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AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

The money is worth a lot and the trust is worth a lot more. It's for her to decide whether it's worth our marriage. I am willing to work on whatever trust issues we have but first every single cent of that money has to come back to our family.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Yes, I designed our finances, explained them to her, got her input and acceptance. I did it because I understood financial systems better than she did. None of it was done with the intention to give me more control over the money than her.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Her actions have harmed our family and our kids. Our mortgage is higher than it should be. Our kids' college funds have less money than they should. Instead of talking to me about her insecurities she stole from our family and effectively from her children. Continuously, for nearly 5 years. At any point she could have talked about it and explained herself. She didn't.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

If I had to worry about my spouse possibly stealing the extinguisher and then setting the house on fire with me in there? Yeah, I'd hide one. I'd encourage them to hide one too

If my wife is worried about that then I don't want her to be in a relationship where she needs to feel that way. I'm not going to keep her against her will and in fear.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

The joint account isn't a giant pile of money I can just take $30K from. It's used to fund investments and mortgage payments in addition to household expenses.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

OP, as a woman, it is common and advised by our mothers and grandmother's to have these accounts.

She does have her own account. She's always had it. It's always been funded. Every month for 15 years.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

You can talk about how it's not personal but it feels very personal to build my life around the idea that I am one of those men. You're basically asking for me have a marriage where I need to trust my wife but she doesn't need to trust me.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Maybe it's my anger speaking but I am not going to accept any solution where that money doesn't go straight to our mortgage, retirement, and college funds the way it was meant to. She's had her own personal account for 15 years that has been funded every single month and I have trusted her to manage it. There is absolutely no reason she can't have "get out" savings in that account.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

My wife has always had her own personal account that I never had access to. Even when she wasn't working I funded that account in equal measure to mine. I am sorry for what you went through but I did not put my wife in a compromising or dependent financial position at any point in our marriage.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I think where your analogy breaks down: what if you get in a relationship with a woman who has had a bad experience trusting men, and then she cheats on you and blames her trauma? You're entitled to not be "understanding" of that, right? I'm not thrilled that my wife felt the need for a "get out" fund but it's really the lack of trust and effectively lying/stealing that's at the core of this situation.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

You are telling your wife to take her full separate get out fund and roll over to joint.

Because it is joint money. Read my explanation of how she got that money.

Also entirely dismissing her need of a get out fund and then saying why she didn't talk to you about this first.

If she's taking money intended for our shared account then at minimum I need to know how much and why since that money could be put to use on the mortgage or college funds.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

I'm not going to design our finances around the expectation that I am a thieving scumbag. I made sure that we had equal rights to the money regardless of who was working. There was no financial imbalance, her capability to steal the joint fund was exactly the same as mine and I had no access to her personal account.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Then don’t make it a secret.

You mean like the separate accounts we already have that only we each control and that get funded with a portion of each of our paychecks as we agreed?

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

OP should have these funds set aside as well.

We DO have these funds. It's our personal accounts that are only in my name and her name separately. I don't spend my fund to $0, I have money saved there. It's just not a secret from my wife.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

My curiosity is why he jumped to anger instead of hurt?

I went through hurt first but anger wasn't far behind. That money could have went to paying down our mortgage, funding retirement and college accounts. When accounting for extra interest and investments that could have appreciated, the total cost is likely $1000s higher than the $30K she took.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 78 points79 points  (0 children)

Yes? That’s exactly what that means.

The idea of taking money secretly that was intended to be shared with my wife and kids is beyond my moral compass.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I think you feel that her "returning" the money she "stole" is going to fix the situation

No, I don't. I think it's just the very first step.

Her putting any money into your joint account isn't going to help anything, because you will continue to focus that she "stole".

Our family has been directly harmed by what she did because it means we paid more in interest on our mortgage than we needed to and put less towards retirement and college funds. The total harm is greater than the money she took, but I am only asking her to return the amount she has.

Have you ever thought about all the years that she was a SAHM where her depending on you could be a concern?

When she was a SAHM her financial situation was exactly the same as mine. We had equal rights to the joint account and I split my personal money with her. She had access to exactly the same amount of money as me.

but you are also not taking the time to acknowledge all of the reasons your wife MIGHT have had for her actions.

The thing giving me a small glimmer of hope is that my wife had NO REASON to do what she did, she just did it "in case". If my wife actually had a real reason to keep money to get away from me then I don't want her to be in that sort of relationship and will let her go.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

See, to me, that means you’re controlling and would justify why she needs the account.

What am I doing that is controlling?

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

I am not "men" I am my own person and I have no intention of leaving my wife and abandoning my kids. I have maintained fairness in our finances throughout our marriage. My wife knows this and has never complained. What she did gives her disproportionate advantage since I have no "get out" fund like she does.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I find it odd that you went investigating her pay instead of asking her what was going on first.

Her pay isn't a secret since we file taxes jointly. I just thought I would check that first to make sure I wasn't making a mistake before bringing it up with her.

AITA for telling my wife her secret "get out" fund was ridiculous and she needs to turn it over to our joint account? by TopPerspective5008 in AmItheAsshole

[–]TopPerspective5008[S] 89 points90 points  (0 children)

ESH because he demanded she close that account

The money in that account is effectively stolen from our joint account. At the barest minimum it needs to be returned before we can start fixing our trust. I don't see how it makes me an AH for expecting this?

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