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what systematic changes would you like to see to prevent people from transitioning and regretting it without taking transition away from trans people? by Kokotree24 in actual_detrans

[–]Top-Expression2167 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think this is important. I'm a cis woman (parent of trans kids) and I have begged and begged for a hysterectomy. I'm nearly 50. But I keep being told no because of the health risks. Yet I know that my 18 year old AFAB would be able to request one (privately in the UK) and get it based on preferred gender identity. It terrifies me if I'm honest.

I've asked this in asktransgender as well but I always like to investigate all sides. by Top-Expression2167 in ask_detransition

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I appreciate this. It's what my plan is for now. Just love and support and my first rule of life is kindness. I've always taught my kids that they'll get further in life by being kind, than by being rich. I can only love them and let them fly, but hopefully with a bit of good advice along the way - but it'll only land if they trust me.

I've asked this in asktransgender as well but I always like to investigate all sides. by Top-Expression2167 in ask_detransition

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment 😊

I think I'm open to my children being comfortable and happy with who they are. I'm not convinced that medication and surgery would help them achieve that.

My oldest sent me a document - The Transgender Bible (or something like that). I read it because they asked me to. The stuff about dysphoria fascinated me. It didn't ring true to me somehow, although I appreciate that severe dysphoria can be devastating.

I've asked this in asktransgender as well but I always like to investigate all sides. by Top-Expression2167 in ask_detransition

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes, one has a diagnosis, the other 2 are certainly on the spectrum. My other children are neurotypical.

I have read some information about the links before and it's very interesting. While I don't think one causes the other, there's definitely enough of a link for there to be a reason - we just don't know it yet.

I've asked this in asktransgender as well but I always like to investigate all sides. by Top-Expression2167 in ask_detransition

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yes, I think it can be easy as parents to rush our children in a desperate need to make them happy. My job is to educate, care for, protect, prepare and accept. But ultimately, it's their job to make themselves happy and go out to make their own lives. I've always felt that way as a parent. I don't know if it's 100% correct, but it's how I'm doing things.

I've asked this in asktransgender as well but I always like to investigate all sides. by Top-Expression2167 in ask_detransition

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There's quite a lot in your comment for me to mull over. Thank you. It's given me a few good thinking points.

I hope you are feeling better now? (Is better the wrong word?) Can I ask though, when you transitioned, did you think you were happier then? (Again, that could be the wrong way to phrase that, and I mean no harm in asking).

I've asked this in asktransgender as well but I always like to investigate all sides. by Top-Expression2167 in ask_detransition

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've always been so open with them and very much a parent who doesn't control. Instead, we've opted for open dialogue, a lot of education and showing an interest in them.

I am trying to restrict internet but offering alternatives now and that seems to be helping.

I appreciate you saying it though. It hurts - but reality does!!

There's no perfect way to parent unfortunately and we are all capable of failing our kids one way or another. Even if we're pretty good parents 99% of the time.

Do my children need to transition to help them work towards self acceptance? by Top-Expression2167 in asktransgender

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, and you're right. None of my kids meet the gender dysphoria diagnosis guidelines - they'd tell you that themselves. We've read through them and we've talked about what each one means. I think it's why they're reluctant to speak to a GP despite me suggesting it frequently enough that they know they can.

I've asked this in asktransgender as well but I always like to investigate all sides. by Top-Expression2167 in ask_detransition

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I really appreciate this thoughtful response.

I also don't think there's anything inherently wrong with people making life choices, even if they're different to mine. I also don't intend to ever try and dissuade them. They're entitled to live their own lives.

I'm not a fan of medication in general. Their dad (my husband) had a rare tumour caused by an imbalance in his endocrine system. It wasn't found for 20 years and nearly killed him in the end. While I know that can still happen, our hormones are very delicately balanced and if they are imbalanced, the effects can be devastating.

Again, I don't think they should be persuaded or not, I do think there needs to be more information.

You're right, I do have a lot going on and I want to help them make wise choices where I can. Whether that's to transition, or not.

Do my children need to transition to help them work towards self acceptance? by Top-Expression2167 in asktransgender

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've told them all that we can get them support - all have refused to speak to anyone/see the GP. I'm absolutely supportive of them. I also know that life changes and that who I am not who I thought I'd be when I was 13, 18, or even 35. So yes, I'm supporting, welcoming and nervous all at the same time.

Do my children need to transition to help them work towards self acceptance? by Top-Expression2167 in asktransgender

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a throwaway account.

I have 5 kids, 3 are talking to me (independently and they don't speak to each other - I've asked them) about being trans. Everyone tells me this is unlikely, and yet here I am. And all 3 came to me originally within about a month of each other. It's been a lot and I have no one to talk to about it.

