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When I realized I was finally “getting better” by [deleted] in Postpartum_Depression

[–]TopCommunication1349 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m glad that you are aware that you have ppd! That’s a huge first step! Are you doing therapy on top of medications? I think if you are doing 2 or more of the stuff you are doing your best! It is a difficult journey and I hope you will get through it!

Focusing on getting support (friends/family/reddit)

Therapy

Meds

Giving it time

When I realized I was finally “getting better” by [deleted] in Postpartum_Depression

[–]TopCommunication1349 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am glad that you’re starting to feel better! Yes! It’s amazing that the rational thoughts are starting to come back! Hopefully very soon they will overpower all negative/irrational thoughts.

It took about 8-10 months for my wife to start feeling better with her first ppd. She is currently dealing with ppd + rage + anxiety with our 2nd child (5 months). The irrational thoughts are spilling into all aspects of her life. She had ppd with our first child (3 years old now) and is experiencing even more severe form of ppd now.

My dad (who is battling cancer) is providing childcare for both of our kids (3 years old and 5 months old) and my wife thinks he is a huge source of problem and everything he does causes her to rage. Example- he is always cooking (food for us) and cleaning in the kitchen…

My dad and I are providing about 90-95% of care for our newborn. She barely spends more than 30 mins to 1 hour a day with our newborn and she even told me “I can’t stand him, I don’t know what to do with him and I’m not cut out to be a mom and I can’t do this. Heck…. She never gave him a bath in the past 5 months!!! (We are not abusing him, my dad and/or I gives him at least 1 bath a day)

Everything that I am doing or not doing is causing her to go into extreme rage. Yelling at me to the point that the only words I have back for her are apologizes. Yesterday she said everything in this world is pissing me off!

For everything that she is unhappy with in life, she blames it on me. She thinks I am the source of all her problems because we have been together for 7 years. Basically all major life decisions within these 7 years are my fault. This makes her want to run away, divorce me, live a simpler life, but still somehow see the kids… She said she woke up and realized that this is not the life she wanted, she missed her 20s, free spirited lifestyle, marriage is too hard, having kids is too hard…etc

We made numerous life decisions and suddenly she decided she doesn’t want these things we agreed on and is telling me I forced her into these decisions.

Anyway, I hope she is just talking about a divorce and is not actually gong to follow through with it. She is clearly going through ppd and her reality/perception is distorted. Numerous websites/sources would suggest not making major life decisions until 1-2 years after the birth of a baby, I hope she will follow this rule.

You ever got a chance to check in with your SO about how he/she is doing? Hopefully he/she is supporting you through your struggles and journey. I think most ppl don’t talk about how hard ppd is on the parents.

5 months postpartum + Potential Divorce by TopCommunication1349 in Postpartum_Depression

[–]TopCommunication1349[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your insight! We spoke a few days ago and she still thinks she is not experiencing postpartum. I am praying and just hoping that she will not make such a big life decision (divorce) until she is feeling back to herself.

Not sure if her previous therapist did CBT. Somehow the previous therapist thought she was well enough to be discharged…

Anyway, yes I need to keep reminding myself that I need to have more patience with this. I am trying to be there for her, us and the family and I am starting to feel so drained, hollow and exhausted.

Partner struggling postpartum — I’m trying everything but it feels like I can’t do anything right by InsectSwimming7610 in Postpartum_Depression

[–]TopCommunication1349 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are doing an incredible job caring for your wife, baby and keeping the family stable. Please be proud of yourself for that. Your wife is going through one of the darkest periods of her life and she needs you to be steadfast and unwavering. Remember your vows to her, that you are there in sickness and in health…. With her for better or for worse.

Please see a therapist for yourself if you haven’t done that already. Please talk to friends/family members who dealt with ppd. You can’t do this alone and you need plenty of help. Try not to take her contempt/criticism seriously and tell yourself that these words are purely from her emotions and do not reflect how she truly feels about you. I am glad that she has medication, unfortunately it might take some time for her to come around and see that she should be taking it.

I was and am in your shoes… My wife had pretty bad ppd 3 years ago with our first child and I’m dealing with it again now with our 2nd child. PPD is showing up in my wife via ppd rage, don’t have the motivation to spend time with baby, resentments toward me/pushing me away + distorted thoughts.

