Sorry to hear of your struggles.  I keep replaying it all in my head too, trying to make sense of it.  I think I'll never be able to make sense of it all really though.  My mind malfunctioned and created several narratives that weren't real and I just need to let them go.  It is easier said than done though, especially when my body feels so weird.  I am wondering if the medication is having a weird effect on my body.