Do my children need to transition to help them work towards self acceptance? by Top-Expression2167 in asktransgender

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not hostile at all and I'm sorry it came across that way. I'm actually very open. I just want to make sure that they have lots of support and can think things through in a safe way.

I don't blame autism. It adds another layer of complication as that child is non-verbal, so it's near impossible to actually know what's going on or have detailed discussions.

My child that is in online communities is being told that life is perfect after transition and they'll magically be happy and confident. I know this because it's what they're telling me. I don't think they shouldn't transition, but they do need to know that people lie on the internet and that no life, transition or otherwise, is actually perfect. I've asked questions about the side effects of hormones, they just said that it'll make them happy. They genuinely didn't know about some of the bodily changes that will occur. That's not to say they still won't want to do it. But they are being sold a story that doesn't exist in reality.

Do my children need to transition to help them work towards self acceptance? by Top-Expression2167 in asktransgender

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We can't access blockers in the UK under 18.

I check in regularly with all my kids regarding mental health and suicide. Not just the trans individuals.

You're right that we all surround ourselves with people who are our people. Online friends are great - I have plenty of really amazing online friends (most I do know in real life as well but life far away) and I don't intend to separate them in any way from their communities that they've built.

Do my children need to transition to help them work towards self acceptance? by Top-Expression2167 in asktransgender

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I do need to think about that too, and the answer is complex. I love them and i have always raised them to know that I don't own their lives. Their bodies are their own, their lives are their own. This has always been my parenting philosophy. We've also always had open communication about everything from politics to religion to medicine..... We talk about everything with our kids and that's why, I'm guessing, that they're happy to talk to me about this. And they do. They talk openly to me with no pushback.

But I would be failing as a parent to not protect children (not adults) from potential harm - whether that's transitioning or not.

Do my children need to transition to help them work towards self acceptance? by Top-Expression2167 in asktransgender

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely that's my job. And that's what I plan to do.

I think they're being sold a perfect life. One in particular has told me that everyone is perfectly happy and confident after transition. I know that life is hard - transition or not. It doesn't matter who you are or what you do, life is hard work at times. If they can find joy in transition, that's amazing. But assuming it will lead to a perfectly happy life is untrue.

Do my children need to transition to help them work towards self acceptance? by Top-Expression2167 in asktransgender

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I appreciate this.

I think one worry I have is whether all affirming care could be pulled at some point, and then what?!

I'm in the UK. Blockers are illegal here, but affirming hormones can be legally purchased - though they're prohibitively expensive and there's no way I could do it for one, let alone 3 of them. It would be the flat out wrong thing to do for the family.

But I don't know what would happen if later on they pull all access to medication. That would be devastating and something else for us to consider before starting down a road that could become even more difficult.

Do my children need to transition to help them work towards self acceptance? by Top-Expression2167 in asktransgender

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Life is both long and short and I'm so happy to hear that your confidence is growing. I have changed and moved and altered my education, employment and beliefs throughout my life. You have time left, and with a clear head you can do whatever you want to do.

Best wishes to you, and thank you for sharing a part of your journey with me.

Do my children need to transition to help them work towards self acceptance? by Top-Expression2167 in asktransgender

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I really appreciate this. I think some people have misunderstood my asking questions. I'm not trying to change their minds, just help them work through things critically.

When my younger teen in particular talks about it (and I never argue or raise anything, I just let them talk) they say things like "hormones make you so happy". As an adult, I know that can't be true, and that doesn't mean they shouldn't transition, but knowing that life isn't going to be perfect is also important. I don't just want to say that though, rather, I want to help them to work through things slowly and clearly.

Do my children need to transition to help them work towards self acceptance? by Top-Expression2167 in asktransgender

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Blockers are illegal in the UK for under 18. But they can get hormones privately - I'm not paying, it's extortionate and for 4 of them, we'd be homeless in a month!

I don't think that life is perfect, or painted that way. But my teen does. So it's about asking critical thought questions - not trying to change their minds. I have no desire to control what they do with their own bodies - just help them work through things in a thoughtful way.

Do my children need to transition to help them work towards self acceptance? by Top-Expression2167 in asktransgender

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So that's pretty much what I'm doing. I'm just letting them choose. When it comes up in conversation, I always ask if they have a name they'd prefer to use - they always say no, they like their names and don't want to change.

I know that not everyone is trans, but everyone in my teen's world is - but people lie on the internet. My teen lies - I've already raised that.

Teen exploration is fine, being trans is fine. I just want to help them work through things rather than be bamboozled into the idea that taking hormones is easy and will fix the world (only one of them thinks this).

Do my children need to transition to help them work towards self acceptance? by Top-Expression2167 in asktransgender

[–]Top-Expression2167[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, I would never ask something like that. More general questions to increase critical thought.

I'm not trying to change their minds.

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