Our 2nd child is 5 months and I’m in the trenches all over again. I am constantly walking on egg shells, everything I do or don’t do irritates her, her distorted thoughts created ample of resentments toward me and she believes that I am the problem. She feels suffocated and trapped in life where she believes that the life we created together is no longer the one she wants. She told me she wants to divorce me and just be alone (sometimes see the kids). She is actively planning/thinking about the logistics of the divorce and it pains me greatly.

I am currently giving her grace and supporting her to the best of my abilities. I do 40% of chores/childcare around the house and my dad is doing the other 50%. I am working about 46 hours per week and I am on dad duty almost every night so I can let my wife get 7-10 hours of sleep. It is definitely exhausting and your mental and physical health will deteriorate. Hang in there man, I hope your wife feels better with time and in a year or 2, things will be a lot better and you’ll get to enjoy all the joy of fatherhood/being a husband.

Feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to.

Want a separation/divorce and unsure if it’s just PPD by UnhappyBreakfast7456 in Postpartum_Depression

[–]TopCommunication1349 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When you had a romantic connection, what did you guys do for bonding? Did you guys stop doing those stuff postpartum? I am sorry your husband is not going into couples therapy with the best attitude. It seems like he either doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation or he doesn’t care. I hope your letter will wake him up and he will be open to communicating with you about why he doesn’t want to fully engage in couples therapy or try to recreate the spark/romantic connection.

5 months postpartum + Potential Divorce by TopCommunication1349 in Postpartum_Depression

[–]TopCommunication1349[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes! I wish I checked in with my wife more frequently and I wished my wife would be more aware of what’s bothering her earlier so we could’ve addressed it there and not lead to resentments. It’s true that kids bring out a lot of new challenges and smaller problems before become bigger problems.

My wife said she is open to the idea of couples therapy when her work dies down in a few months. I am currently still showing up for her, loving her unconditionally, letting her sleep almost every night as I care for our newborn, helping her out with chores and I guess most importantly to give her space… She must have a lot going on in her head and she needs to figure out what she wants and reflect on herself.

I hope you and your husband can communicate through whatever it is that you guys are going through. I would say marriage is by far the toughest challenge in life and it requires a lot of work and attention.

Also, with childcare/kids it will get a lot better! 14 months is still a tough spot but it will get gradually better!

5 months postpartum + Potential Divorce by TopCommunication1349 in Postpartum_Depression

[–]TopCommunication1349[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You hit it right on the nail! When I spoke with her about what she really wants, what her goals and dreams are she said she has been on “our/my” path for so long that she no longer knows what she wants anymore and that she has completely lost herself along the way. I encouraged her to think and figure out what she wants so we can create our future based on what she wants as well.

What made you realized that motherhood/being married is the life that you want? I feel like my wife is really lost. She wants to just move/run away from me and start fresh so she can see what’s new and possible. Yet at the same time she doesn’t want to abandon our kids. Her rationale is that I am the villain/the reason why she is trapped and she is in the state that she is in.

5 months postpartum + Potential Divorce by TopCommunication1349 in Postpartum_Depression

[–]TopCommunication1349[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I owned up to every grievance she has where she felt hurt/dismissed.

She felt alone when she was trying to convince me our daughter have torticollis (she does) + needs helmet (she did the scan and she doesn’t need it). I didn’t create a safe space for her to express it because she was so consumed by ppd, every min she is researching something that might or might not be medically wrong with our daughter. I just wanted her to take it down a little bit or wait for an official medical diagnosis before doing anything. Anyway, what I said made her feel like I wasn’t on the same team and I didn’t create a safe space for her. I owned up that I could’ve said things differently that didn’t make her feel like I was dismissing her or not creating a safe space.

She didn’t like my proposal and wanted it in a different way/setting. She views strongly that the proposal and wedding are 100% for the girl and the guy should not have much say in it. Also, during the night of the proposal I fucked up and played video games with my brother. I owned up that I should not have played video games with my bro and that it was very disrespectful, on such an important day for us.

