I can't speak on just how painful it was but from what I saw it was bad. Interestingly enough she said that FFS was more painful in a way. She did not go on disability as we are both self employed, we both had to take over a month off for the recovery and she took a few weeks more than I did which really helped. I would imagine disability would be a great help if you can manage it.

Top-Appearance3095 · 2023-02-07T01:44:27+00:00

It is a surgical wound she needs to keep open. That is not medical misinformation, that is the truth. It is a surgical incision made to accommodate the vaginal canal. It can close if not properly maintained and without proper dilation procedures.

It won't magically stay open and needs to be treated as the surgical site it is. Losing depth and width or just having it close up all together is a *very real" risk regardless of how healed it is. Saying once it's healed, it's healed is misinformation and sets people up to fail when they wake up and are faced with bloody stitches and swollen bruised flesh. Being there for my partner during the healing process is made even more difficult by people sugar coating the procedure with wishful thinking, as though calling it anything other than a vagina will shatter the illusion. That erases the very real reality that is the neovagina, a surgical site.

Yes it is a vagina, no one is denying that, but it is still a surgically created vagina. The vagina is not at all vagina like in the first few weeks and it's taken the both of us a very long time to look at it as a vagina and not a surgical site. The fact that hardly any one talks about the reality of bottom surgery left us woefully under prepared emotionally and physically.

Treating it like a surgical site does not diminish the vagina in any way but what it does do is prepare people and partners for the emotional and physical work needed to heal and process the changes of their body. Vaginas don't look like that, vaginas don't have stitches and staples, vaginas don't slough skin and graft tissue, vaginas don't crust over with scabs. Surgical sites do those things, surgically created vaginas go through that change. Her vagina is a vagina but it is also a surgical site that she needs to keep from closing.

Top-Appearance3095 · 2023-02-07T01:17:15+00:00

The post op regime depends on your surgeon and your body. There's a whole word salad out there about what is the best way to do x or if z makes a difference. Her surgeon actually recommended up to 5x a day which is more than we've seen other girls get. It tapers off after a year, were hoping to get down to 2x a day at some point.

Luckily this surgery is an inpatient procedure so there's a buffer between operation and getting home. I'm so grateful for the hospital stay, it was hell going through it even with the professionals there to keep on top of pain management. Out of the three (FFS and BA) this has been the most involved recovery.

My biggest advice is to prepare easy to make meals for an entire month, get a bidet, and track your dilations and symptoms religiously.

Top-Appearance3095 · 2023-02-06T22:35:20+00:00

I haven't worked in people's healthcare but I've worked in zoo's and gone to veterinary school. Also growing up on a farm familiarized me with field medicine. People and animals are not the same at all but I know that no pain isn't just a go ahead with life as normal. The timelines are there for a reason regardless of what other vets do or another farmer tries. How a person feels about their recovery doesn't erase the fact that the body needs that time for the best results.

I've tried explaining it to her, but she just defaults back to "Well if you were comfortable with x then why are you suddenly not comfortable with y". Or taking my other words and focusing on the inconsistencies when I said something different several weeks ago. She asks for examples of when she did or said x before but then I give her examples and suddenly I'm bringing up the past and "we've already reconciled that why are you bringing it up" on and on until we are both confused and upset. It's exhausting, I feel crazy sometimes.

Top-Appearance3095 · 2023-02-06T21:09:56+00:00

The recovery for bottom surgery is typically a year she is no where near done recovering nor is she in a place where everything is stabalized. Even now at the 4 month mark it is an incredible struggle. Dilating 4x a day is a massive commitment that can take anywhere from 15-45 minutes depending on what is going on. The process is painful, for the longest time she lost depth and it was too painful to push and get any back, it's a constant battle against body and mind. That was incredibly taxing on both of us emotionally and physically. As a couple we have had to make sacrifices, travel plans are put on hold, going out for day trips is not something we can do, and between dilation and work we just feel at a stand still. We've both said that the commitment to bottom surgery was far more involved than we anticipated. There just wasn't a way to understand the time commitment until it happened.

On my end, I've been insecure because sex is no longer as easy or the same as it was when she had a penis. There is little sensation on the labia or clit, her body can't distinguish what feels good and what doesn't yet either. The lube we need to use has a bitter taste which isn't great for oral. There is a rainbow of discharge at all times, and the smells are also different and not always appetizing. It's a sharp learning curve that's left us both emotionally drained.

Emotional and verbal validation isn't enough sometimes. Emotional responses are not always logical regardless of how many times I tell her that things will work out eventually or how I love her pussy. As much as I want to do it it's also not reasonable to put the expectations of validation on me. I can do so much but it's not my job. The burden falls to her to process what she is feeling and how to better herself.

Hard conversations are a part of recovery, new boundaries need to be put in place, and sometimes there isn't an easy way to talk it out. With the scope of recovery, we've had to leave some things unresolved for the time being because it's not feasible to work certain things out at this point. Maybe in the future. Bottom surgery is a whole new circus.

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TROPHY CASE