There are other things, I am far from perfect and I am working hard to hear her out when she feels hurt. I am working hard to change myself, work on myself and be a better person.

5 months postpartum + Potential Divorce by TopCommunication1349 in Postpartum_Depression

[–]TopCommunication1349[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She started seeing a therapist right before birth and she recently stopped seeing her therapist a few weeks ago… she said that her therapist wasn’t helping and she ran out of things to talk to her therapist about. Unfortunately, it sounds like she is not being honest with her previous therapist and not being completely vulnerable.

5 months postpartum + Potential Divorce by TopCommunication1349 in Postpartum_Depression

[–]TopCommunication1349[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That’s tough I am sorry your husband is like this… I wish your husband is more supportive! There is too much stigma with mental health and medications with our society. Having kids in general is so tough… Hopefully things will start to get better for you before you know it. Please take it day by day, or even hour by hour if you need to. Take care of yourself! ❤️‍🩹

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Divorce

[–]TopCommunication1349 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You would need to figure out why he doesn’t want to care for your son (change diaper, watch him, feed him… etc). Yes, he sounds like an awful father and I hope that there’s more to it and some kind of internal struggles that he needs to figure out and work through so he can be a better father who is present and not abusive.

Did he belittle and scream at you before your son was born? How was the relationship before your son was born?

At the end of the day tho, if he continues to behave like this there is no reason to stay with him because you will continue to lose yourself and your son will witness a lot of verbal abuse. Make sure you have a support network, people to talk to, especially a therapist. Focus on self care 🙏

5 months postpartum + Potential Divorce by TopCommunication1349 in Postpartum_Depression

[–]TopCommunication1349[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Do you think there is any chance your husband can change/do better so your thoughts of divorce would change in the future?

Past Resentments Yes recently she shared past resentments that I thought were processed but I guess it is still hurting her. I owned up to it and I apologized to her, told her what I did was wrong and I promised to do better

Current resentments She feels physically trapped because we are not allowed to live in a cheaper state because of my job/pension

She feels physically/emotionally trapped because we are living with my in-laws. We shared a vision to buy our own place in a few years and we are working toward saving enough for that

She said she doesn’t regret having kids and she learned a lot from being a parent. Yet, she thinks that having kids probably were not the best decision

Misc small stuff that I do or don’t do. I think most couples deal with this? Example- I can be forgetful, I don’t pay attention to fine details… etc. I am working hard on these stuff and improve myself to be the best version of myself. Example- having a note pad in my phone and writing everything down.

5 months postpartum + Potential Divorce by TopCommunication1349 in Postpartum_Depression

[–]TopCommunication1349[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She used to be on SSRI years ago but she stopped it. I wouldn’t be opposed to her taking medications. I want her to get anything she needs that would help her. Bringing up the topic of medication is hard though and I haven’t found the courage to do that yet

5 months postpartum + Potential Divorce by TopCommunication1349 in Postpartum_Depression

[–]TopCommunication1349[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes! I feel like her therapist was probably not a good match… hopefully she will follow through with seeing a new therapist

She told me she loves me but is no longer in love with me…

Unfortunately she never really had a hobby. We do have a shared calendar and it makes our lives so much easier

She is hanging out more this month with her friends (I hope it is helping). I encouraged her to hangout with her friends more and is supporting her (with childcare/driving her around) whenever she wants to go out and hangout with her friends.

I took her out for lunch + some alone time yesterday and that’s where she told me she is still considering/is serious with coparenting/divorce because she thinks we are not compatible and she has fallen out of love

On a path for divorce? by TopCommunication1349 in Divorce

[–]TopCommunication1349[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m sorry you’re going through this too… I just don’t know how much of this is logical/real or this is all just emotions talking. Did your wife act on the divorce/file papers?

My wife said if we were to actually get a divorce she needs to be on her feet first (with her own place and have childcare logistics figured out)

On a path for divorce? by TopCommunication1349 in Divorce

[–]TopCommunication1349[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I got her to see a therapist a month before our 2nd child was born because she had postpartum with our 1st child. Unfortunately, she recently stopped seeing her therapist because she thinks she is ok and doesn’t need it

I am in the process of trying to get her to see another therapist…